The Bet

A Fangirl's Dream

*Minho’s POV*

“Gawsh, I’m so excited we’re going back to the mansion!” Nicole exclaimed as she packed up her bags. “I am done with this camping and hotel stuff!”

“Aw, but aren’t you going to miss this one-on-one time together?” I slipped my hands around her waist from behind and whispered softly in her ear. “Just you and me; nobody to get in our way…” I gave her little kisses on the back of the neck.

“Do you have to do that?!” Her sharp tone surprised me. I immediately pulled away.

“Do what?”

She turned to look me in the eye. “You said you loved me for myself. Well lately you’ve been all over me. I feel like it’s not me you love anymore, but just what we do. I’ve been used plenty of times before to see it.”

I was shocked. Was this true? Was I in love with Nicole’s and my, ahem, *actions* rather than her? No way! I loved Nicole for who she was; I was sure of it. “You think I’m all over you for your body? Haha, no! Anyway, if I recall correctly YOU were the one that got in bed with me last night.”

“Yes, but YOU were the one that told me to stay,” she fired back.

Was this an argument? And was she actually WINNING?! I couldn’t let this happen! “Oh yeah? Well you were the one that came into my tent on the second night!”

“Only because YOU got lost and I was worried about you!”

“Okay, but YOU didn’t have to start making out with me!”

“Yeah, but YOU didn’t have to take off my clothes!”

“You took mine off too!” I retorted.

“Well what about last night? YOU should’ve kept your hands to yourself!”

“YOU were wearing a skimpy little, silk night gown that caught on the sheets, with nothing on underneath!”

“Well maybe that’s just how I like to sleep!” she snapped.

“Maybe if you didn’t purposely try to seduce me, I WOULD keep my hands to myself!”

“I do not purposely seduce you! This is just me. It’s how I act and dress on a normal basis. You’re the one that’s by it!”

“No, it’s YOU that gets , and YOU that makes the move on ME!”

“Haha, keep dreaming you frog face! I bet you couldn’t go one day without sleeping with me!” she stated matter-of-factly.

“Oh yeah? You wanna make that bet?! Because I’m totally ready to OWN you! Bring it on!” I shouted.

“Okay! If you can go a week without kissing, hugging, touching, or sleeping with me, I’ll do anything you want me to do for a week! But if you can’t do it –which I know you can’t- you have to do whatever I want you to do for a week!”

“But what if I accidentally brush by you?” I pointed out.

“Well obviously that doesn’t count,” she said in a No-Duh voice. “I mean like… well you KNOW what I mean. Oh! And no holding hands either. No signs physical signs of affection!”

“Okay, but I hope you know that YOU’RE the one that’s going to come begging to me!”

“Ha! Funny story! I’ve got this in the bag!”

“Whatever you want to believe,” I mumbled.

“Ugh! I’m going to go take a shower; alone! Though, I’m sure you’ll be joining me in a few minutes,” she smirked.

I rolled my eyes and went back over to my bag on the bed to make sure I had everything. As she walked by me toward the bathroom, she ‘dropped’ her towel right next to me. She bent over in her short, low cut night gown. I gulped and looked away. Maybe this is going to be harder than I thought… 

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~