He stared out the window and recalled, for the hundredth time in a month, the accident. The screech of the tires and the sickening crunch of metal filled his head. The deafening blast as one vehicle burst into flames and the jarring sound of his daughter crying roared in his ears.

            “Daddy?” Himchan looked down in surprise. Hana, his eight year old, shook him. “Himjong came home.” She pointed to her thirteen year old brother.

            The anger and the pain Himchan felt in the two seconds he set eyes on his son was overwhelming and he clutched at his chest, trying to get a grip. Himjong was tall for his age and he stared back at his father with defiance.

            The accusations sat on his tongue, burning a fiery trail down his throat and Himchan exploded. “You missed the funeral, you ungrateful bastard.” Hate laced his words with a pungent venom. Nobody ever told him he could hate his son.

            The young boy’s chin was set in an obstinate square and he crossed his arms. Hana tried in vain to hold her father back. Himchan shook her off and picked up the front of Himjong’s shirt.

            “You killed your mother,” he hissed and Hana let out a sob.

            The rebellion in the teen’s eyes died and a swift flash of raw pain came into his dark orbs. For a second, he was a little boy again and Himchan remembered carrying him home, swathed in a bundle and he remembered playing war with him, hearing the youthful, boisterous laughter.  As sudden as that moment of vulnerability came, it was gone and Himchan was once more faced with a stranger.

            “You come back here, after one month, and you have no words to say for yourself? Where have you been? We’ve looked for you all over the damn city!” Himchan roared and dimly, in the background, he heard Hana whimper.

            His son looked him in the eye. His teeth were bared, as if preparing for battle. “If you never cheated on her, I would never have left. You killed her. Did you think she didn’t know? She did and she wanted to tell me to let it go. You’re a lucky bastard. She knew but was willing to let you get away with it.”

            The revelation the room dry. It was a heavy accusation and Himchan’s blood froze. In his mind’s eye, his thoughts raced to that one time when he looked out the café window and saw the kid with the skateboard. He had even joked that it was Himjong, and how they would get caught.

            Hana was too young to fully understand, only knowing Himjong had hit a nerve. A vein throbbed in Himchan’s forehead. She wanted to stop him from leaving but before any of them could react, Himchan was out the door. Her brother hugged her as she cried herself dry.

            Himchan drove to her house and banged on the doors. It was only a matter of minutes before she opened the door and pulled him in. “What are you doing? The neighbors may recognize you and gossip! You told me you wouldn’t be back.”

            “She knew.” Himchan was in a daze. “She knew and she never said a word. She knew, I’m telling you. I broke her heart and she was still going to get Himjong back. He didn’t run away because he was a rebel. He left because he was disgusted by me.”

            She looked at him with pity in her eyes. “So why are you back? Why did you come here?” But she already knew the answer and it was only because she did love him that she told him to leave. “Leave before you lose all hope of redemption.”

            “Redemption?” he scoffed bitterly and for a second, he was the same old Himchan. He placed his hand before his lips and laughed out loud. It was a deranged, maniacal laugh. “Please, just make me forget.”

            She shook her head. “I have more self-respect than this. I won’t sleep with you knowing that you would be thinking about your deceased wife.”

            He nodded and she closed the door, the only open gateway he had to the hell he deserved to go to. He drove to a nearby bar. He drank in a stupor, mechanically downing the shots and slamming the glass down for more. It had no effect against his numb pain.

            When the bartender decided to give him water instead, he didn’t notice. It wasn’t until after when he got up, that the room swayed and he realized how heavy his head was. He put one foot in front of the other, but the concentration proved too much and he gave up. He trudged and stumbled.

            Himchan stared at the sky, after settling down with a thump against the concrete. He called her name and begged for forgiveness. It was the thrill of being wanted by another woman, the nasty appeal to his ego, that had made him do it. In his heart, she was still number one. He knew that he just wanted something different.

            He studied the moon until its rounded edges blurred and jagged lines began to form in his vision. His heart ached and squeezed painfully in his chest. His breath came on in shallow pants. If only he had been more careful. If only he had just settled with the rhythm of married life. If only he hadn’t laughed that day, thinking you couldn’t be caught.

            His head pounded and his fists bled from his continuous banging against the gravel. This time, the joke was on him. 

Himchan angst request

lalala

I'm sort of tempted to stop posting this on tumblr because people there just aren't commenting...

sighs 

I didn't think this was too angsty though ^^