»Dondodon Review «

Title 2/5

Your title... it isn’t much of an eye catcher. Is there a meaning to the words Dondodon? Are you trying to make the sounds? You know the DON DON DUNNNNNN? I really couldn’t understand the title or how it went with the story. Besides Tao trying to seduce Yifan, it was also about the kid wanting a father. I believe you could have done better with the title. For example maybe, “Nephew: The er” or maybe “My little er”

You said you took the title off of a song, I have never heard of this song…so I don’t know what to say.

Foreward/Description 2/10

You were quite blunt with your description which made you lose many points. I as a writer, believe that descriptions are the key to attract people to your story. Though I’m not a great writer, I’ve learned from many others, that your description is the key central to attract readers. The fact that you just say “Tao has a big giant crush on Yifan and Sehun is a big giant er. That's pretty much it. Oh, and Tao hates it when people call him Taozi.” Was not enough to really want me to stay and read your fic.  

What I’m trying to say here is add some spice into your description.

Tao has a big giant crush on Yifan and Sehun is a big giant er. That's pretty much it. Oh, and Tao hates it when people call him Taozi. (Original)

Tao has a major crush for a handsome man name Yifan.

Who is Yifan?

That is Sehun’s teacher.

What’s the problem you ask?

Sehun has other plans for his attractive teacher.

And you will soon discover that as you follow this silly little story. (New)

This can be an example of an alternative that you could have done in your description. It gives off a sense of mystery and will have the readers wondering and may stay a while to solve it.

Appearance 0/5

There isn’t any poster so I can’t say anything here, but I do advise you to get one.

Plot 10/15

It’s cute I have to five ya credit for that. It was quite adorable to watch Sehun be a little rascal

Originality 10/15

I haven’t stumbled upon a story like this and the ending was nice so…good job here.

Language 5/20

I’m not going to lie, you have a lot of grammar mistakes. Yes I do understand that English is not your native language, I can’t really excuse you for that. I too am not a native English speaker, I believe you can ask for some help from others. Or if you are able to, read online about proper grammar. I will show you the mistakes, though I cannot show all, I’ll name the few.

"Uh uh, I'm going to call Auntie and tell him you've been a bad boy!"

Here it wasn’t grammar but gender. ‘Him’ should be a ‘Her’.

. Liyin peered from her room, taking her phone out, tapping Zitao's mom's numbers slowly to made her point.

Its make her point not made her point, it doesn’t fit your sentence correctly, you were already using the past tense when she was doing the action at the very moment. The sentence would go like this “Liyin peered from her room, taking her phone out, tapping at Tao’s number, slowly to make her point”. It could also go like this, “Liyin, peering from the room…slowly takes her phone out as she taps the number of Tao’s mother.”

“Can I help you?” the stranger whom a bit taller than Zitao asked. Zitao gulped. This man need to tuned out his attractiveness a bit so his poor heart can take it, he thought.

The last sentence, ‘tuned’ isn’t the correct. It’s ‘turn down’… though I’m unsure if you can actually turn down someone’s looks, I get what you’re saying but I think you should reword that. For example it can go something like, “This gorgeous young man, simply needs to change his appearance before Tao’s poor heart can no longer withstand his looks.”

There are plenty more but these are the few here.

Flow 8/10

Your flow is good, I don’t have much to say in this area.

Characterization 10/10

I love the characters. Over time everyrhing turned out well for everyone. That also includes the fact that everyone was able to develop in the end. Tao being able to understand his nephew more and Sehun being a cute little bratty kid.

Enjoyment 5/10

I honestly had troubles reading your story because of the grammars. If there wasn’t a lot of it, I would have enjoyed it. I believe if you can learn the different tenses (so that it can be easier for you), then you will be able to attract many others. I hope that this did not disappoint you.

52/100

Reviewed by: Abie529