Onew Sangtae

A Fangirl's Dream

*Onew’s POV*

“Come on, this way Oppa!” Rebecca shouted, taking my hand and pulling me along as we ran into the woods.

She was so excited for this challenge, but I couldn’t help being distracted by how cute she looked. Her curly ponytail swished back and forth as she ran ahead of me through the woods. I was so caught up in her aegyo that I totally didn’t notice the branch right in front of me.

*SMACK!*

Suddenly I was on my back, staring up at the trees above.

Owww my head-

“Jinki!” Suddenly Rebecca was at my side. “Are you okay?”

She never calls me Jinki. I like it though…

“Uh, yeah, I’m fine,” I answered sitting up.

“Here let me help you up.”

She offered me her hand which I took. Unfortunately I was a little too strong for her. I pulled on her arm to boost myself off the ground, but instead only managed to send her crashing down on top of me.

*Rebecca’s POV*

I was face to face with Onew now. His hot breath mixed with mine as we both exhaled, causing me to shudder.

“Are you cold?” he asked, looking up at me with those beautiful almond eyes.

My mouth opened, but no words came out. Instead I just shook my head. I watched to stay in that moment forever. His soft lips were right in front of me, begging to feel mine pressed against them.

You’re lying on top of Onew!

Some voice in the back of my head finally snapped me back to reality.  I blushed when I realized our situation.

“Sorry, oppa,” I said, pulling myself off of him.

“No, I’m sorry,” he said, standing up.

“Um, let’s keep looking, okay?” I suggested, trying to change the subject.

Things were getting awkward again. As much as I hated when things got awkward between us, it only made me fall for him harder. He had all the qualities of my dream boy: funny, sweet, cute, awkward, down-to-earth, loves chicken, even almond eyes…

“There’s one!” Onew shouted, once again bringing me out of another daze

I followed his finger to see a tie-dye flag tied to a tree just ahead.

“Come on!” he ran toward the tree. I followed closely behind.

We were almost there when…

“It’s ours!”

Minho appeared out of nowhere! He snatched the flag right before Onew could take it.

“Hey, we saw it first!” Onew complained.

“Sorry hyung. I guess you just should’ve been faster,” Minho smirked before running off.

“W-wait for me!” Nicole panted, chasing after him in her silver heels.

“Sorry Rebecca,” Onew said turning toward me. “I should’ve been faster. I guess I’m just not as athletic as Minho.”

“It’s okay Oppa,” I smiled and took his hand. “There are plenty of other flags! Let’s go find some and show all those other teams up!”

“What does that mean?”

I stopped, then laughed as I turned to look at him.

“It’s an expression saying we’re going to beat all the other teams by a lot and make them jealous,” I explained.

I had almost forgotten that English was only the boys’ second language. They spoke it so well!

“Oh. Let’s head this way,” Onew suggested, pointing in the direction.

“Whatever you say Captain Jinki!” I saluted him.

He laughed and we ran off into the woods; still hand in hand. 

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~