What's Wrong With Me?

A Fangirl's Dream

*Onew’s POV*

Fourth to last day.

We were all surprised by the space that Vanessa was giving Jonghyun and Annie. She rarely even looked at Jjong now! I was happy for the two of them, but angry at the same time. Now that Vanessa wasn’t bothering them, she decided to make me her main target.

“Onewie! Come swimming with Nessie!” Vanessa grabbed my arm and made puppy eyes at me.

“Um, but I’m having a conversation with Rebecca,” I said calmly.

“Aw, but she can wait! I know you want to swim!”

I looked over at Rebecca who gave me a helpless look. She had been so patient through this. Well, at first I thought it was patience, but then I began to remember how shy she really was. She wasn’t the type to argue or tell someone off. Normally she’d just sit there and take what criticism and disappointment people gave her. Because I was like this too, defending ourselves from Vanessa didn’t work too well.

“But Vanessa-,”

“Ah, there’s life in this big old mansion!” the manager cut me off, stepping out onto the porch and closing the sliding screen door.

Aigoo, saved by the manager!

“Annyeong!” Vanessa jumped up and hugged him. “Aren’t you proud that I’m learning your language? I’m getting really good huh?!”

“Um, sure,” the manager said in an Oh-My-Gosh-Get-Away-From-Me-You-Weirdo voice. “But the reason why I’m here is because I have something planned for you all today.”

“Well Jonghyun, Minho, and Annie are all still sleeping. Nicole went for a jog, and Taemin and Carolyn ran down to the store to get more banana milk,” Key piped up from the picnic table across the patio where he and Brianna were sharing the nice fruit salad he had prepared.

“Well for goodness sakes, it’s already ten o’clock! Someone go wake up those lazy bums. We’ll wait until Nicole, Taemin and Carolyn get back before I tell you the plans. I suggest the rest of you start getting ready.”

“I’ll go wake them up,” Rebecca said, getting up from the deck chair she was sitting in after book marking the page of her book. Her bookmark was a picture of us that I’d given her a while back. Every time I saw it a smile would involuntarily sneak across my face.

*Rebecca’s POV*

I skipped nonchalantly into the house and up the grand staircase. My first stop was Minho’s bedroom.

“Minho?” I asked, as I slipped inside his room. The shades were still down and his face was buried in his pillows.

I crept over to his bed to see him cuddling a frog plush toy. I guess we never really grow up, huh?

“Minho!” I called, louder this time, giving him a poke.

He groaned once and turned over in his sleep. His face looked like that of a baby’s.

It wasn’t until I’d opened the shades, ripped off his covers and poked him multiple times in the stomach while shouting his name that his eyes finally fluttered open.

“Okay, okay I’m up,” he croaked, stretching out in his bed.

*Minho’s POV*

My eyes fluttered open to see Rebecca standing over me. I didn’t know if it was because I was tired, the way the light was hitting her, or because her hair was down and straightened unlike usual, but she looked oddly pretty.

“Good morning,” I smiled up at her angelic face.

“The manager told me to wake you up. It’s already ten o’clock! He’s got plans for us today,” Rebecca said excitedly.

“For us?” I asked, slightly confused.

“Well, I mean for like all of us; you, me, Nicole, Jonghyun, Key, Carolyn… the whole crew!”

“Oh, okay,” I said.

Okay seriously what’s wrong with me? There’s no way I can actually be attracted to Rebecca right now. I mean, come on! It’s the last, what four days? Rebecca’s and my ‘thing’ was months ago. Nicole is the only girl I’m attracted to. I know! Maybe it’s just my love for her as a friend. Yes! That’s it. Most definitely just as a friend.

“Well, I’ll leave you to get ready then,” Rebecca smiled.

“Um, yeah,” I said, snapping out of my train of thought. “Thanks for waking me up. Sorry it was so difficult.”

“Haha, don’t be sorry,” she laughed. “By the way I love your frog.”

“What? Oh!” I quickly grabbed my plush toy and shoved it under the covers.

Rebecca left the room giggling. I sighed and stared after her.

“Gosh, what the heck it wrong with you Minho?!” I asked myself out loud once she’d left. “Mwo- yaa, like seriously?! Okay, I have to calm down.”

I began pacing back and forth across my room until I realized I still had my frog plush toy in my hand.

“Argh,” I threw it at the wall. “Why was I so embarrassed?! Wait, of course I was embarrassed! Who wouldn’t be if someone saw them with a frog plush toy? And she only looked pretty because of the way the sunlight hit her. I bet it was part of a plan! She did open the shades after all. Yes, that’s it! She isn’t satisfied with Onew and wants to make me like her. Well ha! The joke is on her because I’m already in love with Nicole. So there!”

I suddenly stopped walking and looked around the empty room. “Aigoo, what am I doing?” I laughed at myself for being so silly and hurried to get ready for the day.

Nicole is the girl for me. Nicole, Nicole, Nicole… “We’re going to have to break up, so we need to start now.” Nicole’s words echoed in the back of my mind. Am I trying to find someone to fill the gap in my heart?

I stood in the shower for a while, watching the water and soap wash everything down the drain. However, no matter how hard I scrubbed my body, that question stuck with me. Am I trying to find someone to fill the gap in my heart? Am I falling in love with Rebecca to help myself get over Nicole?

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~