»If we were meant to be, we will...  Review«

Title (3/5)

To begin with, I like the sound of it. It hints the reader about the plot of the story. When I first saw it, I imagined a couple that had already split but was reconsidering their breakup.  However, in my opinion, it sounds incomplete; maybe it was supposed to be a title with an open ending, but it’s a bit too open. “We will” what? Try shortening your title or changing it to something else.

Foreword/Description (6/10)

Description: First of all, considering it isn’t in the actual story itself, I like how you put a small “epilogue” right in the beginning. The epilogue is interesting, and it gives me an idea of the rest of the story. Moreover, I’m not a big fan of the different colors for each description of the characters, but I noticed that you matched the color of the text to the frames of the photos of the characters. Additionally, the descriptions themselves have grammatical errors, but I’ll discuss that in a later part of this review.

Foreword: There isn’t much to say about your foreword because it’s just a dedication.

Appearance (5/5)

I actually think that the poster is super cute. It’s visually appealing, and it radiates a sense of comfort that I enjoy from fanfics. I especially like the photo of the two little kids in the bottom half. They could represent Eleanor and Mark from back in their childhood or their future children, if you know what I mean. I’m just kidding. (Sort of.)

Plot (10/15)

Please also read the “Originality” and “Flow” sections of this review.

I have to say, your fanfic is really predictable. It’s just like any other arranged marriage story out there, and this kind of disappointed me. I was expecting more. Nevertheless, let’s continue with the review. Truthfully, the best part of your plot so far was Mark not recognizing Eleanor because it was different. Readers want to know the reason as to why he doesn’t seem to know who she really is because this is the one thing that makes your story different compared to others.

So far, the plot is decent. It seems cliché and too idealistic, but I believe that you can redeem yourself as the story progresses.

I just had to point this out, but it doesn’t seem possible to me how Eleanor loves to speed. (150 kilometers an hour is definitely speeding). Yet, she never seems to get in trouble for it. She always manages to not get caught by the authorities nor get herself injured at all. You have to keep in mind that this story takes place where other normal citizens exist too. Speeding serves as a risk to all of the other people in your fictional world.  

Eleanor’s mother seems too lenient to me, and there’s one part of the story that just threw me off.
“Mrs. Wu asked Eleanor as she examined her like a mother who hadn’t seen her daughter for a long time. ‘Ma. I’m fine. It’s just only a year or two you didn’t see me.’”
One to two years is actually a long time. It’s up to 730 days.  

Originality (1/15)

Forgive me, but there is absolutely nothing original about your story, other than Mark not remembering Eleanor. It is the basic storyline of an arranged marriage fan fiction. Although it’s still too early to judge the rest of your story, there is nothing so far that I can pinpoint as original. Like I said earlier, the plot is predictable as of now. Just throwing this out there, but I have this hunch that Eleanor and Mark will get married. Initially, Mark will not like her and go back to his real girlfriend, Sohee. Sohee will become jealous of Eleanor and do everything she can to ruin their marriage. However, in the end, Mark chooses Eleanor over Sohee because he finds true love with the former. I suggest trying to come up with a personal twist.

Language (12/20)

I’m going to assume that you’re not a native English speaker, but that’s perfectly okay! Please don’t be offended in this part of the review because that isn’t my intention! Remember that this review is for me to help you improve your writing skills.

Grammar: Honestly, my first impression wasn’t positive. There are grammatical errors in the description of your story, but they’re mostly errors with the tenses and singular/plural forms of the verbs.

Example: “Work as an ER doctor. Have a very bubbly and cute personality. The middle child of the Wus. Have been working in Sydney for five years. Best friend with Minzy from 2NE1. Have secret talents. Born in 17 May 1994. More information will be reveal through the story.” → “Works as an ER doctor. Has a very bubbly and cute personality. The middle child of the Wus. Has been working in Sydney for five years. Best friends with Minzy from 2NE1. Has secret talents. Born on₁ 17 May 1994. More information will be revealed through the story.”

1. “Born in 17 May 1994” → “Born on 17 May 1994”
   People are not born in days.

This prepositional phrase should be separated by commas.
Example: “Eleanor in the end went to Australia to work until she was called back to Korea…” → “Eleanor, in the end, went to Australia to work until she was called back to Korea…” or “In the end, Eleanor went to Australia to work until she was called back to Korea…”

Here is an example of an error of story’s tenses from its first chapter.
“Tristan asked as he opens his lunch box.” ← “asked” and “opens” are two different tenses. The former is past tense while the latter is present tense. Most authors prefer using past tense, but there are many different forms of it. Here’s a link to help you out: http://www.dailywritingtips.com/9-forms-of-the-past-tense/
You don’t have to change your story one of the tenses in the link above, but please try to stick to one tense! Either present tense or past tense will be fine. Even if you don’t end up changing your story to past tense, feel free to read the information found in the link above to improve your grammar, or learn something new.

