Oh, She's Back!

A Fangirl's Dream

*Annie’s POV*

“Who’s Vanessa?” I asked. A chill ran down my spine at the sound of this mystery girl’s name. Even though I didn’t know who she was, I already didn’t like her.

“I need to sit down,” Jonghyun said, shaking his head as he carefully took a seat of the shingled roof.

I sat down next to him and hugged his arm. “Can you please tell me?” I asked, restign my chin on his shoulder.

“She was the girl I was assigned to before you,” he said forwardly.

“Oh…” My heart sank. “Do you still have feelings for her?” I prayed he wouldn’t say ‘yes.’ I couldn’t bare the thought, especially after all we’d just confessed.

He looked at me with wild eyes. I sat back, unsure of what he was going to do.

“Of course I still have feelings for her! Feelings of hate and disgust and FEAR! She’s a stalker! She practically tried to me!”

I winced at the word.

“Sorry,” he sighed. “I’m just…” He looked up at the stars, then back down at me. “I can deal with her. I made it once, I can do it again. I’m just worried about you.”

“Me?” I asked in surprise. “Omo… is she bi-”

“Oh, no; at least… as far as I know she’s not! But I’m worried about you because she’s a psycho. If she finds out that you and I are an item, I don’t know what she’ll do.”

“Jjong,” I laughed, taking hold of his hand. “Don’t worry about me. I can take care of myself.”

“She’s more crazy than she sounds. I don’t know if you understand what you’re getting yourself into-,”

“Jonghyun,” I cut him off, looking deep into his eyes. “Everything is going to be okay. Let’s just enjoy the time we have together now.” I leaned my head against his shoulder and snuggled closer to him. He wrapped an arm around me and we spent the night painting pictures in the sky.

*Onew’s POV*

“Choesonghamnida,” I apologized when my phone began to go off in the middle of our movie. I slipped my arm from around Rebecca to flip open my phone. The text message was such a shock I almost fell off the couch.

“Easy there tiger,” Rebecca laughed, helping me steady myself. She patted me on the chest as I sat back down in a daze. “What is it?”

“I just got a text from the manager. Vanessa’s coming back!”

Rebecca turned to face me, wide-eyed. Nicole let out on “Oh my GAWSH” and smacked Minho in the chest to wake him up. Taemin and Carolyn stopped giggling at whatever cute thing the maknae was doing at the time and slowly faced me. Key and Brianna must’ve been too into what they were doing to hear me, because they just continued making out together in the big squishy chair they were sitting in.

“I said…” I cleared my throat. “VANESSA’S COMING BACK!”

Key and Brianna heard me this time and froze, their lips still smashed together. They slowly pulled away from each other to look at me in disbelief.

“Give me that phone!” Key shouted, leaping up to grab the phone out of my hand; practically knocking Brianna to the floor while doing so.

Key scanned over the message again and again and again, his face dropping a little more with each read. He gave the phone back to me and sat down on the chair, taking Brianna in his lap again.

*Key’s POV*

We all sat in silence, staring blankly at the television screen.

“Well at least that Annie will now understand what it feels like to have someone try to steal your man from you,” Brianna whispered in my ear.

“No,” I turned to face her, wearing a concerned expression. “That’s the BAD part! If Vanessa ends up driving a wedge between Annie and Jonghyun, Annie might come after me again.”

I felt Brianna’s muscles tease for a moment before she leaned her head back down against my chest.

“Well we’re just not going to let that happen then; are we?”

“No we’re not,” I whisper-agreed, squeezing her hand.

I still couldn’t help being worried, however. Living in the same house as one girl I hated was bad enough, but now with two? I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it these last five days. I guess it was only right that Vanessa got a chance to visit again before we left since she won the contest in the first place and everything, but it still didn’t make me like the situation.

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~