Dark Ties by Nictaeny9

Title: (17/25)

- Title of the story: (9/15)

I personally like the title. It gives off an aura of mystery as on how Taeyeon and Tiffany are “tied”. Although so far, I haven’t seen how they are tied, except the part where they both have tragic pasts. But generally, thinking of all the other readers that are reading your story, it’s more suitable for a story with a horror or suspense genre.

Also, I’ll give you a thumbs-up for having a formal-looking title.

- Title of each chapter: (8/10)

As I have read through your chapters, I can see that it fits well. And the title can give what the readers would expect. Although the one-word titles are too broad, try to make up a phrase that makes the title of the chapter more specific in a way that it’s not too much to give out the whole story.

Foreword/Description: (14/15)

I want to give you a high grade for having a nice description and foreword, because it wasn’t all-out giving, and it gives the readers a sense of wanting to read more about the characters. If I were a reader that stumbled by your story, I would definitely read it (if I’m perfectly comfortable with the genre, which I am).

There are very minor mistakes on your description, which will be discussed in the Conventions.

Originality: (17/35)

- Characters (7/15):

The characters are unique in each way, although the badass type of girl (Taeyeon) is a bit common. Try to add some distinction to your characters to make them different from those other badass protagonists. If you can, add some twists with what really happened to her father, or those who kidnapped her. Tiffany, too, is a bit usual.

- Plot (10/20):

The plot isn’t unique, and it is used by many writers. But the way you write it sometimes makes it different from the others. I suggest that as the story progresses, make an effort to kick it up a notch and make the readers realize that your story is different from others in a good way.

Writing Style: (25/40)

Your writing style is good, but it doesn’t particularly say that you have a unique style of writing. Your vocabulary isn’t narrow, but it also isn’t considered “wide”. Because the words you use vary, but there are some parts that show redundancy.

Ex:  I coughed an awkward cough before immediately retreating my hand.

Correction: I coughed in a rather awkward way before pulling my hand away. / I coughed in a rather awkward way, retreating my hand immediately.

The sentence above showed redundancy because you used the word “cough” twice. Sometimes, repeating words give emphasis on the message the character is showing, but sometimes it’s just plain irritating.

It isn’t considered “immediately” if the doer of the action does something before the verb supported by the adverb. It doesn’t make sense.

Your diction (or the way you use words) is quite confusing.

Ex: I fiddled with the buttons on the refrigerator, trying to make ice water come out. So far, nothing. I take my compliment back, Shin Dong at choosing machinery.

Correction: I tried pressing the buttons on the refrigerator, in an attempt to fill my cup with ice water, but so far, nothing. I take my compliment back; Shin Dong at choosing appliances.

Fiddled means to touch or fidget with something in a restless or nervous way (credits to Google). Taeyeon obviously won’t get water if she just touches the buttons. And machinery sounds too general for a home appliance, and it sounds like you’re talking about factories and stuff.

Ex #2: Grades, social life, in that 15 minutes, Taeyeon knew everything there was to know about me, the real me. Well, everything but my past and the reality of my life. I didn't need to hide, didn't need to fear.

Correction: Grades, social life, in that 15 minutes, Taeyeon knew everything there was to know about me. Well, everything but my past. I didn’t need to hide, didn’t need to fear. But somehow, I still can’t push myself in telling her my horrible past.

The whole paragraph seems to be contradictory. Taeyeon knew everything about Tiffany, the real her, but she doesn’t know of Tiffany’s reality? Tiffany didn’t need to hide, but she still hid her past from Taeyeon.

The syntax of your story is good; you used and limited devices that supported your story.

Your way of informal writing fits with your point of view (although we’ll tackle about the POVs in the flow/pacing).

Characterization: (20/25)

Your characterization of Taeyeon and Tiffany is great. And it gives you an upper-hand since there are only two major characters so far. Both of them have great character development, and it’s nice to see them still having a hard time getting to know each other more—it makes it more realistic rather than the “hey-I’m-your-friend-let’s-be-lovers-because-we-look-good-together” kind of progress.

I very much like the concept of Tiffany having two personalities; it makes it look like Tiffany has a disoriented mental health.

But the “girl” you’re talking about is… still missing in action, for me, of course. Even if you give subtle hints about her, I don’t get any information or feelings about her. She doesn’t give me the “suspense” kind of feeling that she’s supposed to give to the readers. For me she’s just another unnamed character.

