"Depend on Me”

”How do I break down the wall between us?” Hakyeon asked suddenly as he sat next to the youngest during their break time.

”Wall?” Hyuk asked in confusion.

Hakyeon held onto Hyuk’s hands which surprised the younger. Out of reflex, Hyuk flinched away. 

“This wall,” Hakyeon pointed out.

”There’s no wall between us. I don’t know what you mean,” the younger knew that his avoidance had hurt the older’s feelings. 

Hakyeon stared a good minute at Hyuk, his hands still hanging midair after being flung away. He let out a sigh.

”Hyung?” Hyuk noticed  the older growing silent.

“We’re restarting again, you guys!” The staff from outside the tent shouted.

Hakyeon let out a sigh and averted his gaze from the younger.

”Hyung...” Hyuk really was lost at what to do. He knew he accidentally hurt the older’s feelings.

Hakyeon distances himself from the younger and turned his head to the other side.

”Okay, we’re ready!” Hakyeon shouted back at the staff and smiled as if nothing happened.

The members were overseas and having a hitouch event for their fans. They were separated by groups and Hyuk was with Hakyeon for today’s session. The event lasted for almost two hours and within those two hours, Hakyeon continued to smile to their fans as if nothing was wrong. But Hyuk couldn’t stop worrying about the leader after all. He knew he had hurt Hakyeon. 

After the event was over, Hakyeon left the tent immediately to join with the other members except Hyuk was left standing there, reflecting on what he had done.

I’m such an idiot, he told himself as he stared blankly at his own hands. 

There was indeed a wall between him and the older. He was the one that built that wall and he now regrets it a lot. Hyuk rushes out of the tent in worry and as he exited, he saw Hakyeon laughing with the other members nonchalantly.

"Hakyeon-hyung," the younger called out.

"What took you so long?" Hongbin asked.

"Uh, I was... nevermind..." Hyuk sighed. "Can I talk to Hakyeon-hyung?"

"Later," Hakyeon said without a smile. "We need to get changed and head to the next venue. The managers are waiting outside."

Hyuk lost his chance. The one chance that it took him a lot of courage to ask.

As he sat in the back of the van, he kept looking at Hakyeon who sat in the front. He wanted to clear up the misunderstandings between the two of them and tell Hakyeon that he didn't mean to smack Hakyeon's hands away. It was just out of reflex.

A wall... he kept repeating in his mind. What did Hakyeon mean by a 'wall?' 

Hyuk really wanted to play it innocent and not know what the older had meant but deep down inside, he knew exactly what Hakyeon meant. The wall he created as he got older, the wall he built so that Hakyeon couldn't get close to him. 

Dammit, I need to explain. If I don’t... then we’ll never return to normal. He told himself. 

He’s been avoiding the problem for years now and he thought he could run away from it as long as no one mentions anything. But now, he knows that’s if he runs away any further, there will be no where to return to. 

After their long day was over, the members were tired and each returned home. As soon as they entered the dorms, Hyuk grabbed Hakyeon’s hands.

”We need to talk hyung,” he tried again.

”I’m tired. Maybe some other time,” Hakyeon said and took Hyuk’s hands away from him.

”No, we need to talk,” Hyuk knew he had to be persistent. 

“Look I’m tired. I want to go to bed. Let go,” the older demanded.

Hyuk refused.

”Are you two fighting back there?” Jaehwan peeked back at the doorway since the two members didn’t come inside with the rest of them. 

“We’re fine,” Hakyeon said. “Let go.”

Hakyeon flung his wrist away from Hyuk’s grasp and turned around.

Am I really just going to let him run away again? He asked himself as he saw Hakyeon wall further and further away. 

“!” Hyuk swore and caught Hakyeon by surprise.

Hakyeon looked at the younger in a daze and confused if he had heard right. After all, the docile maknae wasn’t the type to use foul languages even when he’s mad at something. 

“What did y-,” Hakyeon wanted to ask.

”I said it. Dammit. ! Why won’t you let me talk to you? Why are you running away?” Hyuk bursted out loudly enough for all the others to hear.

”What’s going on?” Taekwoon came out to see what the commotion was about, followed by the other members. 

“Huh? N-nothing,” Hakyeon tried to shoo the members away.  “We’re fine. Just go back to your rooms okay Taekwoon-ah?”

”But...” 

Hyuk grabbed Hakyeon in frustration, his grip hurt and he wasn’t going to be lenient about it either. 

“Ow,” Hakyeon could feel the younger’s grip digging into his skin.

”What’s wrong Hyogi?” Jaehwan was confused to see such a scary Hyuk suddenly.

”Let go of Hakyeon, you’re hurting him,” Taekwoon said. “What the hell is wrong with you suddenly?”

”Shut up!” Hyuk shouted at s and pulled Hakyeon towards him in frustration. “I need to talk to Hakyeon-hyung. Stop getting in the way!”

The members gulped, terrified almost that the younger suddenly yelled at him.

”Stop Hyuk-ah, don’t talk to them like that,” Hakyeon tried to reason with him.

”Like what? Like how you’re planning on ignoring me and avoiding the problem? I don’t ing care anymore. We need to talk and we need to talk right ing now!” Hyuk shouted.

