Karaoke

A Fangirl's Dream

*Onew’s POV*

Five days left now. We went on dates during that fifth to last day, seeing as Vanessa would be back that evening so it was the last time just the ten of us would be together.

I took Rebecca to the chicken restaurant I’d brought her to on our first date so long ago. We ordered the same thing and sat at the same table. However, our conversation was very different.

“So, this is our last date I guess,” Rebecca said. She’d barely touched her chicken, and I’d only had a piece or two of mine. The reality of the situation was taking its toll on us.

“Yeah,” I sighed. “But let’s not think about that! Let’s use this date to continue to make more good memories! I want to make every last day with you count.”

I reached across the table and took her hand in mine. It reminded me of how, on our first date, I had been so nervous. I’d wanted to hold her hand, but I was too chicken to do so. Now my only want was to be with this girl for all my life.

“Alright oppa,” she looked up at me with a forced smile that broke my heart. But I hid my sorrow and tried to think of something fun we could talk about.

“Hey! You never did sing for me,” I pointed out with a smirk.

“Oh oppa, I can’t-,”

“You can! And you will!”

“Onewwww!” Rebecca laughed as I pulled her from the table and out of the restaurant. “Onew, where are you taking me?”

I hurried down the sidewalk, pulling Rebecca along with me until we reached the place I’d seen earlier.

“A bar? I’m under aged-,”

“Not just any bar; it’s a karaoke bar!” I smiled as I pulled her inside.

“Onew-,” She stopped to look around the room.

It was smoky inside the dimly lit place. People of all different kinds sat at the bar, while others sat around table playing cards, smoking, or just talking. I hadn’t realized how creepy it was seeing as I’d never been here before. I kind of regretted bringing Rebecca there, but it was too late to turn back.

“Onew, someone’s going to realize I’m too young and kicked us out,” Rebecca whispered as an old, scruffy guy walked by.

“Shhh,” I purred softly in her ear. “Nobody will know. You’re mature for your age. Anyway, we’re only here so you can sing and then we’re leaving.”

“Sing?! Oppa I can’t! There are so many people!”

“I’ll do it with you. Come on!”

I dragged her to the back of the room where the karaoke stage was. After looking through the songs I finally found one that Rebecca said she knew and for it to be played. When the music started I was surprised to hear country music come blaring through the sound system.

“Onew, I can’t-,”

“You’ll do great!” I gave her a thumbs-up and a big cheesy smile before stepping off the stage, leaving her in the spotlight.

“I’m gonna kill you,” she whispered after me.

“Later,” I winked. “Just sing!”

*Rebecca’s POV*

What the heck?! How am I supposed to do this! I can’t believe Onew did this to me. There will be some major payback in store for him!

I knew that the singing part of the song was about to come up without looking at the screen with the lyrics. Carrie Underwood had always been my idol and I knew all of her songs forwards and backwards by heart.

I took a deep breath and began to sing, “Right now, he’s probably slow dancing with a bleach blonde tramp and she’s probably gettin thirsty.”

I was as stiff as a board. All eyes were on me and I could see that people weren’t taking me seriously. That had been something I’d hated all my life. People always thought I was average or never listened when I tried to say something. I don’t know if it was that, or the fact that Onew was looking up at me with expectant eyes, but I began to put effort into my singing and loosen up.

“Right now, he’s probably buying her some fruity little drink cause she can’t shoot whiskey. Right now, he’s probably up behind her with a pool stick showing her how to shoot a combo... and he don’t know…”

I finally let my inner performer go, becoming totally immersed in the music and my performance. Singing my heart out I worked the stage. People began to surround the raised platform and cheer. This only helped me to keep going.

“That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up four wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats. Took a Louisville slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all four tires. Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats.”

(If you guys don’t know the song, here’s the link. Carrie Underwood has always been my idol in real life, and she’s about the other non-Kpop singer I listen to anymore. This was the first song I’d ever heard from her: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaSy8yy-mr8&ob=av2n).

“Maybe next time he’ll think… before he cheats.” When the song ended the whole bar roared in applause. I looked down in front of the stage to see Onew smiling like crazy and cheering for me. I smiled at him and jumped up and down in excitement.

Suddenly something caught my eye. Up in the front part of the bar was a man talking to a police officer. My eyes widened when the man pointed back toward me. That’s when I knew we’d been found out.

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~