title,  e v e r y t h i n g  i s  s o  i n g  u g l y  (e x c e p t  f o r  y o u)

>> vmin / ansgt / no cap / large trigger warning (depression, paranoia, anxiety, self-loath, eating disorders, suicidal and homicidal thoughts, suicide attempts, self harm, hallucinations, voices) / 1.5w / a.n: okay so this is the last one, so i'm off to bed~ but taehyung here is based after me except taehyung isn't as bad me here (yes, taehyung is in an awful state here, but i still am worse), and i don't do self harm (well, cutting, i use my nails and hot water) or try to comite suicide

taehyung doesn't remember when it all started. taehyung doesn't remember when he saw his first hallucination (or what it even was for that matter), when he had his first break down, when his depression first started, when he had his first suicidal thought, when he had his first homicidal thought, when he first attempted suicide, when the voices first started whispering dark things into his ear, when he first stuck his finger down his throat, when he first started skipping meals. he doesn't remember any of it, he just knows he has to deal with all of it now and it's pure torture.

it's torture to look at yourself in the mirror and just feel so disgusted with the person staring back. it's torture to want to eat, but look at food and feel like you're going to throw up because nothing looks edible because it's like your stomach believes eating is a myth. it's torture to not go outside because you're scared of everything and there are so many things that can trigger attacks. it's torture to want to believe people when they say you're good looking and talented so much, but just can't. it's torture to not ing even be able to think positive thoughts because the positivity makes you think of scenarios where you're happy, but just ends up triggering worry thus triggering attacks, forcing you to think forever about the bad sides of things, how everything can go so wrong.

taehyung hates his life and hates what he has become; a broken, miserable shell of someone that used to have such a bright future ahead of them. taehyung hates being stuck in his house all the time, but hates knowing that he'll just have a panic attack or an anxiety attack and that the paranoia and suspicion of everyone around him will eat at him until he's back in that hell hole even more. taehyung hates that the only place he can find even a bit of peace and relaxation is the house that's falling apart and everyone living inside is an alcoholic, abusive . taehyung can't even get treatment for his conditions because his parents just scoff and call him a liar, even when they see taehyung shaken from his hallucinations and the voices.

taehyung hates everything about him and surrounding him; his parents, the voices telling him things ranging from how worthless he is to killing people because it's fun, his anxiety, his depression, his anger, his suicidal and homicidal thoughts, everything.

but the thing he hates the most is seeing the sadness in jimin's eyes when he tells jimin that no, he hasn't eaten anything that day other than some pieces of bread he ended up throwing up anyway because they felt too heavy in his stomach. that yes, he did attempt to kill himself that day. that yes, he did think about taking a kitchen knife and running it through his father's damn throat that day. that no, he didn't leave the house, not even to check the mail that day. taehyung hates how he's always the cause of jimin's pain and depression. taehyung doesn't even understand why jimin keeps knocking on his bedroom window every night, why jimin keeps coming back. taehyung will just disappoint him again by telling him everything he didn't want to hear.

"you don't disappoint me," jimin would always say whenever taehyung brought it up as he taehyung's faded orange hair, "you can't control it, it's not your fault. you'll never disappoint me, taehyung."

taehyung hates to see the tears that start rolling down jimin's cheeks when he observes the new bruises on his chest and arms from when he got dragged into the argument his parents were having, the new cuts on his wrists from when everything became too much, the new cut on his throat from when he attempted to end it all before jimin's doe eyes, beautiful smile, soft and silky voice, and gentle touches came to mind. "i'm sorry," taehyung always whispered, and he's being honest, he is sorry for putting jimin through this, for being the way he is. and jimin always smiled, raising his head to press his lips against taehyung's and taehyung is still not sure if those kisses are to give jimin the comfort of knowing he's still there, or if they're to comfort taehyung. "don't be sorry, taehyung," jimin speaks in a voice quieter than taehyung's and his voice shakes from the tears that slick his eyelashes and gloss his eyes.

taehyung hates it when his chest tightens and his eyes start to sting because jimin told him he's so beautiful again and that he's so talented and taehyung wants nothing more than to believe jimin, give a smile, a nod, something, but all he can do is lean against the older when he wraps his arms around his larger, but bonier frame.

"i'm so sorry," taehyung breathes when jimin catches him running a razor blade across his wrist in the bathroom. and jimin only smiles as tears run down his cheeks one after the other in a never-ending stream, his fingers shaky as they help taehyung clean his wounds before taping gauze to the red area. jimin tries to hold in the emotions of seeing the most important person to him doing such a thing, but the tears refuse to stop and taehyung brings him into his chest because he knows jimin's about to break down.

taehyung's not sure why jimin cared so much when he saw taehyung sitting on the side walk in the middle of the night with clothes way too light for below freezing weather, why jimin seemed so heartbroken at finding out it was because taehyung's parents threw him out, why jimin took care of him, why jimin kept visiting him every day after that, why jimin fell in love with him, why jimin stays with him even after two years of pain, disappointment, and depression, but he knows that even though he hates everyone walking on this planet including himself, he loves jimin and he's going to try to stay alive for him and him alone.

I apologize for mistakes and thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed! <3333333333333 (should i move this to the a.n or leave it at the bottom??)