It's Over

A Fangirl's Dream

*Carolyn’s POV*

I wonder why Taemin hasn’t texted me in a while. Oh, well duh; he’s probably in the middle of his photo shoot. I laughed at myself for worrying so much and flicked through the channels on the flat screen TV mounted on the wall across from me. Being stuck in this hospital really , but the TV and getting fussed over was kind of nice for a change.

*Buzzzzzz*

There he is. I smiled to myself as I grabbed my phone from the little table next to me. However, when I flipped open to message I was surprised to see that it was from Brianna. I opened the message which made me instantly smile. The picture was truly adorable and the text was so sweet:

Hope you’re feeling better Carolyn! We miss you bunches!

I scrolled back up to look at the picture again. However, as I looked, my smile began to fade. My eyes had caught sight of something in the background. It was Taemin. He looked truly adorable, except for the fact that he was holding another girl in his arms, looking into her eyes, and smiling.

I sat there staring at the picture for at least ten minutes until I finally could take it any longer. Slamming my phone shut, I smashed it down on the table next to me. I grabbed one of the pillows I was using and threw it across the room, grunt/shouting as I did so. A nurse came running in to see what was has happened, but I wouldn’t talk to her. I just sat there staring straight ahead with my arms crossed.

That frickin little worm! He up to me by saying ‘Oh I’ll pay for her medical bills’ and then takes advantage of me being stuck here to go hang out with his other girlfriend?! Ugh! What’s worse, maybe he just met her and was like ‘Oh my girlfriend is nothing to me now because she’s stuck in the hospital. Maybe I’ll use you now.’ Oh, that frickin lying, cheating poo bag!

A little while later I got a text from Taemin asking how I was, but I didn’t answer. I received another a few minutes later saying he loved me. Again, I ignored it. When I got to about 20 messages in my inbox I finally couldn’t take it anymore.

*Key’s POV*

“Taemin, eat your noodles,” I directed the maknae after swallowing my bite of lasagna. “And no texting at the table. Taemin?”

We were all practically done our dinners, but Taemin had barely even touched his. He’d been sending messages nonstop to Carolyn, getting worried about how she wasn’t answering. I suggested that she was probably sleeping and the others agreed, but he wouldn’t buy it. Now, when I looked over at him, I saw a tear running down his face.

“Taemin, what’s wrong?” I asked. Everyone at the table stopped eating and turned to stare at fragile boy.

Suddenly he shot up out of his chair, slammed his phone down on the table and ran toward the exit of the restaurant.

“Taemin!” I called after him. Everyone in the restaurant turned to look at me. I apologized and hurried over to where Taemin had been sitting to look at his phone. The message was still open. I glanced over it quickly, gasped, and went running after the brokenhearted boy.

*Brianna’s POV*

“Okay, what just happened?” Nicole asked, breaking the awkward silence that had fallen over our table.

I got up and grabbed the cell phone that held the answers to all our questions. I clicked to the inbox and read the first message out loud.

Carolyn: Just stop it Taemin, okay?! I’m done with you lying to me. I know you don’t care as much as you say you do. I know I’m just a burden to you. Well I’m letting you go now. You don’t have to worry about me anymore. Go have fun in New York with whatever random girl you decide to pick up tonight. Don’t bother coming back to check up on me, though I doubt you would’ve anyway. We’re done.

“What the-,”

“Would anyone like dessert?” the smiling waitress asked as she came over to our table with a pad and pen. We all just stared at her until she got the hint just to walk away.  

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~