I Can't Take it Any Longer

A Fangirl's Dream

*Rebecca’s POV*

We all ended up staying in a hotel in town that night. The next morning we’d be hiking back to our camps to collect our stuff. We all agreed with the manager’s suggestion of ending the trip early. This trip had gone completely wrong, and we were ALL ready to leave.

At the hospital I’d realized Brianna and Key were missing. I texted my sachon and she told me where they were. When we could finally leave the hospital, we stopped by the alleyway to pick up Brianna and drunken Key. I imagined she was taking extra special care of him in their room. None of us asked what had happened, but I knew it must’ve been bad. I told Brianna that she HAD to tell me. She agreed to, but not now.

“I hope Key is doing okay,” Onew said from his bed. We were both lying on our beds in the dark; neither of us able fall asleep. It was slightly awkward.

“Me too,” I sighed.

After a moment of silence I heard Onew’s bed creaking as he got up. Hmm where is he- Suddenly I saw the outline of Onew’s face right above me.

“Rebecca?” he whispered.

“Oppa, what is it?” I asked, sitting up and reaching for the light.

“No,” he stopped my hand. “N-not the light.”

“Um okay…” I was getting really nervous now, but I tried to keep my cool. “So, what’s up?” I asked. Onew sat down on the edge of my bed, accidentally sitting on me at first. “Ow! Onew!”

“OMO I’m sorry!” he exclaimed shooting up.

I scooted over so he had more room. “Here you go,” I said, motioning for him to sit now.

“Thanks,” he blushed. “So, um… I need to ask you something. It’s kind of personal.”

“Okay, what is it?”

*Onew’s POV*

Aigoo, I can’t do this! She’s 8 years younger than me. I love her though. But I can’t tell her! She probably thinks of me as an old creep. After all, she did tell Minho she only likes me as a friend. But in the shed she said she hated Minho and loved me. Ughhh! What to do! She’s waiting! Um…

“What do you want to be when you get older?” I finally asked.

Crap! I averted the question, asked something stupid, AND made her feel younger! Ughhh, aigoo Onew; you need serious help!

“Um…” she said in a voice like Well-That-Was-Utterly-Random.

*Rebecca’s POV*

I thought he was going to confess! Stupid, stupid Rebecca! Why would he confess to you?! You’re only 15!

“Well, I want to be a writer,” I answered.

“Cool.”

Things were reallyyyy awkward now. I decided it was my turn to make the move. I just couldn’t take this anymore.

“Do you like me?” I asked it simple and straight out.

“What?” he asked, turning to look at me.

Crap! Now I’m going to look like a fool!

“D-do you like me?” I asked again, more scared this time.

*Onew’s POV*

OMO!!! She asked me if I liked her!! What do I say? I love her, so of course I like her! But what if she just means do I like her in general? Ohhhh, I don’t know what to do!

“Uh, um sure I like you! You’re a good dongsaeng,” I finally said. Thank goodness I kept her from turning on the light so she couldn’t see my cheeks burning bright red.

“Oh, thanks.”

More silence followed. Finally she spoke up again.

“Do you care about me as… more than a dongsaeng?”

“Um, can you rephrase the question?” I asked, stalling for time.

“Onew,” she put her hand on top of mine, sending shock waves through my arm.

She said Onew, not oppa!

“Do you have feelings for me?”

I froze. What was I to do? Could I just confess to a 15 year old? Well, I AM in love with her.

“I… I… don’t like you that way Rebecca.” 

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~