A Lot Happening In One Chapter

A Fangirl's Dream

*Key’s POV*

Brianna fell down on top of me, both of us panting heavily. Our sweaty bodies moved together with our breathing as if we were the same person. I slipped my arms around her body and pulled her next to me, snuggling close to her. I reached down and pulled the blankets over top of us and she gazed lovingly at me.

“Saranghae Key,” she whispered, playing with the hair on the back of my neck which was now dampened with sweat. 

“Saranghae,” I smiled back, kissing her forehead.

“The storm stopped and the power’s back on,” she pointed out. I hadn’t even noticed, but when I saw light coming in from under the door I knew she was right.

“Yeah, I guess it is,” I smiled. Light was now shining in through the bedroom windows, enabling me to see Brianna’s beautiful face and causing my heart to flutter. “What time do you think it is; four o’clock?”

“At the latest.”

“Well for the record,” I said, running my hand down her face. “That was the best storm I’ve ever lived through.”

“Shut up,” she laughed, rolling her eyes.

“Many more to come?”

She stared at me for a moment with a serious look, then smiled. “Yes Key, many more to come; just you and me.”

*Nicole’s POV*

“Nicole just let me talk to you,” Minho called through my closed and locked door. I’d finally decided that just not answering was the best decision for me.

To be honest I still had major feelings for Minho. The fact that he’d gotten over me so quickly broke my heart. What scared me even more was that it was Rebecca he’d gone after. What if he never did stop liking her and start liking me? What if it had been her the whole time?

I shook my head and plugged in my earphones, cranking heavy metal into my ears. Heavy metal typically isn’t my choice of music, but when I’m angry or trying not to cry it’s like a lifesaver. I imagined the bass in the background was the sound of me kicking Minho is his manhood over and over again.

Dylan: Hey

I hadn’t seen that name in so long. I stared at my laptop screen for a minute, debating on whether or not to answer the facebook message.

Me: Yes?

I took a deep breath, nervous about what he would say.

Dylan: I miss you. My heart has been lonely with you gone.

Me: Don’t you mean your bed?

Dylan: I was getting there ;)

Me: What do you want?

Dylan: I want you back. Now that you’re little dating game with those Asians is over we can put all our time into each other… if you know what I mean(;

Me: What makes you think that I’d want to be with you again?

Dylan: Just think about that night after senior prom

Dylan:  The one after my brother’s college graduation party

Dylan: That one after my 19thbirthday

Me: Okay I get the point! But what makes you think I want to still do all that? What if I’ve changed?

Dylan: Hahaha, you still have that sense of humor

Me: I’m serious.

Dylan: Wow, what have those Asians done to you? You’re so lame now.

I froze. Had I become lame from hanging out with cute boys? Did SHINee soften me up? This couldn’t be happening!

Me: I’m just kidding; jeez take a joke?! When I get home we’ll have our own party… just you and me.

Dylan: I can’t wait >:)

Me: You’re so bad.

Dylan: But you like it

I rolled my eyes and went offline. Guilt began to wash over me. Can I really get back with Dylan while I’m still in love with Minho? Oh of course I can! He was with me while he was still in love with Rebecca! It was settled. I was no longer Minho’s. I was the Nicole I used to be and there was no stopping it. Parties, boys, money… here I come!

*Minho’s POV*

“Nicole, please?!” I pounded on the door, but there was still no answer. After another minute of pounding I finally gave up, resting my head against the solid, wooden door.

I have no one. The hyungs and Taemin are obviously still mad at me. I could’ve fought for Nicole, but instead I totally ruined all chances of ever being with her again. Why didn’t I just tell her that we were staying as a couple whether she liked it or not? Why didn’t I take control? I’m the man! Aigoo… this vacation .

I slapped my hand against the door in anger and stomped away, my destination being the backyard. My anger had to escape my body somehow, and soccer was always the perfect solution. Thankfully there was a tall brick wall surrounding the far side of the garden. I brought the ball over to that spot and began taking goal shots at the wall, putting in all my strength. It was still raining, but I didn’t care. The droplets mixed with my tears, hiding the evidence.

I looked at the ball a little ways in front of me, took my approach, and slammed it with all my force. Unfortunately the ground was muddy so I slipped and fell. I lay there in the mud, raindrops speckling my face.

“Is there any reason to get up?” I asked myself out loud. “I’ve lost everything. No one cares about me anymore. Why should I bother getting up when I’ll only fall again? No; I’ll just sulk here in my misery until I have something worth while in my life.”

I closed my eyes and felt the rain cover my muddy body. I was below rock bottom and there was no digging my way out. My body began to relax as I drifted into a world of nightmares.

----------------------------- 

“Is he going to be okay?” “Say something, please!” “Hyung look at me!” “Can you hear me?” “We need to get him on oxygen.”

My eyes fluttered open enough to see people all around me. Some were familiar faces like my hyungs, Taemin and the girls, while others were of people in scrubs.

What are all these voices? Where am I? I’m moving I can feel it. Why can’t I breathe? Omo what’s happening?! I can’t breathe!

Panic overtook my body. I sat straight up and began looking around. I tried to speak but no words would form. Everything was a blur and I was seeing double.

“Calm him down!” “Omo Minho!” “What’s happening to him?!” “Get some fluids in him!” “Where’s that oxygen?!”

I felt someone lay me back down and put a mask over my face. It became evident that I actually could breathe; it was just very shallow and weak. After a few rushed breaths my eyes closed and I was out again.

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~