»My PerditionReview «

Story

Title: (5/5)

Full marks here because Perdition is a very striking word, you never hear it in everyday convo an there for if I were to scroll through AFF and come across your story I would definitely find it intriguing. Also the definition of the word fits perfectly with the torment Jaejoong feels do to him living life after life after life, but never really dying. Great choice.

Forward/Description: (5/10)

Okay muchacho here is were we need to have a little chat. The 'Description' is were you describe your story, where you hint at things where you tell us info that isn't to important like for example how the main character is adopted and has lived with her adoptive family since she was six. We now know they aren't her real family, but it's not so important to explain in excruciating detail about every year of her life before and since then.

For you my friend, you kind of have that, but at the same time don't. 

And now for your forward...honey a forward is so thing I find many people miss use. Thy will use the space to say how they aren't the best writer and to ignore all their mistakes, that it's their first fic, how the aren't good at forwards...ect. However a forward is meant to show a sneak peak of perhaps a paragraph of your story or onshot, some people even just use it for a prologue. You however do not.

And to a nothing thing that made me dock marks: you put your A/N & credits right after your description. I understand you can put it anywhere you feel like however I am the kind of person who puts it after the forward and prefers stories with it after the forward. Reason being: that way the read can get the full on straight through gist of your story and then if they are that sort of person, read your A/N and there won't be any awkward break in between. 

Furthermore you put former posters in the description...you don't need to. If the current poster you have is the one you are content with use that one and there is no need for the old ones, but if you are emotionally attached then use one as the chapter image. We don't need anything more then necessary in the forward/description.

Here is your Description:

Right after deciding to end his current life in four days, Kim Jaejoong finds a new personal assistant.
It happens to be Jung Yunho. The man intimidates Jaejoong but they end up together.

Kim Jaejoong is not exactly human and falls in love for the first time.

"You're lucky you don't have to wake up
Sick, sick, sick, sick.
I'm sick of immortality,
I'm sick of immortality,
I'm sick of immortality."

Your Description revised and fixed:

Number Four is of system, order and management.. It is also the number of fate, so it must be remembered that there will be many things that happen over which you have no control...

Kim Jaejoong is not exactly human, and right after deciding to end his current life in four days, Jaejoong finds a new personal assistant...Jung Yunho. 

The man intimidates Jaejoong but they come to fall for one another...

Number Four is of system, order and management.. It is also the number of fate, so it must be remembered that there will be many things that happen over which you have no control...

Kim Jaejoong is not exactly human...but had fallen in love for the very first time.

"You're lucky you don't have to wake up
Sick, sick, sick, sick.
I'm sick of immortality,
I'm sick of immortality,
I'm sick of immortality."

Your Forward:

per·di·tion (pər-dĭsh′ən) - noun: 1. a. Loss of the soul; eternal damnation; b. Hell; 2. Utter ruin;
Number Four is of system, order and management.. It is also the number of fate, so it must be remembered that there will be many things that happen over which you have no control.

Your Forward revised fixed:

per·di·tion (pər-dĭsh′ən) - noun: 1. a. Loss of the soul; eternal damnation; b. Hell; 2. Utter ruin;

Jaejoong pushed the see-through glass door to his office open and stepped in, letting the door slam freely. He glanced at the piles of documents scattered on his desk and sighed. Jaejoong leaned down and pushed a button:

“Find me a full-time personal assistant. You have four hours.”

He then collapsed into his big leather chair, sinking into it's confines. The gasp of his secretary - do to his order - on the other side of the door was loud enough for him to hear.

The man got lost in his troubling thoughts. He could not understand why he would be so nervous about coming to work late or not even doing his job. Everything was extremely temporary anyways. Jaejoong got more and more bored of the Korean billionaire's lifestyle, filled with vain luxury and people and in time he decided...he was to end his current life in four days.

You see what I mean? It gives everything a little more sparkle so to speak, and honestly your description didn't really grab me the way your title did, I wanted it to shake me around and slap me back and forth but it just...didn't. The content gives and hides a good amount even if it does spoil the ending and tell everyone they fall in love, but if your going to do that you need to put more pow into it...if that makes sense. Hope I wasn't to harsh on you sweetie, I only mean to help.

Appearance: (4/5)

Great poster, it really fits the mood of dark and depressing, (something Jaejoong doesn't fail to express) and the planet earth confused me at the beginning however as I read on I came to understand it's meaning do to the fact Jae is God and what not. Everything is neat and well organized so I really don't have anything to penalize you for, however I will dock that one mark for the A/N & credits, it looks better if it's after the forward. Other wise well done here :)

Plot: (10/15)

I like the plot I do, very much. But I do think you could have given a little more to it, but I did like it. It could be a real gem if you just fixed your grammar and such, maybe expanded on something's, but really good.

Originality: (8/15)

I got to give it to you, you don't press random on AFF and come across just any story were the main character is God looking for a personal assistant and falling in love. But at the same time there was something about it that wasn't that unique either...I'm not sure what it was exactly but it didn't come across as anything that incredible, but still interesting idea though.

Grammar & Spelling: (10/20)

Gosh...where do I begin?

It's not totally noticeable at the beginning but your grammar is way off, you get your point across but as the story or on shot in this case goes on, it get worse and worse. You miss simple words like "his", "a" and "the" continuously throughout and it actually gave me a headache. Also there were moments where you could have used a more juicy and less plain word for something to give more life and depth to your writing. But you didn't.

I actually wasn't able to finish reading the whole thing do to your grammar, but for your spelling I didn't see anything per say but your grammar is something you need to watch for, I suggest getting a beta reader to go over it and future stories and on shots for you. I really hope this doesn't offend you, I really just want to help you and bring these kinds of things to light, I suspect that's why you requested for a review.

Flow: (9/10)

Anyways, onto flow.

Um...not to bad honestly, but I did dock some points do to the fact his secretary only had four hours to find him a new personal assistant, I understand it could be because Jaejoong only has four days before he kills himself but isn't it more realistic for him to give her a day and then the next he walks into his office and finds Yunho there? No one could find a good personal assistant in four hours, even if they are friends. I also believe it would be a little more intense to have them fall in love and all that in only three days, because well ya. Not bad though so I still have you a high score.

Characterization: (5/10)

I don't know how to put it but I didn't feel anything from them.

I wanted to feel how Jaejoong felt about immortality, I wanted to feel his anger and stress. I wanted - no - needed to understand the feeling he had when Yunho stepped into the room, I needed to understand the unsettling feeling he had.

I wanted to stand in Yunho's shoes and seance his nervousness and Jaejoongs gaze.

But all I had was just that... Want.

I wasn't given.

But if you want to show the change your characters have you need to allow the reader to feel the feelings your characters do, allow them themselves to experience those feeling as if they were their own.

Understand? I hope so.

That's about it. Keep writing and keep practising. I hope to read another one of your one shots or stories one day. The key my friend is reading. Read an learn.

Overall Enjoyment: (4/10)

Gosh, I really didn't want to give you that score but I really didn't have a choice. I did enjoy it as much as I hoped I would and that you should take with way more then a grain of salt. You need to give the reader an experience they will remember when ever they read your work. So keep what I said in this review in mind and keep writing. Keep writing and keep trying, that's all you need to do.

60/100

Reviewed by: 12EXOEXO