"The Words You Used To Say"

”You look beautiful whenever you dance. Everything around you suddenly looks so ethereal.”

That’s what Hongbin used to tell Hakyeon ages ago, when they were still trainees. Those were also the words that’s kept Hakyeon dancing after all these years. When he was younger, he was always passionate about dancing but after training from one agency to the next, he realized that he couldn’t become an idol from dancing alone. So, he decided to audition into Jellyfish only through his singing abilities. Luckily, he made it in and was almost going to debut in a ballad group. He loved dancing but he enjoyed singing just as much. 

“Hyung’s tone is really unique, it’s like mesmerizing or something,” the younger used to say as well. 

While Hakyeon was a trainee, Hongbin was the first person he made friends with. So what if they’re three years apart? It made no difference to Hakyeon, who was older and who was younger. He’s the youngest of his family after all. He still remembers when he first met Hongbin, he thought the younger was going to debut as an actor or something instead of an idol so he was extra surprised when he realized the younger wanted to be like his idol ‘Park Hyoshin’. 

Hongbin is a very nice kid and very bright. He’s always happy about something and only harsh on himself because he knew he still had much to learn about. It’s not like his visuals would get him far after all. So, the both of them trained hard together. Hongbin is very honest and doesn’t really hide much from Hakyeon. He used to tell the older how beautiful his dancing was or how enchanting the older’s tone was as well. He always told Hakyeon that he looked up to him just as he did with his idol. But eventually as they grew older, Hongbin no longer said those things.

There were times when the younger would avert Hakyeon’s gaze or not say a word at all. Whenever Hakyeon asked for Hongbin’s opinion on his performance, the younger would either change the subject or playfully tease the older about his bragging. Hakyeon couldn’t help but feel rather disappointed at Hongbin. When did he grow to become so distant?

Hongbin’s circle of friends eventually grew bigger even to those outside of the company. His love for gaming was also something that Hakyeon couldn’t relate to. The older always wanted to be able to talk to Hongbin about his likes or dislikes, what’s changed et cetera but Hongbin would simply say, 

“You wouldn’t know even if I tell you.”

Is this how it feels to have a rebellious child after they reach a certain age? Bit by bit, Hakyeon felt as his he was losing his grasp on the younger. Even though they’re in the same group, the younger felt so distant. 

Hakyeon’s patience was wearing thin. He was beginning to lose his control over the fact that Hongbin was out of his reach and he was growing more and more pessimistic by the moment. So, he decided to throw a strange question at the younger out of the blue, 

“If one day I were to make a stupid decision or a decision that might be wrong, what would you do?”

Hongbin froze. He went silent to be exact because he didn’t know where the sudden question came from or why the older was suddenly asking him something so seriously. Was it a joke? 

Hakyeon didn’t bother the younger for an answer and deep down, he wasn’t expecting much either. Their distance was growing and he felt it. 

“Hyung! Are you not going to eat with us?” Jaehwan offered as he was getting dressed to go out with the other members like the usual. 

“I’m tired, you guys can go,” Hakyeon replied.

It was hard not for Hakyeon to admit that he was getting older after all. His body felt stiff and not as flexible as it used to be and he would become very sleepy even after a few hours of work. The hectic schedule didn’t help either and he had to catch all the sleep he could while he can. Plus, whenever the younger went out for dinner, they would always choose restaurants that he didn’t really like. It’s not like he didn’t want to go out with them but it’s more so that they were almost too insensitive when it comes to Hakyeon. They often about the foods he can’t eat or the fact that he stays at home too much. 

Even though they were true, he wished that they would be more considerate about him especially since he’s technically the oldest of the group. Along the way, somewhere in between, the members started to drop formality even Hyuk who was five years younger. 

Though Hakyeon didn’t mind it as much, and that it indicated how close he was to s, he wished that they would remember that he wanted at least some respect in the group. Aside from dance practices, Hakyeon doesn’t even nag them anymore. He’s been as considerate as he could with everyone and he just wish that they could do the same for him.

Was it too much to ask for? 

Knock. Knock.

Someone was outside of his bedroom doors. 

“Who?” Hakyeon asked.

”It’s me,” from Hongbin. “Can I come in?”

”Uh sure,” Hakyeon was both surprised and confused as to why the younger was still in the dorms.”Didn’t you go eat with the others?”

”Yeah, I ate a bit and came back. I brought you some food,” Hongbin said.

”For me?”

”Yeah, come.”

The younger pulled Hakyeon out of his bed and into the kitchen. The older was still confused about the younger’s actions but went along with it anyways. 

“Don’t worry, they’re all the foods you like,” Hongbin said and smiled at Hakyeon, reassuring the older that it wasn’t a trick of any sort.

”Um, thanks.”

Hakyeon sat obediently at the dining table and ate the food Hongbin brought back home. The younger didn’t say a word except sit across from Hakyeon and watching the older have his dinner. The older couldn’t help but feel anymore awkward. 

“How’s the food?” Hongbin asked.

”It’s good, thanks,” Hakyeon said with his mouth still stuffed with food. He’s got to admit, he was pretty darn hungry.

”You should’ve came with us.”

”Nah, you guys probably went to that gopchang restaurant again with Hyogi.”

”We did but there’s still food for you to eat.”

”I know but it’s just weird for me to eat something else on the side while you guys are enjoying the main course. I’d ruined the atmosphere anyways,” Hakyeon sighed.

”That’s not true!” Hongbin suddenly raised his voice causing Hakyeon to jump a bit. “We’d really like it if you come and eat with us once in awhile. Even going to the movies, the others always talk about you and how much we wanted you to come with us. But every time we ask, you would always refuse and we didn’t want to push you too much..”

”Kong-ah...” Hakyeon felt slightly touched by the younger’s words. 

“Even going out to eat, if you say you want to eat at a specific restaurant, we would all go with you. We only suggest random places because you never ask us.”

”But it’s not like you guys like the places I like either... so it’s not fun if only I’m the one enjoying myself.”

”That’s not true. I know we don’t say it much or often enough at all, but we’d go anywhere you ask us to. We’d follow you  wherever you want to go. You’re our leader, the oldest, and our role model, we’ve got no one else to follow except you, hyung.”

Hakyeon didn’t know what to say. He didn’t think he would suddenly hear such heartfelt words coming from the younger’s mouth. It was a strange and confusing situation but it wasn’t bad either. He almost wanted to cry as he looked at how sincere Hongbin was being.

”Remember that question you asked me about the other day?” Hongbin asked.

Hakyeon nodded.

”I thought the answer was obvious, so obvious that there’s no need to even ask in the first place. No matter what you do, whatever you decide on, whether it’s right or wrong, I’ll follow you and support you. And there’s no doubt about it because aside from you, I’ve got no one else. You’re the only one,” Hongbin said earnestly as he held onto Hakyeon’s hands. 

“Thanks,” Hakyeon finally found the smiles within him. It felt like a huge weight was lifted off of his shoulders. All of his worries were suddenly washed away. “You know Kong-ah, just now... it sounded like a confession.”

Hongbin cracked a smile. 

“Maybe it is?”