I Wanted You Back

A Fangirl's Dream

*Carolyn’s POV*

“So, what do you think?” I asked the doctor.

“You sprained it pretty badly! Thankfully there’s nothing broken, but I’m going to give you a sling until it heals.”

“Ughhh,” I groaned. Now I had to finish this camping trip with a sprained wrist. Wonderful.

*Annie’s POV*

“Well, I’m going to go find the vending machine. I’m starving,” I said as I stood up from my chair in the waiting room.

We all ended up coming to the hospital. We couldn’t finish the competition without the manager there, and there was nothing better to do. Plus, everyone kept saying how they wanted to make sure Carolyn was okay.

I wandered down the halls of the hospital until I finally found a snack machine. I stood in front of it searching over the items for something that wouldn’t make my face break out in pimples.

I noticed someone exiting the bathrooms down the hall and walking toward the vending machine as well. I looked up to find it was Key, but what I saw made me do a double take.

Key looked absolutely GORGEOUS; just like on the day we ‘did it’. I watched as he glided down the hallway and his eyes examined every painting or picture on the wall. His jaw line was so beautiful and gave his face such a nice, smooth look. I LOVED his chubby little chipmunk cheeks. He gave his hair a flip, making my heart do the same. A nurse walked past him and he smiled and nodded at her. That beautiful smile… it was like each second he had that smile on his face, I was deflating. His perfection killed me. It made me want him all over again.

“Oh, hey Annie,” he said solemnly. “Are you done with the snack machine?”

“Oh, um uh,” I snapped back to reality. I need you in my pants!!! “Um, I’m not sure what I want. You go ahead and get whatever,” I smiled, stepping out of the way.

“Thanks.”

I watched from the side and slightly behind as he examined everything in the machine. His body looked so good. His … oh my gosh, it was killing me. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Key,” I took his arm gently and turned him to face me. I stared deeeeep into his eyes.

“Yeah?” he asked with a confused and slightly shocked look on his face.

“Do you ever think about it?” I asked as I brushed the hair out of his face. “That night we…”

“Ugh, I spend my time trying NOT to,” he rolled his eyes and tried to turn back to the machine, but I stopped him. “Annie what are you doing?” Now his eyes were full of question.

“I think about it. I-I think about you… a lot”

“Annie…?” He took a step back, but only succeeded in backing himself into the vending machine. I took a step closer.

“Key,” I put one hand on his shoulder and used the other one to tuck lose strands of hair behind his ear. I proceeded to play with the baby hair in the back of his head. “Don’t you ever think about how good it was?” I whispered in his ear. “We are amazing together.”

He closed his eyes at the sound of my voice in his ear. “I-I…um I- ohhhh,” he sighed as I began giving him sweet butterfly kisses on the neck. A smile appeared across his face.

“We were go- …wait,” he cut himself off, stiffening up. His eyes shot open and he gave me a small push. “This is wrong. What the heck am I doing?! What are YOU doing?! I’m with Brianna and you’re with Jonghyun. That’s the way it is and that’s the way it’s staying.”

*Key’s POV*

“But Key baby…” she pouted with aegyo, taking my hand and swinging it back and forth. “You said it yourself; you think about that night.”

“Don’t call me that!” I ripped my hand away from her. “I only think about it because it was the night that practically ruined my life!”

“What’s going on here?” a voice suddenly asked. We both whipped around to see…

*Brianna’s POV*

I sighed as I walked down the hallway with a bunch of one dollar bills in one hand, and a list of what everybody wanted from the vending machine in the other.

Why do I always end up running the errands like this?

I shrugged and rounded the corner to the hall where one of the nurses said the snack machine was located. What I saw made me stop dead in my tracks.

At the end of the hall were Key and…Annie? Annie was doing something to Key’s neck. Was she KISSING HIM?! My heart tightened up, but relaxed as Key suddenly pushed her away and said something. She pouted and took his hand, but he pulled it away and yelled something. I hurried down the hall toward them and was close enough to hear what they were saying.

“I only think about it because it was the night that practically ruined my life!”

What night? What are they talking about?!

“What’s going on here?” I asked. They both whipped around the look at me. Key’s face softened when he saw it was only me, but then was washed over with a look of panic.

“Brianna whatever you saw it’s not what it looked like. I love-,” he was cut off as Annie suddenly pushed him against the vending machine and began making out with his face.  

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~