"Depend on Me Again"

(A/N: I found this draft on my phone which was written last year before Hakyeon's military announcement! I didn't know if I wanted to share it or not but here it is anyways.)

Sanghyuk has been quietly staying at home lately instead of going out in the middle of the night like before to hang out with his friends. He's been awfully quiet in general and the leader couldn't help but worry like usual.

"Hyogi, do you want to order pizza tonight?" Hakyeon suggested even though he wasn't a big fan of pizza himself. He likes Korean food more than ever but the younger ones of the group always like junk food. 

"I'm fine," Hyuk gave a short reply.

"Um, then how about Chinese food? Or gopchang?" Hakyeon made another attempt to ask for the younger's preferences.

"You don't even eat gopchang."

"I do now. So, let's have some!" the leader said enthusiastically even though he was really fond of his own suggestion.

"You don't have to force yourself to like something you didn't like in the first place. Aren't you tired of it?"

"Huh?"

Hyuk looked at Hakyeon for a minute, wanting to say something but didn't in the end.

"Never mind. I'm not hungry," the youngest said and simply retreated back to his room.

This made Hakyeon extra worry but he didn't know what was going on in the younger's mind. 

"Kong-ah, you know what's wrong with Hyogi lately?" Hakyeon decided to ask the second youngest.

"Huh? What do you mean?" Hongbin asked back as he stuffed his mouth full of grapes that were sitting at his desk while he plays Overwatch. He obviously wasn't paying attention to the situation just now or what the leader was going on about.

"Hasn't he been a bit ... too quiet lately? I don't even see him gaming with you or Jaehwan anymore. He's not sick or anything, is he?"

"I don't know. He looks fine to me. Maybe he's got a girlfriend or something."

"W-what?!" Hakyeon jumped. "When? Who? Why don't I know about it?"

"I said maybe. I don't know what's up with him. Why do you always come to me to ask about Sanghyuk anyways?" Hongbin finally let go of his keyboard and mouse to interrogate the leader.

"Well, you two are the closest... so I thought he'd tell you everything," Hakyeon assumed.

"Not everything. That kid's got more secrets than he looks. Why don't you just ask him yourself?"

"That's easier said than done."

"Well, don't make me do the dirty work. Man up and ask Sanghyuk or just forget it. You're probably overthinking things like always, anyways," Hongbin said.

Hakyeon stared at Hongbin for his useless advice and left with a disappointing sigh.

The next day, Hakyeon found another person to bombard his questions with about Hyuk.

"Jaehwan-ah," Hakyeon grabbed hold of the younger vocalist.

"What's up, hyung?" Jaehwan said as he hummed along with his musical script in the living room.

"Have you been talking with Hyogi lately? Do you notice anything strange?" Hakyeon asked.

"Strange? Nope. Why?"

"Really? Don't you think he's a bit too quiet?"

"Not really. But now that you mention it, I guess so? He's been in the studio or in his room a lot lately, I think."

"Right? Are you sure you don't know what's up?"

"Nope, sorry. Why don't you ask him yourself?"

"I can't. Even if I do, he probably won't say anything or say it's nothing like usual," Hakyeon sighed in defeat.

"Com'on hyung. I'm sure he'll tell you if you just muster up your courage and ask. It's not like Hyogi hates you or anything," Jaehwan said.

"But he thinks I'm annoying..."

"Aw, hyung. That's not how he thinks of you. You know he respects you more than anyone else. You just need to be brave. You're always so confident with everything, why are you only like this when it comes to Hyogi?"

"I don't know. If Hyogi hates me, I don't know what I'll do," Hakyeon felt a bit teary just thinking about such the impossible.

Jaehwan looked at Hakyeon for a second, who looked like he was about to cry. He couldn't stand it when the leader looks so sad, so the vocalist decided to give him a comforting hug. 

"There, there, hyung. It's okay. Don't worry so much," Jaehwan said softly.

"Thanks, Jaehwan-ah," Hakyeon sniffled a bit and tried to wipe his few drops of tears away.

But as the two were hugging openly in the living room, Hyuk walked in just in time to witness the scene.

"What happened?" the younger asked.

Jaehwan and Hakyeon let go of one another but Hyuk noticed the remains of the leader's tears on his face.

"Hakyeon-hyung? Why are you crying?" Hyuk asked in worry. "Jaehwan-hyung?"