”Ya! Han Sanghyuk, what the hell is wrong with you today?! Don’t you see you’re hurting hyung?” Hongbin grabbed a Hyuk by the collar in anger.

“I’ve had about enough of every one of you interrupting me and Hakyeon-hyung. If I don’t clear things up between us, I think I’ll go mad!” Hyuk bursted out.

”What things? What happened between you two?” Taekwoon turned towards Hakyeon for clarification.

”I-it’s nothing,” Hakyeon told him and it was such an obvi Us lie. “Hyuk-ah, let's talk somewhere else okay? Just calm down.”

Hyuk had no choice but to listen this time but he was going to put up a fight if he can’t voice out his thoughts later.

”We’ll be right back,” Hakyeon told Taekwoon.

”Are you sure? If something happens, you have to ca-“

Before Taekwoon could finish his words, Hyuk pulled Hakyeon out the dorms. 

It was the middle of the night, rather chilly and eerily quiet. All they could hear was the footsteps that they were making as the walked towards the river. 

Though Hyuk didn’t say a word as they were walking down, he didn’t let go of Hakyeon’s hands either.

”Hyuk-ah...” Hakyeon tried to see what sort of expression was on the younger’s face. 

Hyuk was frustrated, upset and even disappointed. Not at Hakyeon but more so, towards himself.

”You shouldn’t have talked that way to Taekwoon and the others like that earlier,” Hakyeon told him.

Hyuk but his lips knowing well that he had also ended up hurting the other members, but what could he do? He couldn’t control his outburst. Any longer and he might even breakdown.

”I’ll... I’ll apologize to them later,” Hyuk finally said as they reached the riverbanks.

”Okay.”

”We need to talk hyung. About earlier this morning and what you said to me.”

Hakyeon remembered and averted his gaze from the younger. 

“Look at me hyung,” Hyuk grabbed Hakyeon’s shoulders so that the older would face him properly. “That Wall you mentioned before... is it just me that built it between us or did you build one as well. Why can’t you look at me properly? You mentioned it so easily earlier and now, you can’t even admit it?”

”Hyuk, forget what I said earlier. Okay? I wasn’t thinking.”

Hyuk could see that Hakyeon was trying to wiggle away from his grasp, but he was no where close to matching the younger’s tight grip.

”I’ve ran away long enough and avoided the problem for too long, so don’t you run away from me now. You said it, the wall between us. Why do you think it exist in the first place?”

”H-how should I know? You’re the one that doesn’t want to be near me anymore...”

”That’s not true.”

”Liar.”

”I’m not. Do you remember the first time I came into Jellyfish? When I suddenly got placed in myDol with the rest of you guys even though I’ve only been with the company for no more than three months?”

Hakyeon nodded. 

“Who was it that pulled me in and made me feel like I had a place to go? Who was it that guided me and helped me when I thought I was the odd one out? It was you hyung. It was because you helped me so much that I was able to find the confidence to keep going.”

”Then why... why are you so far from me now?” Hakyeon’s voice sounded as if he might cry. “If I really did help you so much, why are you growing further and further away from me? You don’t even let me get near you anymore.”

”I’m sorry. It’s not your fault but it’s my own problem.”

”What do you mean?”

”I was young and lost. But you were the first who held you hand out for me. I was thankful for it and in the end, I looked up towards you. I followed you and you guided me when no one else would. I depended on you so much that I eventually got scared... what if I can’t leave you anymore? What if you leave me one day and my world falls apart?”

”I wouldn’t...”

”How can you be so sure? I was worried that the more  dependent I am towards you, the more I wouldn’t be able to let go. I had to learn to grow up so that rather than me depending on you, you would depend on me instead.”

”Sanghyuk-ah... I don’t know what to say...”

”You don’t have to say anything hyung,” Hyuk grabbed Hakyeon and pulled him in his arms. “I love you Cha Hakyeon. So much that I feel like I might lose my mind if you disappear from me one day. This so-called wall you say we have, it’s just so that I can keep my feelings under control. The closer we get, the more I feel like I wouldn’t be able to hold back.”

Hakyeon blushed from the younger’s sudden confession.

”Do you know how popular you are hyung? There’s so many eyes on you all the time that I feel insecure... I don’t know what I would do if I lose you one day,” Hyuk’s eyes gave out as he imagined the older disappearing from his sight.

”Hyuk-ah, I’m not going anywhere. I don’t plan to. I’ll always be here for you,” Hakyeon confesses. 

“You will?” The younger wanted to confirm.

”I will. I promise. No matter what happens, even if you no longer need to rely on me, I’ll always be here for you,” he said.

”Hyung... thank you,” Hyuk wiped his tears away and held onto Hakyeon tighter. “I promise I’ll do better and I’ll never not depend on you. But please, rely on me as well because it would mean so much to me if you can.”

”Okay. I will,” Hakyeon finally smiled genuinely after a whole day. “Let’s go home now alright? The others will be worried and you still need to apologize to them.”

”I... I’m scared,” Hyuk gulped. 

“It’s okay, I’ll be there. You can depend on me.”