Hello, Hello

A Fangirl's Dream

*Jonghyun’s POV*

Oh. My. GOSH!

I was in heaven! We had all changed into swimming trunks and t-shirts to swim in and made our way down to the pool. When we rounded the corner into the shielded pool area, I froze in place. In front of me were five beautiful girls in bathing suits.

*Rebecca’s POV*

I had never seen these guys before; only heard about them. When I saw them round the corner my heart stopped. They were the most attractive Korean boys I had ever seen! My eyes were immediately drawn to one in particular. He was very tall with long dark hair. He looked like he was in very good shape and his face was like that of an angel.

“Rebecca come on.” Brianna’s voice brought me back to reality. I noticed the other girls were climbing out of the pool to meet the boys. I blinked once or twice to clear my head, then proceeded to follow them.

“Annyeong-haseyo, I’m-,”

“Hi I’m Nicole,” She cut me off, her oversized blocking me out.

“Hello. I’m Onew; this is Taemin, Jonghyun, Key and Minho.” I looked over to see who the voice belonged to. Hmmm Onew… He was pretty cute, but I still found my eyes wandering back to Minho.

“So, which one of you is my boyfriend? When do we get to be broadcast? Do I get my own makeup artist? Hello? Is anyone going to answer me?” Nicole’s annoying voice blabbed on.

*Minho’s POV*

Aigoo, will this girl just shut up already?!

*Jonghyun’s POV*

Ahh, so we’ve got a feisty one on our hands. I’ve got this.

“I hear we don’t get our pairings until the end of the week, but um, for now you can be my girlfriend if you’d like.” I stepped closer so that I was whispering in her ear.

“Show me your abs.”

“What?!” I asked as I pulled back in shock.

“I’m not going to be your girlfriend if you have sloppy abs. Now show them to me!”

Okay, okay, so she’s VERY feisty. This will just be a challenge.

I lifted my shirt quickly, revealing my toned stomach.

“Hmmm it’ll do. Okay, you can be mine for now. Come on; let’s go inside. My skin is beginning to burn.” She took me by the hand and dragged me into the house.

*Carolyn’s POV*

“Um, hi; I’m Carolyn,” I said extending my hand for each of them to shake. “Sorry about her; she’s a little…”

“Rambunctious?”

The voice came from the body attached to the hand I was currently shaking. My gaze drifted up his arm, to his shoulders and finally reached his face. What I saw made my heart stop. Standing before me was the most beautiful guy I had ever laid my eyes on. He was fairly tall with light brown hair which was dyed different colors in the front. Most people would’ve called it gay. I found it utterly attractive.

“Um, yeah; rambunctious,” I said lightly.

“Um, are you okay?” I was pulled out of my daze when I saw him staring at me funny.

“Yeah, sorry, I’m fine. I like your outfit by the way. It looks like something I drew once.”

“OMO; you draw?!”

I nodded.

“I draw too! Well, I really just draw fashion designs. Show me some of your drawings!”

We hurried into the house.

*Brianna’s POV*

“Hi! I’m Taemin!”

I turned and smiled at the young boy as he shook my hand.

“I’m Brianna,” I smiled at him.

“I like it! It sounds like your American word; banana!”

“Hahaha yes it does! You’re kind of funny,” I laughed with him.

“Thanks!” His smile was intoxicating. “Um, want to talk over there on the swings? I love swings.”

Gosh, he’s adorable!

“Sure!”

We raced each other over to the swings. He climbed on and I pushed him as we talked and laughed.

*Vanessa’s POV*

Jonghyun had been taken by that , Nicole. Agh I hated her since the very beginning, but this… this meant war! I took my next best option.

“Hey tharrrrrrr,” I blinked my eyes flirtily at Onew while I played with my golden locks. “I’m Vanessa, but you can call me Nessa if you want.”

*Onew’s POV*

Her drooling words made me want to gag, but I didn’t want to be mean.

“Hello, I’m Onew. Um, do you want to talk and get to know each other over there?” I asked, gesturing toward the lounge chairs around the pool.

“YES!” She dragged me by the hand over to the chairs.

*Rebecca’s POV*

Now it was only me and the tall, handsome boy that had captured my heart; Minho. 

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~