Even Brighter Than The Moon
Forbidden Dreamers Review Gallery
»Even Brighter Than The Moon Review«
Title (2/5)
I can't give you points here because up to current point I am unable to draw any link.
Foreward/Description (2/10)
There was simply too much going on; it was messy and confusing and it made no sense at all. Think about what a description and foreword should mean and contain; basically they should only be as long as one of your paragraphs and not all six of it in random order.
Appearance (2/5)
Bummer that there's a lack of poster. Also, instead of using italics and bold, perhaps use paragraphing for certain speech parts. Another thing is to watch you tabbing/spacing in each paragraph.
Plot (9/15)
I am giving you a passing score based on what could potentially have been a great story. You need to put in more thoughts into story development to bring your point across. I will address some issues here and the rest in the "character" segment.
- In chapter 1 I had no idea what Baekhyun was doing; it felt as though he was performing in front of screaming crowd and Hyejin tried to catch his attention
- In chapter 3, Baekhyun violated her in the middle of the library; where it is somewhere quiet and there are people around?
- Relationship between Hyejin and Kyungsoo is so vague. It is still unclear if they know each other off and online as who they are. The reason why Kyungsoo calls her "G" was also not explained.
Stuck in a relationship with a bad boyfriend and having a crush who is always there for you. Making a decision; you have to make it a tough decision for her. Why in the world does she stick with Baekhyun? Why doesn't she just get with Kyungsoo. Address these issues; good luck for following chapters ;-)
Originality (10/15)
I can't score you high here because highschool based EXO fics on AFF are of abundance. Credits given to twisted relationships depicted.
Language (5/20)
This is what is bringing your whole story plot down. Watch your tenses, phrasing, grammer and overall expression. I understand that English may not be your first language but maybe you can get a beta reader or simply read more to improve.
Flow (3/10)
The jumping of timeline is confusing and so far in the three chapters it has rendered itself insignificant. What effect does her parents have on her now in the future; I understand that's where Baekhyun comes in but it wasn't stated explicitly.
In the third chapter with Hyejin's POV, you didn't state the timeframe.
When you're playing around with timeframes you need to make sure the past and future are interlinked or perhaps run them in parallel.
Characterization (5/10)
As mentioned earlier, relationship between Kyungsoo and Hyejin are unclear. All other relationships are also still underdeveloped.
Note that Baekhyun as a potentially abusive boyfriend will have traumatic effects on Hyejin. Watch how you portray her emotions and mental states.
Overall Enjoyment (3/10)
A potentially good storyline, work needed in writing it out.
Reviewed by: eunhyuksgal
41/100!
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