The Last Breath
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»The Last Breath Review«
Title (2/5)
it is hard for me to rate the suitability of this title because I am clueless to what this story is about. This is a fitting title if Sehun says something to change Nara's life forever with his last dying breath. It is an interesting title nonetheless so credit given.
Foreward/Description (7/10)
It's captivating so I give you credit here. However I am once again unable to comment on how it compliments the actual full story.
Appearance (5/5)
It's beautiful and fitting. The characters are portrayed well down to their physical appearance and facial expressions. Romantic background and good choice of colours.
Plot (6/15)
I really cannot determine the potential of this plot. After having read the first 5 chapters, I am still clueless as to what to expect for the rest of the story or even guess the development. So far the character of Nara as a total prude and has been established and it makes the readers hate her more having written this from her obnoxious point of view. Which also brings me to how Sehun would feel any sense of attraction towards her especially with the introduction of his girlfriend. He seems to be treating her well so far and yet I cannot understand why.
Originality (8/15)
I will give you a passing mark here because it doesnt come off too cliche for an exo based story so far but once again hard to determine at current stage.
Grammer & Spelling (8/20)
Grammer and spelling aside, you really need to improve on your language. You tend to go into a narration form of story-writing so it does go into descriptions and it doesn't help that your language is hard to comprehend. Bad phrasing, spelling and tense errors still make a reading understandable but I've also picked out words which you seem to have misused which affects the meaning of your story altogether.
Examples:
But, my partner keep repeated his mistakes
But my partner kept repeating his mistakes
I let out a heavy sigh and throw a death glare at my partner.
I let out a heavy sigh and threw a death glare at my partner.
I became an outcast for 3 years, and it was .
I was an outcast for three years and it .
“Do you have any rubber? I need to tie my hair.”
"Do you have a rubber band? I need to tie my hair up" (rubber is another slang for by the way)
Metaphor:
A metaphor is a figure of speech that describes a subject by asserting that it is, on some point of comparison, the same as another otherwise unrelated object. Metaphor is a type of analogy and is closely related to other rhetorical figures of speechthat achieve their effects via association, comparison or resemblance including allegory, hyperbole, and simile.
Bulimia:
Bulimia nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by binge eating and purging, or consuming a large amount of food in a short amount of time followed by an attempt to rid oneself of the food consumed (purging), typically by vomiting, taking a laxative, diuretic, or stimulant, and/or excessive exercise, because of an extensive concern for body weight
I would suggest getting someone whom you can share your story with and help with your English. If this continues any good ideas that you may have would be stifled.
Flow (5/10)
Low points mostly due to your language.Also it is rather draggy. 5 chapters in and I still don't see the action.
Characterization (8/10)
I'll give you credit here because if you want readers to hate Nara, you have managed to do it.
Overall Enjoyment (3/10)
I'm sorry but it was very hard to grasp the content. All the best in future chapters!
Reviewed by: eunhyuksgal
52/100!
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