Missing

A Fangirl's Dream

*Carolyn’s POV*

“We won!!!”

We all watched as Key danced around like a maniac. He grabbed Brianna by the hands and began spinning around in a circle with her. She laughed at his aegyo, pulling him in for a tight hug.

“I’m sorry I didn’t win for us Carolyn,” Taemin put a hand on my shoulder.

“What? Oh, it’s okay Taemin. You tried your best,” I smiled, kissing him on the cheek.

I knew he really wanted to beat his hyungs, so I tried my best to cheer him up.

“Hey, do you want to make s’mores tonight?” I suggested.

“Yes, yes, yes!!” he shouted happily, clapping his hands together in excitement.

I laughed. He was so cute!

*Jonghyun’s POV*

“Oh well,” Annie turned to face me. “We tried our best.”

“But I wanted to win…” I pouted.

“Hey, look on the bright side! Now we get to spend another night in this lovely wilderness place!”

I shot her a glare, but she just laughed.

“Yeah with all these spiders…”

That shut her up.

*Onew’s POV*

“I’m just proud that we made it back in time,” Rebecca smiled at me.

“Haha; and you didn’t think we’d make it!”

She blushed and looked away shyly.

Aigoo, you’re so cute Rebecca! I want to make you mine.

I swore to myself that by the time this camping trip was over, I would have made my move on Rebecca.

“Um, I don’t know if you guys have noticed, but Minho still isn’t back yet.”

We all turned to look at Nicole. She was sitting under the big tree trying to look angry, but we all saw the worry in her eyes.

“I’m sure he’ll be here soon,” Brianna comforted her.

“I hope so…” she mumbled.

------------------------------ 

*Rebecca’s POV*

It was four hours after the end of the race, and night was beginning to fall. Minho still hadn’t returned. The boys, along with the manager, had broken up into groups and gone out looking for him. Onew searched with Taemin while Jonghyun and the manager teamed up. The manager had encouraged Brianna and Key to go along to their hotel, ensuring them that he’d send word as soon as Minho was found. Carolyn, Annie, Nicole and I went back to Minho’s and Nicole’s campsite to wait for the boys.

“It’s been three hours since the boys started searching, and not one of them is back yet,” I said worriedly.

“I’m sure they’ll be back soon,” Annie said, but I could hear the worry in her voice.

I looked across the fire pit to where Nicole sat, wrapped in Carolyn’s arms. Nicole had held strong for a while, but finally couldn’t take it any longer and broke down. When Carolyn immediately went to comfort her I was slightly surprised.

Since when were those two so close?

I was glad Carolyn reacted that way though. I felt really bad for Nicole. If somebody hadn’t comforted her, I eventually would have.

I felt a vibrating in my pocket. I only had one bar, but it was better than nothing.

Brianna: Any sign of Minho yet?

Me: No. None of the boys have returned. We’re still waiting anxiously. I’ll let you know as soon as we hear anything.

Brianna: How are you doing? Like, with Onew still out there…

Me: I’m fine, just… worried.

Brianna: He’ll be back before you know it. Just hang in there.

Me: How’s the hotel?

Brianna: It’s nice. The jacuzzi room is amazing. That’s where we are right now.

Me: Careful you don’t get your phone wet!

Brianna: Haha, I won’t sachon! Let me know when the boys get back!

Me: Will do! Hugs and kisses!

Brianna: Hugs and kisses!

I shut my phone, along with my eyes.

Wherever you are Onew, please be safe. I need you to come back to me. I need you to know…I love you. 

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~