The Challenge

A Fangirl's Dream

*Jonghyun’s POV*

“Annie?” I called from my tent.

The sun must’ve been up for a while now because my tent had grown very hot. I ped the door and crawled out into the daylight.

“Annie?” I called again.

“Good morning sleeping beauty!” I looked over to the picnic table to see her reading a magazine. “I’ve been up for three hours now!”

“What time is it?” I asked groggily as I took a seat next to her.

“Eleven o’clock!”

“Ughhhh, can’t I sleep for a little longer?”

“No!” she stated, slapping her magazine down on the table. “We’re meeting the other groups for some activity thing that your manager planned.”

“What kind of activity?” I asked in a whiny voice.

“Now how am I supposed to know that? Just make sure to wear your hiking shoes!”

“Ughhh…”

 “Quit your complaining,” she slapped my arm. “There’s some milk for cereal in the cooler, along with cream cheese if you want a bagel. I’m going to go finish getting ready. Hurry up and eat so we can go!”

“Yes ma’am!” I saluted her.

She rolled her eyes at me, but I just smiled. She was more of a noona than a dongsaeng, but that was okay with me. I liked noonas!

*Minho’s POV*

We all stood in a circle around the manager, waiting to hear our mission. I struggled to hold in my laughter as I eyed Nicole’s outfit (http://s3.thisnext.com/media/largest_dimension/7B9EEAFD.jpg). The worst part about it was that she had matched it with a set of silver one inch heels.

“I hope you all brought your bandanas with you,” the manager began, “because those will be representing your team colors!”

“This really is like Survivor!” Brianna exclaimed, clinging to Key’s arm and jumping up and down.

“You and your partner will be working together to win each day’s competition. Now, since we’ll only be out here for three nights, there will only be three challenges. Your goal for today? Find and collect as many tie-dye flags as you can! This is what they look like.” He held one up for us all to see. (http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ2A6OJj29Hh1boOkyviKOrTmbLFaS3Ies1zNd8Jx2UIeivnubljGuzdO4UHw). “They are hidden within a three mile radius of this spot. You have two hours to search. You will each receive a timer. If both you and your partner aren’t back by the time time runs out, your group will be disqualified.”

I got this in the bag- …oh crap.

I was feeling confident, until I remembered who my partner was.

*Carolyn’s POV*

“We got this!” Taemin whispered in my ear, sending chills down my spine.

“Any questions?” asked the manager.

“What’s the prize for today?!” Key piped up.

“I was wondering when someone was going to ask that!” A smile spread across the manager’s face. “The couple that comes in with the most flags today will get to spend tonight in a hotel. Yes, the hotel has a pool, jacuzzi room, sauna, and RUNNING WATER.”

“We are winning this!!!!” Key screamed. “Quick, let’s just start!”

“Okay, every starts with their hand on the big tree right here,” the manager said, motioning to the tree. “It is directly in the center.”

We all hurried over to the tree.

“On your marks…” I got in ready position, Taemin by my side, “Get set…” he shot me a quick smile, “GO!” and we were off. 

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~