Review for Squared in the Moon

Title (3/5)

I read your author’s note about the title you used and I was a bit amused by your first reason for the moon thing…The title didn’t really make sense to me when I read your foreword and ‘examined’ your poster… or when I finished reading your story. If you hadn’t explained it, I might’ve missed the meaning behind it. Btw, I’m Filipino… but I think muni-muni is not defined like that… Muni-muni is thinking deeply and not just about the day-dreaming thing. Really.

Foreward/Description (7/10)

Can you explain why Baekhyun broke the ‘Y.O.L.O’ code? Didn’t he follow it or something?

Appearance (3/5)

Well, the poster didn’t match the actual feel of the story or maybe the plot.

Plot (11/15)

There were a few concerns left in my mind after reading your fic.

First, the pattern of your events going from the grey colored text to the black colored text did not make sense at times. I had to think about it a lot just to understand what it really was.

Second, why did Chanyeol readily kiss Baekhyun when he didn’t even know the guy in the first place? It’s understandable that he was observing Baekhyun for a while (like you mentioned), but an ordinary person wouldn’t respond like that especially to a guy who constantly dreamt about him and moaned his name during his work shifts. Also, a popular guy wouldn’t reveal his identity readily (courtesy of the wild fans).

Third, shouldn’t employees behave properly during their work shifts? Kaisoo was for comedic purposes, but the customers were clearly bothered by their noises in the staff room, right?

Originality (12/15)

A typical story about a fan crushing on an idol.

Grammer & Spelling (18/20)

Some sentences weren’t supposed to be combined. They would sound better if you separated them into two compound sentences instead of a very long complex sentence with many clauses.

Tenses should be constant throughout the story. I saw present and past mixed in certain paragraphs.

Other than that, there were no serious errors.


Flow (7/10)

Like I said earlier, the flow was confusing. You should have added some kind of indication (besides the color of the text) whether a certain paragraph was connected to the other. I was frowning at the flow of this especially when Chanyeol made his actual appearance and acted like a weirdo.

Characterization (7/10)

There wasn’t much character development throughout this one-shot. All I got were: Baek being a weird day-dreamer, Kaisoo going at it like rabbits and Chanyeol suddenly appearing at the end.

Overall Enjoyment (7/10)

I’m encouraging you to elaborate your story a bit more. Your fic might get more readers if you fixed the points of confusion and avoided rushing the ending. But your grammar was pretty good.

Reviewed by: Madchen

Score: 75/100