The Blue Team

A Fangirl's Dream

*Rebecca’s POV*

“The Yellow Team will go third!”

“All right, that’s okay,” Taemin said, clapping his hands once and resting his hands on his knees. He took a deep breath. He was trying to act all serious, but it wasn’t working. He still looked like an adorable two year old to me.

“Now for the last two teams-,”

“Can we play Kai Bai Bo?” Onew piped up quickly.

Everyone rolled their eyes or groaned. Onew was always wanting to play games to make decisions. Everyone found it annoying, but I found it cute.

“First of all Onew,” said the manager. “We’re in America so it’s Rock Paper Scissors. Second of all… eh why not!”

“Yay!” he clapped his hands happily.

Jonghyun sighed as he walked over to Onew, “Let’s just get this over with.”

“I’ll do us proud,” Onew whispered in my ear. “Now let’s do the best out of three,” he said walking over to meet Jonghyun.

I stood there for a second, unable to move and blushing like a fool. His words still rung in my ears ‘I’ll do us proud.’ Gosh I loved this boy too much. Finally I snapped out of it and focused on the game.

Onew and Jonghyun had both won one match. This would be it for determining the order. I held my breath as they slapped their fists against their palms, chanting the words.

“Shoot!”

“Yes!” Onew exclaimed as he hurried over to me and we did a double high five. We weren’t going last!!!

“Ugh, okay, no it’s fine. Because then we’ll know what we have to beat and we’ll wipe you guys out,” Jonghyun said.

Annie just rolled her eyes.

-------------------------- 

*Minho’s POV*

“Are you ready?” shouted the manager.

“Yes!” Nicole and I shouted from the platform at the start of the obstacle course, giving him a thumbs-up sign.

“On your mark… get set… go!!!!”

I immediately started across the two long, thin piece of wood, forming a bridge over the mud pit. It was wobblier than I expected it to be, and I almost fell in my haste.

“Ahhh! Careful!” Nicole exclaimed from the platform.

I ignored her comment. I was in the zone. This challenge was mine.

I made it safely across the beams and to the next platform. I took hold of the monkey bars above and swung across the rungs with ease. I made it onto the next platform and immediately took on the challenge: the rope.

I grabbed it up high with both hands so that I wouldn’t hit the mud, and swung across, landing safely on the next platform. Next was the small rock wall. I climbed it quickly and easily, swinging myself over to the other side. I wouldn’t have bothered climbing down and would have just jumped (it wasn’t that high) but I was forced to; the reason being there was no platform. Instead, I had to go straight onto the last obstacle; the balance beam.

I took my time, but still hurried. I couldn’t start all the way form the beginning. We’d lose way too much time. As soon as I made it to the end I jumped down onto the platform so Nicole could begin.

“All right Nicole, go!” shouted the manager once my two feet were firmly planted.

*Nicole’s POV*

“Ughh” I groaned as I made my way across the two board bridge, looking down at the mud below me.

I made it to the platform without falling in the mud. Thank goodness! Next were the monkey bars. Gosh, I hated monkey bars! I grabbed hold of the first one, slowly dragging my feet off the platform. I hung there for a second, unsure if I could do this.

“MOVE Nicole! You’re going to get tired and fall into the mud!”

Minho’s words gave me confidence, replacing my fear. There was NO way I was going to fall in that mud today! I made my way across slowly, one at a time. When I finally reached the end I took a quick breather.

It was time for the rope. Oh GAWSH the rope. I took hold of it loosely.

Okay, I can do this. I can do this!

I took a deep breath and pushed off of the wooden platform. I closed my eyes and held tightly to the rope. Unfortunately I am very short, so things went wrong when I reached the middle.

Suddenly I felt myself slow down. My bare feet (I had to take off my heels for this) touched something cold and slimy, pulling me to a complete stop. I felt my arms start to weaken. I was up to my knees in the smelly mud now.

“You touched! Time to go back to the beginning!” announced the manager. Still I clung to the rope for dear life. “Nicole, let go.”

“How deep is it??” I whined.

“Only a little above your waist; it’s not that bad.”

I took a deep breath and let go of the rope. I sunk down… down…

“This is not my waist!!!!!!” The cold mud slipped down between my cleavage.

“Oh, I forgot that you’re a little short. It might be a little higher on you”

“A little short?! I’m a frickin midget you dingbat! Of course it’s higher on me!” I screamed, flailing my hands above my head.

“Just hurry up and get out of there will you?” Minho prodded.

“Shut it Minnie Mouse! I will take my merry little TIME!”

By the time I finally completed the course, I knew we had a record… of the longest time in the world. I fell in the mud a total of three times. It was the worst experience of my life! 

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~