Girl Talk

A Fangirl's Dream

*Brianna’s POV*

“Okay, spill.” I sat down on Rebecca’s bed; laying out all the midnight snacks I had stolen from the kitchen.

“Nutella and pretzel rods!” Rebecca shouted as she grabbed the jar and opened the container of pretzels.

I waited until she had one pretzel stick smothered in the rich, creamy hazel spread before urging her again. “What did you need to tell me?”

She bit off a piece of the sweet and salty treat, then looked down at her criss-crossed legs.

“I-I think I’m in love.”

“WHAT?!”

“Shhhh!” she put her hand over my mouth.

“What do you mean you’re in love,” I asked, ripping her hand away from my mouth. “You know that Minho has to be with Nicole now-,”

“It’s not Minho.”

Okay, now I was really confused.

“Well then who the heck is it?”

She looked up at me, too scared to say his name.

“Come on, Rebecca! Have I ever let you down?”

“No…”

“Then tell me!”

“I-i-it’s… Onew…”

“The chicken guy?!”

“Briannaaaaa,” she complained, hiding her face in her pillow.

“Oh my gosh, you really like him don’t you?”

She peaked over the pillow and nodded.

I’d only seen her like this once before. It was three years ago when she was in 7thgrade. She had a secret crush on this 9thgrader for the longest time. One day, the boy asked her to go to their semi-formal dance with him. It kind of came out of nowhere, but she wasn’t about to decline. He told her he’d meet her at the main entrance to the school at 7:00. I remember getting a call at 9:30 to hear her sobbing voice tell me through the line that he hadn’t come. She’d waited two and a half hours for the jerk, and he never came. I later found out that the boy had discovered Rebecca’s secret crush and thought it would be funny to stand her up like that. People were so cruel.

“Rebecca, just be careful. I don’t want you getting hurt like last time.”

“Last time was different! I was little and stupid. Now I’m fifteen! I’m not going to let some boy play me again. I am going to do this the right way and not be too eager. I will wait for him.”

“Aw, you always seem so much older than you really are,” I said, hugging my little sachon. (I know they’re American but we actually do call each other sachon! *Cough* these characters are real people besides Nicole who has my middle name *cough*.)

“But, do you know how old he is?” I asked, pulling out of our hug.

“I didn’t think of that, but he can’t be too old! By his behavior I’d say he’s maybe 18 or 19.”

“Hmmm, I don’t know. You should probably find out before you get too…attached.”

“Well I can’t imagine he’s too much older, or SME wouldn’t have paired me up with him.”

“True… true…” I was still worried. I had seen my dongsaeng’s heart get broken too many times. “What about Minho?”

“Well, I mean, he’s a great guy, but I’d rather just be…”

“Friends?”

“Yeah…” She looked down in sadness. “Is that bad?”

“Well, you can’t really help your feelings. You and Minho weren’t official or anything either. It’s not like you kissed… right?!”

“Haha, no we didn’t kiss.”

“Good!” I said in relief.

The problem with my little sachon was that she fell in love too easily. She was such a loving, giving person that she had a hard time controlling her emotions. When she’d fall in love, she’d love the person with all her heart, just as she would want to be loved. It worried me sometimes. It was almost as if she cared more about other people than herself.

“So what’s the scoop on you and Key?” Rebecca asked, perking up as she changed the subject.

“Ugh; please!” I didn’t even want to hear his name. Just the thought of him disgusted me. “He’s a pain in the .”

“Is it really that bad?”

“Oh, you have no idea. I don’t even want to talk about it,” I said as I opened the bag of Doritos lying on the bed in front of me.

As I crunched down on the cheesy chip, I pretended that the crunch was the sound of me twisting Key’s arm back to the breaking point. I crunched down as hard as I could.

“Ow!” I exclaimed. I reached up and rubbed my throbbing cheek. 

 

 

 

 

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Sorry for going a little Jinki crazy here...

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....I just love him so<3

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He makes me all:

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Forever Jinki!

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+chicken<3

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~