My Heroine, My First Love
Forbidden Dreamers Review Gallery
»My Heroine, My First LoveReview«
Title (4/5)
Suitable enough but a slight suggestion; "His heroine, His first love"
Foreward/Description (7/10)
The Luhan bit sounds like he had an ex who looked like Celeste (but is not) and he was only fell in love with Celeste because she reminded him of something else. Other than that it was fine.
Appearance (4/5)
I like the poster. Sweet choice of colours and suitable characters being portrayed.
Plot (10/15)
Overall a good storyline. Interesting and has a lot of room for story development.
Just a couple of pointers which I hope can help improve your story:
-As per mentioned, your foreword makes it seem like Lunan's "first lover" isn't Celeste
-You confirmed this suspicion in Chapter 3 when you went into the flashback
-Transition from chapter 2 to chapter 3, you did not state how, why and under what circumstances did Celeste return to her apartment
-Back in chapter 1, I also have no idea why she ended up in Luhan's bed, why not Lay's?
-Also in chapter 2 whilst it was written in "your" POV, you suddenly knew Xiumin's name without the introduction
-I didn't particularly like how you explicitly stated it as a "young Luhan" yet you want to keep a sense of suspense that Celeste's recurring childhood dream was an unknown male, contradictory. Why wouldn't Celeste recognise Luhan if she knew the small boy was a young Luhan?
-In chapter 3 as well, when you returned to work after a long break, does your friend not bother questioning your disappearance?
Just ensure that you don't allow for all these missing gaps to surface. Hope you understand where I'm coming from and hope you find them useful for your following chapters ;-) Good luck!
Originality (13/15)
Giving you credit here. It is indeed an interesting storyline.
Grammer & Spelling (17/20)
Generally no huge mistakes that affect your overall story.
But a couple of mistakes I spotted:
-Chapter 2: "Furthermore, you helped LAY; it's only fair that we let you rest here."
-Chapter 3: "A few days HAD past"
You might want to improve the sentence structure and flow of words overall.
Flow (5/10)
I have to penalize you here due to the gaps you left in the story as mentioned above. It causes abruptness to the story. Apart from that the basic storyline development speed is going rather smoothly.
Characterization (8/10)
Not too bad at all in this aspect. I can understand the characters, their personalities and emotions pretty well. Just note the way you write; who's POV and what expressions should be made prominent.
Overall Enjoyment (7/10)
A comfortable read on a whole with an interesting plot.
Reviewed by: eunhyuksgal
75/100!
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