Dance Dance

A Fangirl's Dream

*Nicole’s POV*

When we entered the school gymnasium where the dance was being held, I was surprised by how cool this place actually was. It was dark in the gym, the only lights coming from the disco ball hanging above and the flashing, swirling rainbow lights by the DJ booth. I immediately lost myself in the crowd. I was determined to have a great time. I always ruled at dances.

*Carolyn’s POV*

The atmosphere seemed a little much for me, but it must’ve been fine for Taemin because he immediately dragged me onto the dance floor and began dancing crazily. I laughed as he took me by the hand and spun me around.

*Jonghyun’s POV*

So many babes!

*Minho’s POV*

Rebecca, Brianna, Onew, Key and I stuck in our own group. Rebecca introduced us to a few of her friends, with whom we danced a little. I kept trying to move closer to Rebecca, but she was always with someone else. I guess he was pretty popular among her friends at dances.

After a while the DJ put on a slow song. I immediately scanned the crowd for Rebecca.

*Rebecca’s POV*

A slow song! Where’s Onew? He better ask me to dance…

I finally found Onew. He was standing awkwardly off to one side. I was about to go up to him and start a conversation in hopes he’d ask me to dance when…

“Dance with me,” Nicole smiled as she grabbed Onew by the hand, and pulled the surprised boy in toward her, placing his hands on her waist. She wrapped her arms around his neck and began to sway back and forth.

Seeing Onew dancing with her was like being stabbed in the heart. That was supposed to be me in his arms…

I hurried away to keep myself from crying. Gosh, I’m so frickin emotional!

“Rebecca,” I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I turned around to see Minho standing before me. “Do you want to dance?”

I nodded my head and immediately wrapped my arms around Minho’s neck.

If Onew is trying to make me jealous, it’s working. But two can play this game.

I held tight to Minho, trying to imagine it was Onew. Suddenly the pain was replaced by anger. Onew was MINE.

*Brianna’s POV*

I had been dancing with a group of Rebecca’s friends that I knew from previous times I’d visited her. When the slow dance came on, they all dispersed to find their boyfriends, leaving me all alone.

I stared down at the ground while couples danced around me, wishing I had someone sweet like that.

“Do you wanna dance?”

I looked up to see one of Rebecca’s guy friends standing in front of me.

“Sure,” I smiled as I put my arms around his neck and he put his around my waist.

We weren’t like that for more than ten seconds when…

“Excuse me, what do you think you’re doing?!”

The boy and I both turned in surprise to see Key standing there, glaring at us.

“Um, dancing,” the boy answered in a No-Duh tone.

“Yeah well she’s my girl, okay?! Back off!”

“Fine, have her!”

The boy let go of me and walked away shaking his head.

“Key, what was that for?!” I asked. Gosh, he could be so rude to people.

“I just… you’re supposed to be my girlfriend!”

“Well that doesn’t seem to be working out too well, now does it?” I asked before stopping away.

I stood off to the side and proceeded to watch the couples dancing. When the song finally ended I breathed a sigh of relief… just to find out it was a double header. This really pissed me off! I mean, who plays two slow songs in a row? Totally not cool!

Suddenly I felt someone’s arms wrap around my waist. It surprised me at first, but their gentleness relaxed me. I smiled and turned to see who it was.  

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~