Painful First Date

A Fangirl's Dream

*Jonghyun’s POV*

“Aw mah gawsh! I can’t believe you brought me here Jonghyun! I loooooove shopping soooo much!” She grabbed my hand. I tried to slip away, but her grasp was too strong. The more I struggled, the harder she squeezed.

I had chosen the mall for two reasons: 1. There were lots of hot girls at the mall. 2. Nicole liked shopping and I wouldn’t have to be with her the whole time when she went in her girly stores. But, now I was with Vanessa…

“Oh my gosh, it’s Charlotte Russe; my favorite store!” she screamed as she dragged me toward it.

“Woah, wait; what are you doing?!” I exclaimed as she pulled me into the store.

“What do you mean?” She turned around and looked at me, confused.

“I am NOT going in this store.”

“Of course you are! You have to tell me what looks good and what doesn’t!” With that she pulled me in and sat me down in a chair outside the dressing rooms.

“Make sure he doesn’t run away, okay?” She told the lady working the dressing rooms, who just smiled and nodded.

I sat with my arms crossed and a pout on my face. I still couldn’t believe I’d paired up with this psycho. It just wasn’t fair!

Suddenly my attention was captured by a tall, thin, dark haired beauty searching through the clothing rack a few feet away from me. I looked her up and down, admiring everything about her. When she noticed me staring, she looked me up and down, then smiled. I winked at her, making her blush. Just as she began walking toward me…

“HOW DO I LOOK?!” Vanessa shouted, posing wildly as she jumped out of the dressing room.

The dark haired girl gave me the Ewe-You’re-THAT-Desperate?! look, then walked away. I opened my mouth to say something, but suddenly Vanessa’s was standing right in front of my face.

“Hellooooo?! I asked you how I looked!”

She had on the weirdest, craziest outfit I had ever seen. Everything about it was ugly, including her.

“Oh, yeah, totally hot,” I rolled my eyes.

“Oh my gosh, Jonghyun thinks I look hot! Oh my gosh I’m buying this!!!!”

She ran back into the dressing room and changed quickly. I purchased the ugly pieces of cloth for her, then we left; onto the next terrible adventure.

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~