Noticable Problems

A Fangirl's Dream

*Brianna’s POV*

“Oof!” I giggled as I dove onto the bed next to my shining diva.

“Don’t hurt yourself, silly goose!” he laughed. I pushed myself up off my stomach and crawled over into his open arms.

“So what movie are we watching?” I questioned while snuggling up against his body and giving his cheek a gentle kiss.

“Well,” he began rocking us back and forth, “we both like dancing, so I decided on a dancing movie: Step Up?”

“Omo I love that movie!”

“Good,” he smiled and pressed play.

We watched the credits in silence until I finally mentioned what had been on my mind.

“Key?”

“Yes, yebo?”

“Did you notice anything wrong with Rebecca and Minho; like, after the zoo tour?”

He looked down at me questionably, “No; but then again I don’t really pay much attention to them. You’re all I see.” He gave me little butterfly kisses on my cheek and down my neck.

“Aww, Key,” I turned to kiss his lips and play with his soft blonde hair. “You’re so good to me. But seriously, I think something happened. Rebecca was oddly quiet and Minho seemed kind of distant.”

“I’m sure whatever it is they’ll work it out,” he smiled, caressing my cheek. “Let’s just watch the movie and be happy.”

“Okay Key,” I sighed, turning in his lap to face the TV again. “I hope you’re right.”

------------------------------- 

Third to last day.

*Onew’s POV*

I watched Rebecca all through breakfast. She laughed and joked around with the rest of us, but I could see something in her eyes and I knew something was off. I noticed Minho was abnormally quiet as well. My mind began to race and I decided it was time to talk to her.

Once breakfast was over Rebecca was gone before I could say a word. I found her sitting on the low wall surrounding the side balcony on the left wing of the house. Her skirt hung down casually and it was honestly a beautiful picture, except for the fact that she was writing something in a binder feverishly. I watched for a few seconds longer before finally deciding to take my approach.

“Hey,” I said softly, walking toward the sweet girl I loved calling mine. She didn’t respond. I knew that when she was writing she’d go off in her own little world, but this was really scaring me. Usually she snapped out of it just when I walked in the room. I took a step closer, only to see a tear slipping down her cheek.

“R-,”

At that moment the pen exploded all over her, along with her white blouse, skirt and writing.

“Are you frickin kidding?!” she shouted in anger, whipping the pen off the balcony. Her hands came up to her face as she began to cry, covered in an inky mess.

“Yebo,” I said, hurrying to her side. “What’s wrong?”

She didn’t answer. I tried to pull her hands away from her face, but she wouldn’t let me.

“Rebecca,” I said more sternly this time. She finally gave in and lowered her hands. Her face was covered in tears and ink. “Tell me what’s going on.”

“T-t-the pen just exploded that’s all,” she said, trying to calm her tears.

“No; I mean what’s reallyyyy going on? Something’s been off since yesterday. I came out to find you writing like mad. I know you Rebecca. I know that you like to keep your emotions bottled up. You express your sadness and anger through writing. Express it through speaking to me right now. Please. I want to help you.”

“Onew… iiiiit’s not that easy. Really, everything is fine. You don’t have to worry about me,” she said, resting her hand on my shoulder. I could see more tears hiding behind her eyes.

I engulfed her in a close embrace, not caring about the inky mess. I did this partly because I loved her and hated seeing her like this, and partly because I knew giving attention to her when she was sad would only make her cry more, which would hopefully lead to an explanation. Plan turnout? Successful!

“Jinkiii,” she sobbed into my arms. “I’m a terrible person!”

“What? No! You’re not a terrible person!” I said, totally confused by now.

“Yes, I am. I play with peoples’ hearts.”

“Rebecca,” I said, pulling away to look at her stained face. I was about ready to cry now. “You mean, you don’t love me?”

“Onew!” she cried, taking my face in her hand and kissing my lips. “I love you so much! Don’t you ever say that!”

“But what do you mean-,”

“Minho.” It was one word; one name. It was a name I’d heard so many times. A name I laughed with, shared memories with, lived with. But in that moment, it was a name I despised.

“What did he do to you? Or, what did you do to him?”

“He still loves me Onew. I don’t know why… I don’t want him to! Yet here I am being me and he still has feelings for me. Don’t you see?! In the beginning I liked him too, but then I met you and I… you’re everything Onew. He’s not what I want. I’ll always want you,” she whispered the last part.

“Yebo, that’s not your fault. People’s feelings change and it’s just something we all have to accept. You have every reason to not have feelings for Minho anymore. He cheated on you! He slept with another girl behind your back! You deserve better than him and he knows it. He’s just trying to put the blame on you and make you feel guilty so he can have you again. Please don’t go back.” I slipped my arms around her shaking body and kissed her cheek. “Stay with me."

“I’ll always stay with you Jinki,” she whispered, brushing a hand across my face. “I’m yours Onew. I’m yours now and forever.”

Our lips met in a long, slow kiss. We pulled away in small smiles, glad that everything was okay between us now, though we still needed to talk with Minho. However, we were snapped out of our little world at the sound of someone in the doorway. We turned to Jonghyun standing there, fists clenched angrily.

“Minho tried to break you two up?”

“Jonghyun, don’t worry about it-,” I tried to say, but he’d already his heels and went storming into the mansion.

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~