Me, Myself ,and You
Forbidden Dreamers Review Gallery
»Me, Myself ,and You Review«
Title (3/5)
It's a cute title and I guess it fits the story judging by the poster as well.
Foreward/Description (7/10)
Simple and to the point but I feel that it does not captivate your readers enough.
Appearance (5/5)
It is a very cute poster that sets the mood right. The animation gets a plus point.
Plot (10/15)
Overall, this story has a potentially good storyline but was very abruptly written. The story is moving at too fast a pace and the format in which it has been written is confusing. Some content remarks:
-In chapter 2, you classified Jinn as "someone Kai liked" but there was no mention of it in the previous chapters.
-Chapter 3 was kind of abrupt. I thought it was Kai's birthday and when Baekyun met Jinn all was forgotten?
Basically, you made everything happen too fast Jin's hidden identity was discovered way to early into the story, giving no room for development of her dual personality. Kai's infatuation with her was not built up; it could potentially have been a sweet relationship, falling in love with both sides of Jin. Also, there were too many characters being introduced at one shot it was hard to keep up.
Originality (11/15)
Settings like this are far too common in the EXO fanfic world but credits to the dual persona.
Language (10/20)
The writing was messy and disruptive to the general flow. Few pointers:
1) Don't use words in another language without explaining them. Especially when they add no value; just don't use them.
Annyeong~ Kim Minseok imida
baozi-like charm
2) Phrasing
I have to admit, I was always like this since I could remember.
I have to admit; I've been like this for as long as I could remember.
3) Error in usage of words itself; meaning of story affected
There were still two people not absent.
There were still two absentees/There were still two people not present.
4) Tense
What a sight. I think I laughed so hard that my stomach aches so much.
What a sight; I laughed so hard my stomach ached so badly.
Flow (4/10)
I will penalize you here for the non-smooth read.
Like I mentioned above, the story is moving way too fast.
Don't change so many POV's within a chapter, it gets confusing. Also you might want to do POVs only in your main characters.
Since you are writing in X's POV, there is no need to colour and italicize their thoughts; you have already stated you are narrating in their perspective? Ie their senses and thoughts?
Instead of changing font properties just add an - "I think you're pretty," Kai said.
Lastly, take note of your paragrahing as well.
Characterization (4/10)
Too little of it, especially of your main character; why does she have a dual personality? Is Jinn a cover she uses as a form of comfort from the treatment she receives in school? How does the nerd in school feel being ignored; the pain and loneliness? How does the introduction of Baekyun in her life transform her? Is she coming out of her shell? ....So much room for development.
You kept switching between "Jin" and "Jinn" which is kind of confusing. Also Baekhyun and Baekyeon is too similar it confuses me to who's POV it is.
Kai...he is apparently infatuated with the blogger but unlike the siblings who could tell who she was immediately, he couldn't?
Overall Enjoyment (4/10)
It was cute definitely but lots of room for improvement. Hwaiting!
Reviewed by: eunhyuksgal
58/100!
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