Road Trip

A Fangirl's Dream

*Jonghyun’s POV*

“Are we there yet??” Key whined in my ear.

I turned around in the passenger seat of the large van to look at him.

“Does it look like we’re there yet Key?” I asked in a No-Duh voice. He shot a glare at me, then went back to his iPad.

I looked past him at everybody else in the van. Our manager was driving and I was sitting in the passenger seat next to him. Everybody (besides me obviously), was required by our manager to sit with their matches if possible. Behind me were Key and Brianna; the isle separating them. Behind those two was a three person bench seat on which sat Taemin, Carolyn and Nicole. Behind those three on another bench seat were Onew, Rebecca and Minho.

*Minho’s POV*

I was so happy that, thanks to the way the seating was arranged, I didn’t have to sit with Nicole. I wouldn’t be able to take a three hour car ride sitting with her. Instead I sat behind her with Rebecca next to me and Onew next to her. I pulled the “fake stretching” move, placing my arm behind Rebecca’s shoulders on the back on the bench. I was disappointed when she didn’t move closer or make any gesture of noticing. Instead she carried on laughing at Onew and whatever they were watching on his iPhone.

I understood that they needed to hang out because they were assigned to each other and everything, but I didn’t see why she had to pretend to be entertained by him now. Suddenly a startling thought struck me:

What if she’s not acting? What if she really likes Onew…?

*Carolyn’s POV*

This car ride is going to be the death of me.

I was suffocating from Nicole’s perfume and dying to hold Taemin’s hand. I could tell he wanted to hold mine too, but I couldn’t risk it with Key sitting right in front of us. Taemin understood this and backed off, a sad expression passing over his face.

*Buzzzzzz*

I flipped open my phone to read the text message from Taemin.

Taemin: So, when do you plan on telling Key about you and me?

I glanced over at Taemin’s questioning face and bit my bottom lip before typing out my reply.

Me: I was thinking… never?

Taemin: Carolyn, come on! We have to tell him some time. Plus he has Brianna now.

Me: He hates her though!

Taemin: For me?

I looked up from my phone to see him making puppy eyes at me. This totally won me over.

Me: Fine. I’ll do it when we get to the hotel.

He took a quick look around the van to see if anyone was looking, then gave me a quick peck on the cheek, causing me to blush and turn the other way. I was greeted by Nicole’s perfumy face.

“What’s your issue?” she asked *eye roll* when she saw my flushed cheeks.

I just ignored her and turned back to face the front of the van.

*Brianna’s POV*

Stupid manager! Why am I stuck up here with Key? I could be sitting in the back with Rebecca having a great time; we always have the best times car rides!

I looked over at Key dabbling on his iPad next to me. It had been a week since our second-date-incident with the kayak and the fish.

If you’re wondering why we were all in the van, it’s because we were taking a two night trip to central New York to go to Rebecca’s school’s semiformal dance. It had been postponed due to some unknown circumstance and was now being held over the summer. Rebecca mentioned it a few days ago, and SHINee’s manager thought it would be a great opportunity for us to bond some more with our matches. He’d already cleared it with the school. How could I forget that phone conversation?

So it’s all set then?” I heard the manager say into his phone from my eavesdropping place.

*silence*

“Okay, well Taemin is 19, Minho is 21, Key is 21, Jonghyun is 22 and Onew is 23.”

I caught my breath. My 15 year old sachon was totally clueless of the shocking fact I’d just found out, and I had no idea what to tell her. She was in love with a 23 year old.

I shuddered at the memory, trying to come up with a way to break the news to her. Every idea I came up with, I shot down with a negative point. No matter how I told her, it was going to hurt.

My mind wandered onto other things, eventually finding its way to Key. Over the past week we’d gotten in a few fights, but they weren’t as bad as before. We actually were starting to get along. I told myself I hated him, but then I’d think of that day at the lake when he saved me. Whenever that memory popped in my mind I’d feel chills come over me.

That day’s events suddenly flashed through my mind. Unfortunately I did a stupid thing and looked over at Key. I felt a tug in my heart as I stared at his seemingly beautiful face, the sun shining in through the window behind him. It didn’t help that I was listening to their song Romantic. (I decided to give their music a shot, and to my astonishment it wasn’t too bad. I actually was really starting to like it).

What’s happening to me? Am I… No.

I didn’t want to even entertain the thought, but it wouldn’t leave me alone.

Am I falling for diva Kim Kibum? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have I ever mentioned how much I LOVE Onew's signature?^ c: <3

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~