"I-It's nothing," Hakyeon signaled Jaehwan to be quiet about what they were talking about so that they don't needlessly end up worrying the youngest either.

"Y-yeah," Jaehwan looked away since he at being a liar.

Hyuk looked at the two suspiciously but the fact that the leader did cry made him a bit annoyed. He didn't know what really happened but it seems the two older ones are keeping something to themselves without letting Hyuk know. 

Hakyeon returned to his room after calming down a little more but as he returned to his room, the idea of him drifting away from Hyuk came back. He couldn't help but feel lonely after all.

Should I talk with Hyogi, after all? he wonders.

He was concerned about being rejected by the younger, to be honest, and he wouldn't know what to do if that really happens. He was quite used to being ignored in the past by the younger when Hyuk was still young because Hakyeon could understand that maybe the maknae was in his 'rebellious phase' but now that they're all adults, it felt like Hyuk was growing up too fast for the leader to catch a hold of him. 

Being unable to settle down, Hakyeon decided to give it a shot and rushed straight to Hyuk's room but the moment he opened the door, Wonshik was standing in his way.

"Woah! You scared me, hyung," Wonshik jolted and almost fell down.

"Sorry. Is Hyogi around?" Hakyeon asked as his eyes scanned the room from the doorway.

"He's taking a shower right now. What's up?"

"Nothing," Hakyeon sighed. He was so confident one minute ago and now, that confidence shattered away.

"Jaehwan-hyung told me that you've been worried about Hyuk. You really shouldn't worry about it so much. He's a grown up now, I'm sure he can take care of himself," Wonshik told the older.

"That's what I'm worried about..." Hakyeon said. "Hyogi being independent and not having to rely on anyone anymore, that's exactly my concern. He doesn't come to talk to me anymore about anything and it just seems so hard to get him to share his feelings with me. He used to be so much cuter and expressive even when he's shy."

"Pfft. Hyuk is just growing up. We all are. Plus, you're the exact same if we're talking about being different from before."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"Hakyeon-hyung, when we were still trainees, you would always goof around with us and played with us all the time. You always teased our dance instructors and even caused more trouble then we did. But after we debut, you started to grow up faster than everyone else. You got busier and busier, almost having no time to even rest at home. You were experiencing a whole bunch of stress and carrying so much burden alone but wouldn't even tell us about it because you thought that you would hinder us too. You always seem to tell others your true feelings especially during your interviews but you never tell anything to us first. Rather than Han Sanghyuk drifting away, I think you're the one who's harder to reach out to," Wonshik told the leader truthfully.

"Really? You really think so? But I thought you guys didn't like me being so close all the time so I thought that it'd be better if I put some distance between us, wasn't that what you guys wanted?"

"Who told you that? No one would want you to be distant with us. You're our closest friend and family, remember?"

"But you always tell me to stop touching you," Hakyeon reminded him.

"No touching doesn't mean not talking and communicating with us. It's not the same. I don't mind you hugging me from time to time but it's excessive the way you do it most of the time."

Hakyeon sighed," I know... but it's just... I don't know how much longer I'll get to hug you guys. Next year... you know...?"

Hakyeon really didn't want to think about it, to be honest. He thought that he was prepared for anything and he knew what was coming but whenever he thought about the times he'll become separated from s, he couldn't help but want to be a little closer to them. He was just lonely.

"Hyung..." Wonshik looked at Hakyeon in defeat and gave up. "Fine, but seriously, please consider me as well."

With that being said, Wonshik hugged Hakyeon tightly and warmly for once. He knew how the leader felt and when he thought about the time they'll be separated as well, he understood why the leader has been more affectionate than ever.

Bam!

Wonshik and Hakyeon let go of each other and looked at where the noise came from. As they did, they saw Hyuk standing there behind them, but his expression was full of anger.

"I've had enough!" he yelled at them.

"Hyogi?" Hakyeon was shocked at Hyuk's angry expression.

Hyuk ran up to Hakyeon immediately and grabbed the leader by the wrist. He dragged the leader out of the room and then locked the both of them together outside on the balcony to talk.

"What's wrong, Hyogi?" Hakyeon became worried about the younger's change in attitude.

"You! You and the others! You're hiding something from me, aren't you?" Hyuk asked irritatedly.

