Noona, Will You Accept My Our Heart?
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»Noona, Will You Accept My Our Heart? Review«
Title (1/5)
This title would make sense if they were fighting with each other to win Yuri's heart but so far it seems she is here with a mission and the boys are simply ing on her.
Foreward/Description (7/10)
I give you credit here cause it sounds rather appealing and has a lot of potential; ie dealing with changing someone's life. (unfortunately the story so far gives little of that)
Appearance (4/5)
It's flashy and cute just like how the story is. But too much of it within the chapters make it rather headache-inducing.
Plot (6/15)
I have to fail you here because I really cannot see the plot. Its merely a cute narration of Yuri and life with the 12 EXO boys. As per mentioned above, I am still unable to figure out the real reason Yuri came back, her main mission and I am barely witnessing and transformation or emotional development between the characters. Here are a couple of feedback I have:
Chapter 6: I thought they cleaned their house? What happened in like 2 days at most from Chapter 2?
You mentioned that they know Yuri has become a famous model, following the headlines etc. But they couldn't recognize her when she arrived?
I liked the cute insertions you had, my favourite is the one below where you had a good play with mouthing similar words:
“Noona don’t go in!” Chen warned her. “Why?” Yuri asked innocently. “Uhh b-because…” Chen tilted his head and looked at Suho who’s mouthing ‘oven isn’t working’. Chen’s eyebrows furrowed before turning her gaze to Yuri “Olaf is twerking!” He blurted out. Suho face palmed himself upon realizing how stupid Chen is.
There is barely any storyline I can base my judgement on and a lot of the scenes you introduced had no meaning or impact and they were schemed across very quickly with a lack of conclusion ie Yuri pranking them, seducing them etc.
Originality (7/15)
EXO as a bunch of playful boys are just too common.
Grammer & Spelling (8/20)
You tend to have a narrative type of writing and if your readers enjoy it I guess it's fine because it is fun and playful. But since you requested for a review here are some pointers towards what I reckon would make your writing much better; by professional standards.
1. You tend to write as though you are speaking, which I think you really are. This creates a lot of the following errors and it is not a proper writing format at the end of the day.
2. You may sometimes want to substitute words in speech but this is not acceptable in writing.
clueless of who the fork is the random girl he’d let in.
(who the ?)
3. Errors in phrasing, tenses and grammer.
If not, they would go to the bar to flirt and bang girls out.
Otherwise, they would head to the bar to do some flirting and bang some girls.
The lady barged in the living room, but immediately covered her nose due to the awful smell of the dorm.
The lady barged into the living room, immediately covering her nose due to the awful stench.
4. Paragraphing
“Who the is that?” Chanyeol groaned as he kicks the table, causing the bottle of beer to fall on the ground and shatter into pieces. “Open the god damn gate, hyung.” Sehun, referring to no one, commanded.
“Who the is that?” Chanyeol groaned as he kicked the table, causing the bottle of beer to fall on the ground and shattering into pieces.
“Open the god damn gate, hyung,” Sehun commanded to no one in particular.
5. You randomly insert things that seem like author's thoughts or Yuri's thoughts which disrupts the flow of the story especially when you are writing in a third pov
Headline: Kim Jongin, also known as Kai, kissed her noona on the lips. I repeat, ON THE LIPS.
Next Target: BaekYeol. LOCKED.
6. Using korean words. Not everyone knows the meaning of words like this:
We miss the Kkabyul who always scream around like a mad woman, who steals my food,
7. Spelling errors
Warning: Byuntae Allert!
Alert
Take it with a pinch of salt, I hope they are helpful. On a brighter note, it is not unreadable/not understandable.
Flow (8/10)
For a series of random events they do not conflict so I will not penalize you here.
Characterization (7/10)
Points given because you portrayed them as per the actual idols which appeals to fans of them. But once again a few pointers:
Yuri and the EXO boys seem to have a very small especially between the oldest and her; 21 and 22. Why did you refer to them as "boys" and yet Yuri as a "lady" it feels that she is very much older than them.
I also can't quite catch Yuri's character because she is strict one moment and then the next she is doing something childish by messing up their chores. She acts shy and then suddenly tries to seduce them. Also she is a model, wearing revealing clothes and having men stare isn't suppose to be something new?
Overall Enjoyment (5/10)
It got to me because there was no substantial plot. I am giving you 5 because I think it's a story fans of Yuri and EXO will enjoy reading ;-)
Reviewed by: eunhyuksgal
53/100!
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