I found some problems with your use of apostrophes.
Example: “…the Wus private plane.” → “…the Wus’ private plane.”
Apostrophes are used to show possession.
Thus, in the following example from your description, the apostrophe is not needed.
Example: “The second youngest among the four Tuans’.” → “The second youngest among the four Tuans.”

Coral and pink are both colors respectively, so you don’t need to add the word “color” after them nor use both (unless you insert a hyphen in between the two) since they’re similar shades.
Example: “Kris hand her a coral pink color bandeau dress.” → “Kris handed her a coral bandeau dress.” or “Kris handed her a coral bandeau dress.”

“Your” is used to show possession while “you’re” is a contraction of the words “you are”.
Example: “You don’t look like your Chinese. You’re wearing blue contact lenses.” → “You don’t look like you’re Chinese. You’re wearing blue contact lenses.”

This sentence just doesn’t make sense.
Example: “It’s so Caucasian look.” → “It [makes you] look[s] so Caucasian.” or “It’s such a Caucasian look.”

There are more grammatical errors, but I don’t think they’re note-worthy. If you’d like for all of these to be fixed, I suggest getting a beta reader who’s fluent in English. There are shops who provide betas, or if you’d like, I’d be happy to beta your story.

Spelling: I didn’t spot any major spelling mistakes, so congrats!

Flow (6/10)

In all honesty, the story seems rushed. For example, one moment, Eleanor doesn’t want to have anything to do with Mark and leaves immediately after hearing about the arranged marriage. The next, she agrees to marry him. Why did she agree so suddenly if she was so against the idea earlier? I’d just like more depth and explanation.

There is another scene where Eleanor is eating with her friend, but then the scene suddenly skips to them shopping for Eleanor’s wedding dress. To differentiate scenes from each other after time has passed, you can insert a horizontal line in between them. When editing your story, you can add these horizontal lines at the top; it is in the same area as the “Add Image” button.

Characterization (5/10)

Eleanor is a Mary Sue. She is simply too perfect, and for this reason, she doesn’t seem realistic at all to me. Furthermore, Eleanor is basically the daughter of a chaebol, and she has the job with an annual salary of over $200,000. She started this occupation at the age of seventeen, an occupation which requires at least four years of education beforehand. Considering this, she started going college at the age of thirteen and then left to Australia for five whole years. Since she worked in Australia, she knows how to speak English, and it is later revealed that she also knows how to speak Spanish and French, along with her native language, Chinese. Seeing as she is a Chinese girl living in Korea, she also knows how to speak Korean. Moreover, her parents aren’t overprotective, and they let her do whatever she wants; they let her live in Australia while she was still a minor. In brief, Eleanor is too ideal to be true.

In addition, there are a lot of other characters which seem to have been thrown in randomly. For instance, in the beginning, readers are introduced to Mama Jae. However, I still have no idea who she is to Eleanor and if she’s even relevant to the storyline. Don’t give the names of characters unless they play a significant role in your story. Based on what I’ve read, I’m going to assume she was Eleanor’s housekeeper back in Australia. If so, you need to at least mention that somewhere in the beginning.

Overall Enjoyment (7/10)

To be truthful, I actually somewhat liked your fan fiction. Without a doubt, it was rather cliché and does not have an original plot, but it’s an interesting read.

Note from the reviewer: Omg, I’m so, so sorry for the low score, but I had to be truthful. ㅠㅠ
I’m extremely sorry if I hurt your feelings or offended you in any way during any part of this review. It wasn’t my intention to come off as harsh because I sincerely just want to help you improve! In addition, I’m also sorry critiquing this so late. I work at several other review shops, so I thought that I had already reviewed your story. If you have any questions, feel free to message me, or leave a comment. (P.S. I’d be more than happy to be your personal beta. If you want to take up my offer, don’t be afraid to tell me. If not, no worries, and I wish you the best of luck with your fanfic!) Please don’t give up on this story or feel discouraged because I see a lot of potential. Please leave a comment once you’ve picked this up. Thank you so much for requesting, and have a wonderful day! – oohkatsoo ♥

Reviewer: oohkatsoo, formerly ohheyitzkat

56/100!