Personal Talk

A Fangirl's Dream

*Nicole’s POV*

This is so awkward!!!

Minho and I sat across from each other in the jacuzzi in silence. I read my fashion magazine while he watched a soccer game on the flat screen set up above the hot tub.

Suddenly he switched off the TV and reached over, ripping the magazine from my grasp and throwing it over the edge onto the tiled floor.

“Hey; I was reading that!” I complained, crossing my arms and pouting.

“We’re supposed to be bonding, so I figured we could get to know each other a little bit. Ask me anything you want!”

“Maybe I don’t WANT to know anything about you.”

“Fine I’ll go first,” Minho settled. “What’s your family like?”

My head jerked up to look at him. Why was he asking such a personal question?

Is this what people do on actual dates?

I’d never really gone on a legit date before. I was more into overnight flings. Anyway, I didn’t want to tell him about my family, but I figured if that’s what people do on dates, anyone would know that, and I didn’t want Minho to know I’d never ACTUALLY dated someone.  

“I live in a mansion with servants who take care of me. My dad is senator of Georgia and is almost never home. My mom is constantly on mission trips all over the world,” I finally answered.

“Wow, I’m sorry,” Minho said looking down at the water. His sympathy looked genuine.

“Why?! Since they’re never around, I practically run the place myself! The servants do what I say, and if I don’t like them, I fire them. I get whatever I want, whenever I want it.”

“Don’t you get lonely though?”

Why do you think I have a new boyfriend every weekend?! Idiot!

“Nah, I’ve got the servants to talk to. And, if I want a friend my parents can just buy me one,” I answered matter-of-factly.

“You can’t buy friendship…”

“Of course you can! My dad paid this girl when I was in 8thgrade to be my best friend. She was the longest friendship I’d ever had.”

“How long did it last?”

“Two weeks.”

“And that was your longest?” Minho asked me in shock.

“What, I think that’s a pretty good record.”

*Minho’s POV*

So this is why she acts like she does! She never had anyone to take care of her, teach her, love her.

“Is that why you go after guys so much?” I asked.

“Excuse me?! You have no idea what you’re talking about. My family has nothing to do with who I date! I could date the biggest criminal in the world and nobody would care. I make my own decisions.”

“I didn’t mean to-,”

“Shut up! Yes you did! Stop defending yourself!”

Gosh, this girl was touchy!

“Wow, you seriously have issues.”

“I said shut up!!!”

She splashed the hot water at my face. The heat stung my eyes, mostly because I wasn’t expecting it. I reacted without thinking, kicking her in the shin… HARD!

“Ow!” she screamed in pain.

“Nicole, I’m sor-,”

“Just; don’t talk to me jerk!!” she shouted, climbing out of the jacuzzi, grabbing her towel and running out the door.

I really hadn’t meant to hurt her. At least not THAT bad. 

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~