title, u n t i t l e d  # 5

>> vmin. angst. 1.4w. tw: talk of suicide, mentions of eating disorders, mentions of sleeping disorders, mentions of dark hallucinations, mauerbauertraurigkeit (? i guess except there's actual attemps to push people away, but just in case), trying to overwork oneself (there might be a word for this but idk), mentions of self half. a/n: so i've been fighting one of my best friends about why i dont eat or sleep much, so i decided to make this instead of explaining it to her directly. so ye basically another fic where i put everything i deal with and all that into a fic lmao every reason isn't all there and there isn't a lot of detail, but i hope this is enough to get my point across

"i wish i wasn't such an ," jimin suddenly says, deep voice cutting through the comforting silence that previously settled over them. "i wish i didn't try to push everyone way."

taehyung taps his pencil on his textbook and waits a few seconds before spinning around in his chair to look at jimin with furrowed eyebrows. "why do you say that?"

"hoseok-hyung told me he didn't want to be friends anymore." jimin mumbles, staring at the roof blankly. he probably should be crying at such a sad fact, but he doesn't. "said i was too complicated, or whatever. said how i don't eat or sleep much and how mental illness-ridden just became too much for him to handle."

taehyung frowns, placing his pencil down and leaning back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. "well.. that's too bad for him."

"how do you deal with me?" jimin questions, head tilting to look over at the brunette. "how can you stand with being around me?"

"because i love you." taehyung replies like it was the most obvious thing in the world, head tilting and hair falling into his deep brown eyes. jimin blinks. "that's not what i mean, ."

"no seriously," taehyung shrugs, "i can deal with you because i love you. i know how you are underneath everything you've buried yourself under."

jimin doesn't seem satisfied with the answer, lips drawing a frown, but he doesn't say anything and goes back to staring at the roof of taehyung's bedroom. taehyung watches jimin for a few seconds before spinning back around and continuing his work. the same comforting silence falls over them again, but it's slightly worring to taehyung. jimin thinks when he's silent, and jimin thinking isn't usually a good thing. he thinks about dark things, gruesome things. things taehyung wishes he could erase from his mind, but knows he never will.

"y'know, half of me really, really wants to just commit suicide to get everything over with. stop being a burden to everyone, and become one less problem for everyone around me to deal with," jimin says barely ten minutes later of silence. "but the other half just doesn't care about death enough to actually try. like.. i just don't care about living enough to keep the thoughts and images away, and try to get better, but i don't care about dying enough to actually, completely give up trying to slightly better and actually kill myself."

taehyung grips his pen and squeezes his eyes shut, using the five seconds jimin is used to waiting for a reply to tell himself not to cry, and doesn't turn around to face jimin. "why's that?" his voice cracks, and taehyung really wants to punch himself.

jimin picks up on the voice crack and frowns. he made taehyung sad. jimin's always making everyone sad or angry. so jimin decides not to answer and sighs, turning over to stare at the wall instead. taehyung curses internally; he wants jimin to tell him everything, to use him as an outlet, but he keeps getting emotional and jimin immediately crawls back into his shell as soon as taehyung shows the first sign.

taehyung drops the pen and stands up, turning to walk over to the bed and laying down on it behind jimin. "jiminie," taehyung mumbles, wrapping his arms around the redhead's waist to bring him closer and kisses the back of his neck. "please tell me."

"i don't know what you're talking about." jimin replies, melting into the embrace, but not turning to return it. it's his automatic response to brush off worries after going into his shell, acting like he's completely fine even if he just admited to wanting to kill himself barely a two minutes ago.

taehyung frowns, pressing jimin's back flush against his chest and pressing his lips to the back of jimin's shoulder. "don't be like this, jimin. just.. tell me. tell me everything. talk about whatever you want. i'm here for you."

jimin stays silent, and he stares at the wall the whole five minutes he's quiet before he decides that maybe it would be okay to tell taehyung as least a little bit of his worries. not all, but some. "i just... i don't sleep because i need to do work. i need to do everything people request from me online, sleeping takes away hours i could use to be working. if i don't work, people get disappointed, i'll get better fine physically and i won't have a reason to be so depressed and sick. i don't eat because it makes me feel sick, and sometimes food just doesn't look edible. i don't want the number on the scale to go up, when it goes up i feel like i've done something wrong and i panic. if i eat too much, i feel like.. like i'm being too lazy, or something. it's hard to explain.."

taehyung bites his lip, moving to press his forehead to the back of jimin's neck and closing his eyes. "k-keep going."

jimin clearly hears taehyung's stutter, but he forces himself not to go back inside his shell and keeps talking. "i'm vulnerable when i'm asleep. i could be killed, and i wouldn't even have anything to give because i didn't do anything. i wouldn't have even said goodbye or i love you to you one last time. i have no control over anything when i'm asleep; that's why i keep having those bad dreams. i can't control anything, even if i'm completely aware that it's a dream and it's not real and all i want is to just /wake up/, i can't do anything and i still get scared."

taehyung sighs, his arms tightening around jimin's waist and jimin bites the inside of his cheek. he slowly turns around in taehyung's grip and takes in his features. taehyung opens his eyes and brings their foreheads together. "jimin.. we'll get through this. you won't be like this forever.."

"i've been like this for six or seven years. i want it all to stop now." jimin whispers and taehyung frowns at how soft jimin's voice is. completely different from how he usually speaks. "i want to stop thinking i'm useless, or untalented. i want to be able to accept compliments. i want to love who i am, be comfortable with the skin i'm in. i want to stop trying to push away the most important people to me. i want to stop trying to push you away."

taehyung closes his eyes and inhales deeply before releasing it, opening his eyes. he raises a hand from jimin's waist to jimin's cheek, thumb caressing his skin. "jimin, no matter how hard you try to push me away, no matter how much of a burden you think you are to me, i'm not going anywhere. i'm staying right here, with you. you need me, i need you. i need to stay here and take care of you, and protect you from everyone and everything that wants to harm you, or take advantage of how you are for their own personal gain."

jimin opens his mouth, but taehyung presses his index finger to his lips. "don't try to say you're being a burden. i'm going to protect you, i'm going to stay here, i'm going to take care of you because i want to. i want to so much, i need to. i wouldn't be able to live with myself if something happened to you and i could've done something about it. i'm staying here with you."

jimin bites his lip, looking down. taehyung smiles, pressing his lips to jimin's forehead and pulling the redhead closer. "don't worry, jiminie, we'll get through this. you'll get through this."

and jimin nods because for once he just wants to give himself the relief, the comfort, of finally agreeing with taehyung about something positive, give himself the smallest thought that maybe he really can get better. maybe there will be a day where his own mind doesn't hate him to the point it lashes at him in his dreams and holds him down to ing suffer for a little longer before he can finally manage to wake up; maybe there will be a day where he won't almost burst into tears at the thought of eating; maybe there will be a day the darkness doesn't hold so many red-eyed threats with large smiles showing off rows of shark teeth, fingernails replaced with long knives; maybe there will be a day where he stops fantasizing about getting hit by a car or a plane crash, or losing everything in a fire; maybe there will be a day where he finally feels sane.

but for now, he'll just let taehyung hold him and try to push away all of his fears, and urges for as long as he can before jimin breaks down again.