Dancing Date with Taemin

A Fangirl's Dream

*Taemin’s POV*

“We’re hereeeeee,” I said lively as I jumped out of the now parked limo.

Just because I didn’t have Brianna with me, didn’t mean I couldn’t still be happy! I would see her when we got back to the dorms anyway.

I skipped over to the ordering window, Carolyn following close behind.

“You can order first,” I said cutely.

“Our first date is at an ice cream shop?” she asked me in complete disappointment; almost disgust.

“Yes! Ice cream is the best!”

She gave me the Okay-Whatever-You-Say look and began to scan the list of flavors.

“If we’re going to make a date out of this, how about we at least share a sundae like couples do,” she suggested.

“But-,”

“We’ll have a hot fudge sundae with M&Ms and Reese’s; no cherry please, with extra whip cream.” She cut me off by placing our order.

A girl who knows what she wants; I see. No wonder she and Key got along so well!

We took our sundae and sat down at a picnic table under a big oak tree. I immediately dug into the rich, creamy, milky goodness, crunching down on the chocolates I had scooped up with it. Before I had even swallowed I went back for another bite.

“Jeez, slow down,” Carolyn scolded me as she scooped up a little bit of each thing from the sundae to get all the flavors.

My ice cream!

It took all my strength not to take the sundae and run away with it. I hated sharing, ESPECIALLY ice cream.

I noticed she had a little bit of ice cream on her chin. I reached over to wipe it off, but she pulled back.

“Gosh Taemin, you can’t just touch people like that! Just tell me something’s on my face next time!”

Well what’s with her sour mood?

I tried to think of a way to cheer her up. Finally it came to me.

“Want me to dance for you?”

She looked up at me strangely, as if she’d never heard the word before.

“Um, okay,” she finally replied.

I got up and did a little bit of freestyle (http://www.deviantart.com/download/256357990/taemin_dance_by_tokinhafujoshi-d48mn3a.gif).

*Carolyn’s POV*

Wow!

This guy was no joke; he was actually pretty good!

“How do you do that?” I asked, amazed, after he finished his mini performance, which was followed by a small round of applause by bystanders.

Taemin bowed cutely and waved to them, making all the noonas sigh and hold their hearts.

“I was just kind of born with it,” he answered, sitting back down at our table, not hesitating to dig right back into our big bowl of ice cream.

I looked up at him shyly. Seeing that side of him had totally changed my perspective. Sure he was childish and sometimes annoying, but when he wanted to be, he could look really mature and… gosh I can’t believe I’m saying this… y! I looked up at him, but I didn’t see the little boy I’d seen just a few minutes ago. Instead, I saw a sweet, handsome young man.

“What?” Taemin asked, causing me to realize that I’d been staring at him for the past minute.

“Oh, um, nothing,” I answered. I could feel my cheeks flushing bright red.

*Taemin’s POV*

What happened to her?

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~