Differences Between Us
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»Differences Between UsReview«
Title (4/5)
I do like it because it carries with it a deep meaning. In relation to the story, it does link to the gist of it; ironing out their difference though no explicitly.
Foreward/Description (6/10)
The description was well done but I did not like the quoted parts; their dialogue.
Appearance (2/5)
Too much unnecessary pictures within each chapter! It almost feels as though you are writing a comic and not a story. Also your font changes colour and is of a small size; making it hard to read. I give you credit for a pretty poster.
Plot (8/15)
I am giving you a passing score because I am able to see the potential behind the storyline. Lay and Krystal meet, decide to fall in love and live together but faces challenges along the way. You are to see us through this development and progression in a smooth manner but you have failed to do so. The chapters and scenarios are abrupt and you have done little development in terms of story and characters. Content errors are also present which brings your plot down. Let me list down what questions your readers may have:
- Lay isn't Korean
- Everything happened too fast. How did Lay and Krystal even decide to move in together? I saw no incentive in doing so. They seemed neither in love nor was it of positive impact to their personal lives ie bank account
- Dara and Kris kept flickering between ok and not ok I couldnt quite grasp what was doing on between the couple
- I didn't even realise that Dara was pregnant until the hospital scene at the end
- Krystal's pregnancy was also very sped up, all of a sudden she was eight months in.
- Why is is assumed that Kyungsoo and Tiffany were getting married? Who are they? How can you state Kyungsoo's wedding and have the conclusion that Tiffany is getting married.
The icy look in Krystal's face disappear and change into smile "Kyungsoo's wedding. I need to buy a dress."
"Tiffany's... getting married?" ask Luhan slowly
- Who is Bora and who is Sulli? Are they the same person? Who is Luhan marrying?
"Somebody wanted to meet you." said Luhan and he ask one girl to come in, turns out that was Bora, Luhan's fiance
"Sulli, meet Krystal. Krystal, this is Bora."
Sulli was so happy she finally meet Krystal, she greet her with a warm hug "I'd heard so much about you, I just had to meet you." and all of them come in to the living room when suddenly the phone ringing again
- Krystal and Yoona look alike, why did you not use that to your advantage?
Basically, good story but failure in expressing it makes you lose your readers.
Originality (13/15)
I give you credit here, I like the incorporation of matured themes into an exo based story.
Language (5/20)
Generally a lot of mistakes; spelling, grammer, punctuation, usage of korean words and phrasing. Listed examples:
gorgeous as Krystal
as gorgeous as a crystal
Ten minutes has passed, but the "Lay" hasn't come yet.
Ten minutes passed but Lay still hadn't arrived.
Kryztal!
Krystal and Kryztal are phonetically the same.
"I'm fine. I....I don't like blood." replied Lay still hold her nose
"I'm fine. I...I just...don't like blood," replied Lay; still holding onto his/her nose. (I couldn't even picture what was he doing)
"Long live Xi ttaekbokki!"
What is ttaekbokki?
When Koni sees Lay, suddenly he grab his hand and drag him outside
When Koni saw Lay, he immediately grabbed his hand and dragged him outside.
"By calling me Zhang Yixing for a star."
By calling me Zhang Yixing for a start.
Flow (3/10)
It was generally very abrupt and lack of smooth development and progression. It wasn't evident at all that they had fallen in love
pregnancy signs were not visible. Also changing POVs in the middle of the chapter makes it very confusing. The pictures in between does not help at all.
Characterization (4/10)
You did not shape the characters well, so when certain events happened, it seemed rather unexpected or out-of-character. You also need to get your facts right when you are using idols.
Lay: He is NOT Korean. Zhang Yixing is obviously not a korean name as well. You made him out to be a sweet prince charming who swept Krystal off her feet but then later is revealed to be anti-marriage and heartlessly asks for an abortion.
Krystal: She seems like an obnoxious person but suddenly falls deeply in love with a guy who doesn't treat her right. How she manages being a DJ and medical student is beyond me.
Apart from that, the general relationship (all forms) and character development (all of them) are inadequate.
Overall Enjoyment (3/10)
Overall hard to read, I found myself getting bored halfway but I did manage to pick up the comedy effect towards the end. Once again, a lot of potential so good luck ;-) Hope you find the critical feedback helpful towards your writing.
Reviewed by: eunhyuksgal
48/100!
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