Give Your Heart a Break

Forbidden Dreamers Review Gallery

»Give Your Heart a BreakReview«

Story

 

Title (3/5)

You're an amazing writer so honestly I would have preferred a title which suited story more; its more of the opening of heart or breaking down of barriers around the heart (referring to Hyukjae of course)
 
Foreward/Description (9/10)
 
I really like it; short and simple once again but with a strong impact. Though one slight comment; is it a "he has to prove him wrong" or "he wants to prove him wrong"? Food for thought.
 
Appearance (0/5)
 
You do not have any posters so I think it's only fair you do not score in this segment.
 
Plot (14/15)
 
First I love this story, I think its sweet and touching and I couldn't have asked for a more perfect ending. The start was brilliant. I got hooked almost instantly.
 
Just a couple of pointers:
-I didn't get the feeling that Donghae was genuinely in love/have feelings for Hyukjae within the first chapter. It could be deemed as Donghae just being a determined person to accomplish what he wants; to offer Hyukjae the feeling being loved without himself being in it
-Which brings me to the second comment on bringing in Donghae's background and what he really feels (introduce snippets of it in the first chapter in between their "chat sessions"
-I don't quite catch the meaming behind Kyuhyun as the messenger as well; it feels nice if Donghae himself delivered the gifts. It could be so for many reasons, Donghae is shy, Donghae wants to make Hyukjae yearn for him etc but this wasn't brought out on the day they met
-Choosing Vday; a significant day for love as first date; you failed to bring out the meaning of it. Maybe make Hyukjae look at the couples around him and feel lonely, or make Donghae explain Vday to him, or Donghae using the atmosphere of Vday etc...
 
 
Originality (14/15)
 
Fresh idea with a tinge of deeper meaning embedded within. Well done.
 
Grammer & Spelling (20/20)
 
Nothing to penalize here.
 
Flow (7/10)
 
As mentioned above, a lead up into chapter 2's emotional and relationship development would be nice.

Also, the numbering makes it feel like you could have broken them up into individual chapters. Personally for Chapter 1; I felt that I and II could have been put into another prologue or acted as an opening chapter. 

If you intentionally wanted to make it "short" by forcing it into 2 chapters you may remove the numbering and just put a line.
 
Characterization (8/10)
 
Definitely more could have been done for Donghae.
 
Overall Enjoyment (10/10)
 
Capitvated me from the start. Definitely a good recommend.
 
Reviewed by: eunhyuksgal
 
85/100!
 
Like this story? Give it an Upvote!
Thank you!

Comments

You must be logged in to comment
ThanhXuan
#1
Chapter 135: Thanks for the review ♡
Amalya
#2
Chapter 134: Thank you for taking the time to review my story oohkatsoo. I didn't mind the wait and getting the additional perspective was a good thing in the end. ;)
I have been warned about the too many characters too quickly thing in a previous review and have yet to try and fix that, but duly noted again. haha As for the capitalization issue, I think I was going for that fairly bizarre context (in English anyway) where you capitalize some of the terms when they refer to very specific named creatures (Namjoon's father as a Titan (Perses in his back story) versus titans as a race). Likewise for chimaera though that one was never meant to be capitalized. The only one I really had an issue with in writing was actually Cyclops and that was because my spell checker kept saying the lowercase spelling was wrong. >.> lol
I will certainly consider adding more descriptions or definitions for some of the harder to grasp terms, such as what a titan actually is, in the future. I was much better about doing that in my Norse mythology story to be honest. lol I'm pretty sure the time crunch to finish it before the deadline made me sloppy here.
The game they played was meant to sort of parallel a crude cross between more modern day football (in the US) as evidenced by the in-story name, which is a fairly barbaric sport to begin with, and the gladiator events of ancient Greece and Rome, which were very barbaric events in which the competitors often died. As for the sudden appearance of the monster, I'm not sure I can actually fix that one, or if I want to at the moment. I'll think it over and see what comes of it, but either way, I do appreciate the review all the same.
It's especially nice to confirm what I am able to do well in the story just as much as it's good to be aware of what can be smoothed out more. So again, thank you for the review. I hope my comment might be able to help explain things a bit more in turn but I shall credit you and the shop immediately. ^_^
aya-ELF
#3
Chapter 4: Hi!! I have a question, do you guys only do reviews for completed stories??
libianno
#4
Chapter 128: Thank you for the review on Chasing Pavements. I appreciate you straight forward and honest opinions. I will use the pointers you have provided me well :)
funkybastard
#5
Chapter 12: Hii, I just start writing and i really want to improve my skill and i like how blunt and forward this review shop is ^^. How do i request from the shop?
thelittleluhan
#6
Chapter 113: Thank you for the review! I didn't expect what you gave me, I was honestly thinking it would be a lot worse. I'll definitely keep in mind what you said about Title and Appearance. I did feel the same about the title being less focused on the main character when you mentioned it, so that's definitely something I'll work on. I might see if I can change the title to a more fitting one (but I'm soooo bad at titles >_<). Thank you again for taking the time to review my story. You don't know how much it means to me that you at least enjoyed it ^_^
sorindae_
#7
Chapter 110: This review really hurt my feelings. But it's okay. I know of I have to improve my grammar. Thank you for helping review this story.
ZiahZiah
#8
Thank you so much for the review! (honestly, I thought I'd get worse) hahaha I'll change that grammar error soon. I'm so glad you pointed that out. :) by the way, may I ask who my reviewer was? I wanted to credit them in my Foreword! Thank you! :D
-dulcet
#9
Chapter 84: Oh thank you for the review. I'll credit you indeed I'll keep your tips in mind. Thank you :)