>> vmin // angst // lapslok // 569w // trigger: panic attacks, depression, self-hate/insults caused by mental disorders, possibly triggering choice of words/sentences | a/n: it's really hard to pretend i'm okay and i'm a stone wall when so damn much is happening at once and more stuff keeps happening and i can't stop ing thinking. also thank you very much for the kind comments, it means a lot,, i'll reply to all of them tomorrow or the day after that. not proof-read because i was in the middle of my umpteenth break down when i wrote this and that's not pretty and i don't want to see this again until later

no matter how much jimin hates it, he can't be strong all the time; he can't be that person that smiles to make everyone else feel happier even when he's crying inside, that pretends everything's okay all the time, that pretends he's okay all the time. jimin can't be that person all the time; so sometimes all the walls he spent years building and making impossible to break crumble down to his feet in a pile of shards to become a minefield too dangerous to cross and be free. so sometimes he has a break down, falling to his knees, clawing at his scalp and face, crying, screaming, gasping for air, wanting to be six feet in the ground.

sometimes taehyung has to be the protector. sometimes taehyung has to be the one to look out for jimin, to comfort him at his weakest moments. taehyung is younger than jimin, though only by a few months, and usually away with the fairies so he gets picked on a lot, as he's seen as vulnerable and naive, so jimin took it upon himself to protect taehyung from the dangers of the world, tuck him into his chest and his hair when someone spoke daggers to him.

but when jimin is on the floor, begging to be able to breathe and for peace, the demons in his mind taking control of him and screaming at him that he's selfish, stupid, fat, ugly, a piece of , waste of space, taehyung is the one that has to hold jimin close and run a hand down his back. taehyung is the one that has to be strong, hold back his tears and tuck away his own problems into a chest of red, lock it in a closet deep in his mind to focus on only jimin.

sometimes jimin clings to taehyung like the demons in his head with drag one of them away and throw them in a black room, lock the door and eat the key. sometimes jimin shoves taehyung away and pushes himself back into a corner of the room, taehyung's touch like hot irons burning his skin off his flesh and taehyung's voice like scissors being shoved into his ears. sometimes jimin doesn't know which one to do, taehyung processing as a threat in his brain and wanting to be far away from him, but also wanting taehyung to hold him close and tell him he loves him, that he's important and everything the voices are telling him aren't true.

it hurts taehyung either way; it hurts to have jimin hold onto him as if the world will end if he lets go, and it hurts to have jimin shove him away as if he were a disease. it hurts to see jimin in such a state, a state completely different of the jimin that never stops smiling and helps him with his homework all night and sneaks kisses when taehyung is distracted and runs away with a giggle when taehyung blushes scarlet before turning to yell at him and never forgets to tell him how much he loves him.

but taehyung tries his best to calm jimin down anyway and smiles when jimin walks up to him the next day, pressing a 'i'm sorry, i love you' to taehyung's neck with his lips and tucks an 'it's okay, i love you too' under jimin's tongue with his own.