---> Ludos 

story link

Title (4/5)

The title was interesting and (thankfully) not as cliché as the other OC fics I’ve encountered in the past. As I read the story, it fits well so far and it’s a good thing that you didn’t make your title ty.

Foreword/Description (8/10)

I’ll give you credit about ‘John Lee thingie’ you mentioned in the foreword (about the three kinds of love). However, I think you shouldn’t have added the last parts about the events that did happen in the story because you gave out precious information that could be used as a small surprise for your readers. Also, there were a few errors in grammar (small ones), but I suggest that you go over them and revise your foreword for future readers who manage to find your story.

 

Appearance (4/5)

The whole story was neat, but the man carrying another person in your poster is kind of…weird? Also, you could have traded Kai’s smiling face into a mysterious one? (since he is a playboy in the story)

 

Plot (12/15)

Even though I don’t read OC fics often, I could say that this had a decent plot, decent characters and cheesy moments… But the bad boy/bet concept is slightly overused, even if you added twists like Violet used Kai for revenge.

In the future, I hope this story manages to be more unique?

Originality (12/15)

It’s ‘kind of’ interesting because the characters interact well, but like I said, the concept isn’t that eye catching. And the high school au is very much overused in fan fics, serving as a sort of traditional au for blooming writers.

Grammer & Spelling (15/20)
 

I’m not a grammar nazi, but I couldn’t help noticing your use of the present tense.

Dude, DO can’t always be substituted with DOES. They are two different things. Another is the plural and singular form of verbs.

When using present tense, the s-form is for singular nouns. For example: Violet runs to school with her best friend Kim.

You have to use ‘runs’ because Violet is singular, and you can’t use ‘run’. It’s the same with the other verbs in present tense or the use of verbs like ‘is’ or ‘are’.

If you’re referring to two people: use are. For example: Violet and Kai are heading to Luhan’s apartment.
Do not, I repeat, do not use ‘is’ when you write this kind of sentence. Violet and Kai are two people, and thus, you need to use ‘are’.

I’ve noticed recurring grammar mistakes regarding your present tense and some inappropriate adjectives here and there (very few). I advise that you double check or triple check your chapter before posting it, or you should get a beta-reader to correct your mistakes so the sentences will not sound awkward. If possible, reread a sentence just to make sure it sounds right. Be constant. Use present tense throughout the story and change it if it's absolutely necessary.
 

Flow (7/10)

To be honest, the flow was moderate, and I’m glad you’re not rushing all of it. However, I dislike your constant change of POVs (point of View).

When writing a chapter, do not get fond of writing a few paragraphs regarding Violet’s POV before switching to Kai’s or the author’s POV.

It does not look good and it is very confusing.

If you do want to change POVs, limit it to two parts. For example, Violet speaks about her experience about Kai for the whole day or during a certain period of time. When she is done with her part, that’s the time to change it to Kai’s POV. I repeat, do not write one scene with V’s POV before switching it to Kai’s.

And when changing POVs, there’s no need to label it as Kai or Violet or maybe Ludos. There are other ways to emphasize it.

Characterization (8/10)

Characterization is quite good, but I am still wondering about Kai and V’s pasts and backgrounds. You’ve focused on V’s parents, but you never gave Kai’s parents a short scene or a short chapter. I know that OCs are unknown to the readers, but the idol should be prioritized as well.

Overall Enjoyment (8/10)

I’m giving you an eight because of the multiple pauses I had to make because of the grammar stuff. I hope you keep rechecking your work in order to improve your grammar. It’s better to update every other day without any grammatical errors, instead of updating less than twenty four hours with lots of it.

And since you’re planning to advertise your fic, you should fix it all up before trying to join the bid. Believe me, bidding is quite a chore. I’ve learned that after jumping into the chaos of the advertisement calendar. Hire a co-author/ beta-reader/reread before you make such plans.

Have a good day and thank you for requesting. May this review encourage you to write more in order to improve.^^

Reviewed by: Madchen

78/100