"Me? Shouldn't that be you? You never talk to me and whenever I want us to talk, you just shut me down and don't seem to care," the leader was finally losing his patience.

"What? What are you talking about? Who said I don't care? I care a lot! But you always go to either Hongbin-hyung or Jaehwan-hyung for everything! And now you're going back to Wonshik-hyung too? Are you going to go to Taekwoon-hyung next then?" Hyuk accused him. "Why am I always last when it comes to listening to your worries? Am I really that unreliable?"

"Of course not! I rely on you a lot but that doesn't have anything to do with this."

"Then what's the problem? Why won't you talk to me about it?"

"I want to! But will you really listen? You always change the subject or just walk away whenever I want us to have a talk. The others are just worried about me and trying to make me feel happier. Why are you so angry?"

"Because... because I want to be the one you come to first!" Hyuk confesses.

"Really?" Hakyeon took a minute to digest his thoughts.

Hyuk nods admitting it.

"Honestly, there's nothing much going on with me. My concern is actually you, Han Sanghyuk," Hakyeon said. "You're growing up so fast that I don't even know what to do about you anymore and I never seem to know what's on your mind. You're doing so much all by yourself and though I'm proud of you, at the same time, it just feels like you're so far away and so distant."

"But that's because... of you."

"Me?"

"Yeah. You've always been the one doing everything for the group on your own and even Taekwoon-hyung have been working extra hard for the group lately. After all, next year... when I think about how close that time is coming, I just don't know what to do. I want to help fill in the void for when the two of you are gone. You've worked so hard for all of us and for the group, received so much stress because of us in the process too. You've endured so much that it should be me saying that you're completely out of reach from the rest of us. When I was younger, you felt more like a friend and an older brother to me. Yeah, you're a bit too energetic and excessive in everything you do at times but you felt warm. Then, you suddenly got busier and started to grow more mature when all of us didn't even want to think about having responsibilities. You grew quieter and whenever we ask if you want to hang out with us, you always say that you're too tired to do so. I hate that distance between us. So, I thought that if I can be more mature than maybe I can close the gap between you and I."

"Hyogi... I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. Even Wonshik said the same thing to me just now but I didn't think you guys would be so affected by it."

"That's because you always put us first before yourself. You're important to me, Hakyeon-hyung. Very important. Why can't you see that?"

"Then why didn't you tell me that sooner? I was so worried that you don't like talking to me anymore or that you got something better to do than spend time with me. You know next year when I'm enlisted, and when I do, I'll be gone for at least two years. By the time I come back, you might also be preparing to leave as well. When I'm gone, and even when I return, our group will be missing someone no matter what. When I think about that, I worry for us and our future. We've all be inseparable for the past six-seven years but now, to actually have to separate, it's scary just thinking about it. I'm not afraid of serving my country for the greater good but I'm afraid of not being able to be with you guys," Hakyeon felt depressed just thinking about the blurry future that awaits him.

"Hyung, I feel the same too, you know? When we think that you won't be around to nag us or cling onto us for those two years, it's strange. You're the oldest and the leader, we always find ourselves relying on you instead of trying to do things on our own. We've been taking the easy way around with things just because you're always there to catch us when we fall. But then, you'll be gone for those two years and it's almost unimaginable. It's not that we don't want to rely on you or talk with you but I'm afraid that if I grow too used to having you around, I won't be able to go on a day without you," Hyuk said.

"Sanghyuk-ah," Hakyeon was touched by the younger's words. "So, you don't really hate me?"

"Why would you even think that? I rely on you a lot and love you lots. I just hate it when you ask others for advice rather than come up to me first. You're always hiding your feelings to yourself so that you don't affect those around you but we're family, remember? Shouldn't you be more open about your feelings with us?"

"I guess you're right. I should open up more. I don't even know what's wrong with me. Guess it's the old age, I'm getting too sentimental," Hakyeon admits.

 "You're not old."

"Says the one who keeps telling me that I'm at the end of my 20s."

"You know that I was just joking around."

"Uh-huh~," Hakyeon teased back. "But thanks Hyogi. I think once I'm gone, I can rely on you to look after everyone."

"You say it as if you're gone forever. You'll be back to nag us and cling onto us however you want in no time, I'm sure of it."

"Well~ as long as you don't mind it, of course, I'd do that."

The younger let out a sigh and cracked a smile, "you can do whatever you want, hyung."