I Want You, I Want You - 40.5
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reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » LunaCalypso
STORY status » Ongoing
chapters reviewed » 2
genres » Supernatural, Thriller, Love Triangle
description » Seoul University For The Gifted is a step in the right direction for supernatural kind and a great opportunity for those around the world to learn more about their ancestry. What happens when a sheltered witch decides to enroll and gets more than what she’s bargained for?
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (2)
appeal » 2/2
correlation » 0/2
CLARITY » 0/1
The title has a nice ring to it, with the repetition of 'I Want You'. It screams romance and I'm convinced it would pull readers in if they were scrolling through a list of fanfictions. At this stage, I don't see the correlation of the title to your story, which so far isn't a concern as you've just started writing. I'll make it a point here that I can't award many marks in this review - I can only score based on the two chapters posted. As such, please don't be discouraged by the grading.
graphics (2.5)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 0.5/2
correlation to the story » 1/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 1/1
I'm liking the overall dark aura of the poster, adding to the mysteriously supernatural genre of the story. The title is a bit difficult to spot, as it blends in too much with the black background, so I would suggest having that edited. The first thing the eye should catch is the title. Secondly, the quote is a nice pick but also hard to make out. I think this is because of the cursive font - here I would suggest enlargening so the readers can smoothly read the quote. Though not entirely clear, the background images hint the witch component of the story, but I would also suggest making it clearer. Lastly, I would be able to appreciate the poster more if the images of the characters were blended. As they are currently of different image quality, sizes and colouring, the positioning of the photos is very patchy. Weaving them together by making the separation of the photos less obvious also shows their connection in the story, whilst playing it nicer for the eye.
description and foreword (7)
APPEAL of the description » 3/4
appropriateness of the description » 2/4
organisation of description and foreword » 2/2
Description and Foreword gives a short and enticing summary to the story. I think you've got a good balance between introducing the story without revealing too much. I would award full marks here if I could tick off relevance to the story - we are yet to see if the Description will be true to its words.
story layout (3)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 2/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 1/2
Font style and size are consistent, which are always pluses. However, the spacial divisions are very messy. Of your two posted chapters, some lines are separated by one line, others by two. Put togther, it makes your chapters look really messy as the lines are sporadically spread out. Even divisions smoothen out the reading flow and, similar to above, plays it nicer for the eye. I would suggest editing your two chapters to stick to either one line spacing or double.
PLOT (6)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 3/10
the effect of events » 1/10
development of plot » 2/10
Not much to review here. What we're given so far is very introductory. Not much fault to pick out as of yet. Excited to see where you take the three characters in the future and their significance to the story.
Some main tips for you to take away are to think about what kind of events you will take your characters through, how these events would affect the storyline and the characters, and how you can continue progressing from occurrence to occurence to move your story along. If you haven't already, I suggest making a rough or thorough story plan so you know where the story's headed, figure out which events are appropriate and would be exciting for the readers, and let your writing shape where you go. Quite commonly, authors neglect to consider the significance of each situation they conjure - each occurrence can be interpreted in any way by each reader, so it's important that you establish for yourself why you have chosen particular events and be sure to be completely happy with it. This way, whether the readers interpret the significance of your plot as you want them to or not wouldn't matter, as long as you are satisfied with it.
characterisation (2)
development of characters » 0/5
character influence on the story » 2/5
Another category that I can't comment much on. For your future chapters, I would point out focusing on where you plan on taking your characters in terms of change in their persona and how events that will occur would impact these characters. You could also consider how change in characters can develop your plot and affect events. In all, you should ensure that your characters DO develop, rather than staying stagnant and remaining the same person throughout the story. We should be able to see a clear change in the main characters from how you present them at the beginning to how you will finish them at the end of the story.
content description (7)
quantity » 3/5
quality » 4/5
You are on the right track to a fair amount of description. Elaborate narration, such as when you described the appearances of Jurina and Somi, is very useful as it helps set the picture for the readers. However, there are some sections where the description was lacking and it ends up being very rushed. For example, in your second chapter - 'I leave the plane and enter the airport'. Stretching this sentence out a little further would go a long way to ease the reader with the transition into the airport. Overall, I'm quite happy with the content and hope you continue your current style!
flow (3)
suitability of the flow » 1/2
your control of the pace » 2/3
In some places I felt the flow was too quick, though I'm not familiar with the general pacing of your story - again, as a result of the lack of chapters. Some parts of the chapters, which I think you treat as significant, are more controlled, but other parts - particularly Lavender moving from one location to another - aren't explained enough (so this ties in with Content Description). This has the effect of you needing to rush it out and glossing over the details. I recommend taking your time with narration - this can help you plan out the story better whilst also telling the readers everything that's happening, how it's happening, and possibly why.
grammar (5)
punctuation » 2/4
spelling » 2/2
vocabulary » 1/2
tense collisions » 0/2
There are no spelling errors which is a big plus. An acceptable use of vocabulary, though I recommend branching further from overly using 'said' and 'asked'. The main issues with your Grammar is the tag-verb collision and inconsistent use of tenses.
When you end a dialogue with 'said', 'commented', 'exclaimed', etc, you should use a comma ( , ) as the ending punctuation to your dialogue. When you end with a character's action, you should use a period ( . ).
Chapter 2 - New Friends in the Fancy
“Hi, I’m Somi.” The brunette greeted, shaking my hand.
“Hello, I’m Jurina.” The blonde said with a warm smile.
“Nice to meet you both.” I say shyly.
“Hi, I’m Somi,” the brunette greeted, shaking my hand.
“Hello, I’m Jurina,” the blonde said with a warm smile.
“Nice to meet you both,” I say shyly.
Littered throughout your chapters is constant tense collision - this means that you use terms both in present and past tense. You should really stick with one, i.e, say (present) vs said (past), yell (present) vs yelled (past). If you need more examples or unsure about this collision, please let me know.
taste of story (3)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 1/5
influence of flow and grammar » 1/4
length of your story » 1/1
Personally I enjoy reading supernatural stories so on first impression, I am quite enticed by your storyline. I was hoping to have a taste of more chapters so I can generate a clearer response about whether I would be sufficiently interested in I Want You, I Want You. Put simply, there's just not enough content for me to make a decision. I am a bit of a Grammar Nazi, so the tag-verb collision, tense collision and constant use of 'say' and 'ask' did bother me along the way. Please let me know if you want some futher tips on anything, I'll be most happy to help out more. Best of luck with writing!
total score (40.5)
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