A Race to the Finish

A Fangirl's Dream

*Onew’s POV*

“How much time do we have left?” Rebecca asked.

We’d been so caught up in our search I hadn’t checked the time in a while.

“Twenty minutes,” I answered calmly.

“OMO! We only have twenty minutes to get back to the tree?!” Rebecca gasped. “Come on! We’re going to have to run!”

She took me by the hand and pulled me in the direction of the ‘finish line’.

“Come on Oppa!” she shouted over her shoulder.

Aigoo, she’s so cute like this.

I began to run. We ran along side each other, hand in hand, through the woods; ducking under branches and around trees.

“There’s no way we’re going to make it back!” I laughed.

“You underestimate your own abilities Oppa,” she smiled at me, putting on an extra burst of speed.

*Brianna’s POV*

I gasped in relief as Key and I stepped into the clearing where the big tree was.

“Come on yebo! Almost there!” Key shouted, practically pulling me the rest of the way to the tree.

We plopped down underneath the tree next to Carolyn and Nicole.

“Where’s Minho and Taemin?” I panted.

“They told us to just chill here while they searched,” Carolyn explained.

“And you couldn’t have suggested that to me Key?” I asked, turning to face my boy.

“Hey I thought you liked running through the woods with me,” he pouted.

“Of course I did my sweet diva,” I breathed, kissing him on the cheek.

He smiled and clapped his hands together cutely, making me giggle.

Tae was the next to show up, followed by Jonghyun and Annie not long after.

“Where are Rebecca, Onew and Minho?” Jonghyun asked

“I don’t know…” I answered, feeling slightly worried.

“One minute left!” announced the manager who had finally woken up. “Remember if both members of the team aren’t across the finish line when time runs out, the whole team is eliminated.”

“Come on Minho!” I heard Nicole mumble under her breath.

“Thirty seconds!” shouted the manager.

“Look! I see something it’s…. It’s Rebecca and Onew! It’s Rebecca and Onew!” shouted Taemin.

“Hurry guys, thirty seconds!” I shouted.

*Rebecca’s POV*

“Onew,” I panted. “I’m tired. I don’t think I can-,”

“You’re not quitting on us that easy!”

Before I knew it Onew had scooped me up in his arms. He was running at full speed while carrying me.

“Oppa!” I shouted.

“Hold on tight,” he demanded.

I did as he said, closing my eyes.

“Five, four, three, two…”

Onew and I touched the tree just as everyone shouted, “One!”

Onew set me down, only to be embraced by my giant hug.

“Yay!! We did it Oppa!” I exclaimed.

He picked me up and spun me around, making me giggle.

“All right love birds, knock it off,” Key rolled his eyes. “Who won?!”

We immediately pulled away, both of us trying to hide our bright red faces.

“Well, Minho isn’t back yet, so the blue team is automatically disqualified,” stated the manager.

“Aw man!” Nicole pouted.

“Let’s count up these flags while we wait, shall we?” 

Like this story? Give it an Upvote!
Thank you!
Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

You must be logged in to comment
EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~