Jealousy's A
Forbidden Dreamers Review Gallery
»Jealousy's A Review«
Title (3/5)
Is it really a ? Sounds like they are having fun and the couple seems to indulge in some warped fantasy so its an ok title but it could be better. It did revolve around jealousy so credits there.
Foreward/Description (5/10)
I am having troubles deciding if it is good or bad that I was shocked it turned out to be a as opposed to just some jealousy lover make-up story as the description hinted.
Considering that this story focused on the hot , I would have preferred a cheeky description dropping a hint.
Appearance (2/5)
Formatting is fine, won't give you points otherwise reserved for a poster.
Plot (8/15)
I believe this isn't one of those extreme "PWP: Plot what plot" stories so the score is as such for the potential I see behind this story.
A couple who indulges in using the other members for some mind-blowing abnormal ual behaviours; why and how did they become like this? It also seems you are using Super Junior as a reality-based character and it's pretty hard to see ZhouMi bordering into Kyuhyun's sick nature. There are quite a few things in the story which was confusing.
Who came up with the idea? How did Heechul end up there? How was the whole session a punishment? Was it the humiliation on camera?
In the middle of the session, you hinted that Heechul had something up his sleeves but nothing happened after that.
A suggested improvement is to state there were three males from the very start. I was confused as to who was in the room even.
I will admit the action was rather hot.
Originality (12/15)
Will give you credit here, it is quite interesting.
Language (12/20)
I need to penalize you here because your writing is very hard to understand and it's a pity because you are writing a potential hot story and at some points I couldnt even picture the positions of each of them which is bad.
Also you have three characters you need to be clear and aware of who is doing what at each point in time. Ie you forgot about Heechul whilst Kyuhyun was indulging in ZhouMi etc.
Biggest points deducted for the phrasing and overall style of writing; more descriptive and illustrative words needed.
Spelling errors are spotted throughout as well:
but the wine that left his throat (whine)
pants where still quite painful due to his hard on (were) - pants were painful?
Flow (6/10)
Apart from the hard to understand storyline, it was too fast paced as well. Basically it ended too soon, Heechu barely had anything to do; did he even ?
Characterization (6/10)
As mentioned above, a lot of room for character development for the couple and the questions as listed above.
Overall Enjoyment (8/10)
It took me by surprise and it was a hot concept. I enjoyed it. =]
Reviewed by: eunhyuksgal
62/100!
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