Broken Dream
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»Broken DreamReview«
Title (2/5)
This is a rather deep story so when I see broken dream I am trying to find the hidden meaning behind how Lay broke her dream; which I assumed was to become a singer in this story. I see how he has broken her but not how the dream was broken. (I am being a bit critical here)
Foreward/Description (7/10)
I liked how you left a lot of room for thoughts to captivate readers to read on but "I trusted you" and "you broke it" doesn't seem too related; Lay broke her trust? Does that even make sense? I would have liked something along the lines of "I shared my dream with you" and "you broke it" - related to the title as well if you wanted to go down that path.
Appearance (4/5)
I loved the poster. The feel is simply appropriate. But your spacing within the sentence is bad; there is a space before each punctuation. Also I did not like how you centered the words making it appear very small.
Plot (10/15)
I really want to give you a high score here based on a potentially deep and meaningful storyline. I think has a lot of originality, maturity and depth. However, penalization due to the fact that it wasn't brought across in the best possible way unfortunately due to your lack in the writing aspect. Also content could be given further thought and planning.
- Aeri is a Taekwondo black belt and yet she did not attack a "stranger" who ruined her suicide plans and touched her inappropriately; hugging.
- We never find out why Lay left. Honestly, him leaving the first time already felt almost like the gist of the story but he leaves unknowingly again a second time.
- I thought you should have stuck with one; it does make Lay out to be a rather bad and unreliable guy
- Aeri as a girl who suffers from depression and does not easily trust people; add to that you mentioned her ability to read people. Yet she could not see it coming; Lay leaving her for the second time
- Lay's sudden change of personality and attitude is also questionable
- I did like how you used Lay because he has a sweet nature that draws someone in; making someone trust him
Lastly, like I mentioned; there was strong relation to her wanting to become a singer as her "dream" and since he broke it; emphasize on it towards the end. Eg did him leaving make her give up her dream? It made her give up her life so it becomes "broken heart" or "broken person"
Originality (15/15)
I'll give you full marks here. Definitely a unique story particularly in the EXO fanfiction world.
Language (15/20)
Tenses, grammar, spelling and mostly the phrasing. You use short sentences, lack of description especially in the emotional development aspect.
Flow (7/10)
I did not like how the opening was well built-up but the timeframe after Lay came into the picture progressed too quickly and was rather short. More time could have been spent in showing how Lay earned her trust.
Characterization (7/10)
Why did you have to alternate between "Lay" and "Yixing"? If it has no meaning, keep to a single name.
So much room for character development for Aeri which I felt was lacking. Play on her emotions, you want your readers to feel sorry for her and hopefully shed some tears.
Overall Enjoyment (8/10)
It was a nice read definitely. Meaningful stories are nice. But do work on your writing skills. Hwaiting!
Reviewed by: eunhyuksgal
75/100!
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