Review: The Demonic Few

Title (4/5)
Your title was good. It made me a bit curious about the content of your fanfic, and I must say it was a smart decision of yours. However, the attraction to your title would also depend on the types of readers you would be aiming for. Some might not find this title appealing, but others would click on the link and give your story a chance.
 

Foreword/Description (9/10)
Like your title, the foreword was interesting, but I think the mention of the ‘spite’ thing gave away some details of your story. You could have tried masking the ‘spite’ using another term or another sentence that could also convey the same meaning. Actually, the dystopian concept you chose reminded me a little of hunger games (the capitol and the peacekeepers).

Appearance (4/5)
The ‘sentence’ in the poster made me confused. Did you purposely make it that way or did something wrong happen? No matter how many times I read it, ‘I see fire blood in the breeze we got too close to the flames’ did not make sense in some angles. I assumed there was some kind of punctuation problem going on…? Also, the girl wearing sunglasses…expressed a different kind of emotion compared to Chanyeol, Kyungsoo and Kai.

Plot (13/15)
I based this on your foreword because two chapters wouldn’t give me the needed info I was looking for. Yes, dystopian au was intriguing, especially the concept of the ‘oversee’. To tell you the truth, I haven’t read many fics that involve dystopia, so I couldn’t assume anything about plot originality or anything related to that. The good thing about dystopian au was freedom. You could make a new concept that could be very, very twisted, or maybe something with a supernatural feel. Yours was more on control, government control to be exact (If I’m not mistaken). Judging from the short snippets about the oversee, I assumed they were a group of people who manipulated the whole society depending on their own preference (since that’s the partial meaning of the word itself). This kind of ruling could be associated with monarchy or maybe dictatorship, leaning on the side of the concept of dictatorship. And I guessed the spite thing was another concept you would incorporate in the future chapter.

Good, so far.

Originality (13/15)
Like I mentioned earlier, the plot was still unclear, so I wouldn’t be able to pinpoint any flaws regarding originality and the possible stereotypes that ‘might’ come up in the future. But if I judged based on the current chaps, I could consider this as ‘quite uncommon’.

Grammer & Spelling (18/20)
Since you have a beta-reader (but you stated that the chap was unbeta-ed), I expected the chapters to be flawless. And because you wrote about 2000+ or less than 2000 words, it’s not that hard to recheck it up to three times.

However, I noticed some mistakes here and there.

One of them was in the second paragraph of the first chapter:

But one child was oblivious of the chaos that surrounded him, and zipped through the rallied up crowds and played with his paper airplane as if he were in his own world.

This sounded odd, weird to be exact. If I would revise it, I’d type:

However, one child was oblivious of the chaos surrounding him, choosing to zip through the crowds and play with his paper airplane as if he was in his own little world.

As you can see, I changed it up a bit. Using ‘but’ as a sentence starter is not advisable. It depends on the type of sentence or story you will write. ‘But’ is usually used to enhance the dramatic effect, yet it is not properly used in this sentence.

Next is tenses.

Note: Choose which type of tense you will use throughout your story. Since you have started it with past tense, end it with past. Do not, I repeat, do not slip in a couple of words in the present tense because it will cause some confusion on the reader’s part. Luckily, your mistakes on tenses are not that big. Try rereading the whole fic and take note of the verbs that are different from the rest.

Flow (7/10)
The flow was jumpy.

I encountered many authors changing POVs or scenes in a single chapter, but they were connected somehow. Yours was a bit rough on one side because of the Kyungsoo and Kai chapter. Chanyeol’s was okay, but Kyungsoo’s made me confused.

At first, I thought you had some kind of plan to mention their pasts before jumping to their present feelings. Sure, Kai was involved in Kyungsoo’s life, but it would be better to center the whole ‘short’ chapter on Kyungsoo’s thoughts instead. I hope you’d consider this suggestion for your future chapters.
 

Characterization (8/10)
So far, the characters were underdeveloped. I wouldn’t be surprised because only two chapters were posted.
 

Overall Enjoyment (8/10)
My favorite word to describe your fic is ‘interesting’. Update the story so your readers will be able to relate to the main character’s situation (If they can). Also, be careful with sentence construction. Keep it up!

Reviewed by: Madchen.

Total: 84/100