I’m excited for Taeyeon to have more interactions with Yunho, Siwon, and Taecyeon.

Shindong so far is nice and he really fits the fatherly type of role, I also wonder about his past somehow of having to take care of Taeyeon.

Conventions (Spelling, Grammar, Punctuation): (12/20)

You have no problems when it comes to spelling. The problem is the grammar and the punctuation.

Although your grammatical errors are completely common, it’s still distracting and my mind keeps on bugging me to correct the grammar. Of course, as a writer, you need to put effort to make your grammar as meticulous as possible, since your readers are making an effort to read your story.

One mistake you usually commit is the use of your and you’re, and the lack of the period/ellipse when using the abbreviation.

Ex:  *" Ms Kim, you're father would like to speak to you in the conference room," my headhouse keeper, Shin Dong addressed.

Correction: “Ms. Kim/Miss Kim, your father would like to speak to you in the conference room,” my head housekeeper, Shin Dong, addressed.

Always use a period when using abbreviations.

Your shows possession, it is a possessive pronoun, while you’re is the shortcut of you are. It makes the same sound, but entirely different in meaning, please be careful when using these kinds of words.

Another is the use of commas even if it’s not needed.

Ex: That, cannot happen.

Correction: That cannot happen.

I’m assuming that you wanted the word “that” to be emphasized. If you want to put stress to a particular word, either you italicize it or you put it on bold. But I, myself prefer italics then than bold.

Third is when you use quotation marks. You don’t need to put a space after the opening quotation mark before typing in the word (refer to the *). And, you will use a comma after the statement and before the closing quotation mark if the following sentence would be supporting the quoted statement (confusing, right? I’m sorry).

Ex: “Joonmyun,” his professor, Leeteuk, said.

Last is the excessive use of periods/ellipses. When you use this punctuation, it’s either you use one or three, no more and no less.

Conventions are a large factor that contributes to attaining the readers’ attention. And if not used well, the readers will often be distracted, therefore missing the important parts of the story.

Flow/Pacing: (20/30)

The flow of the story is just right—so far, that is, since your story isn’t completed yet.

I understand that TaeNy is linked to each other, so I figured it’s the reason why Taeyeon and Tiffany are attracted to each other in one way or another at the beginning of the story. But if you wish to give your readers a bit of suspense, use cliffhangers. If there would be action happening (I’m sure there would be), you should try and make the tension higher first, to pique the interest of the readers, then bam! You end the chapter with an intriguing ending statement that will leave your readers craving for more.

Don’t try to fit all the happenings in a single chapter—it sometimes puts off the excitement of the readers. But don’t take it too slow either, it bores the bajabers out of the readers, like what you did with the concept of the “girl” that will soon appear. It’s already the 11^th chapter and there are only hints of the mysterious girl that (I think) plays a big role in the story. And also, the hints don’t give any readers a clue at all, and it makes me frustrated that why is the “girl” still not in the story. (just like what I have described in the Characterization)

Ah, the POV switches. Many writers tend to do this, but it is not preferable. Although it is indicated who’s POV it is, it may still cause confusion. I suggest that you try using the third person’s POV (omniscient), because it is very similar as to what you are doing now with your story.

Presentation (Graphics, Background, Spacing): (8/10)

I don’t really look at posters or the graphics too much, because sometimes it doesn’t portray any message to the readers. It just gives off “pizzazz” to the overall presentation. It’s not distracting, but it’s also not that attracting.

The font is nice, it’s not hard to read and it’s not multi-colored. But I’d rather you not put up a picture of Taeyeon and Tiffany in the Foreword, it’s distracting (they’re too beautiful I just don’t want to take my eyes off them).

The spacing of your story isn’t confusing.

But the background…it’s not distracting (it’s pretty actually, compared to white), but I don’t see why you have to put a quote that has no relation to the story.

Bonus: (up to five plus points)

+2 for using TaeNy as the OTP (the only yuri OTP I ship)

Suggestion/s:

I suggest you use Microsoft Word to easily see the errors in your story. And look for Beta-Shops that can help you with your grammar. Try not to switch POVs very often or don’t change it at all.

Total: 133 + 2 = 135 out of 195

Reviewed by _junmash