Silent War

A Fangirl's Dream

*Minho’s POV*

“Sorry guys; she’ll be down any minute,” I apologized for the fourth time.

Taemin and Carolyn just smiled and nodded. The four of us were supposed to be going on a dinner date together, but Nicole was taking FOREVERRR to get ready. We’d been waiting at the front door for her for at least half an hour now. Finally I caught sight of her descending the stairs into the hall. What I saw made my head spin. Was I drooling?

There was Nicole, looking absolutely… absolutely… I don’t even know the word for it! She looked like a super model, but her short dress screamed ‘I’m going to work at Hooters in my future!” (http://ladiesfashionclothes.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/Strapless-Party-Dress-Short-Dress.jpg).

The worst part was that her very large and, um, attractive *cough* filled it out, making it even shorter. She flashed me an enticing look as she approached, before bending down to pick up her purse which sat against the wall next to me. Her short dress rose higher and higher as she bent lower and lower. She took and step toward me, still bent over, to fix something on her purse. Her brushed past me, right in a particular spot. I immediately stepped away.

“Oops, sorry,” she said as she stood back up in the most obvious tone. I knew why she was doing this. She was trying to make me give in and lose our bet. Well I had my own tricks up my sleeve.

-------------------- 

“Wow, it’s kind of hot in here,” I said from the back seat of the car which Taemin was driving.

“I can turn on the air conditioning if you want me to hyung,” he said without taking his eyes off the road.

“Nah, it’s okay. I’ll just put down my window and my shirt a little,” I said, trying not to smile. I rolled down my window, letting the wind whip around my hair. I then proceeded to my shirt a little lower than necessary. “Don’t you think it’s HOT?” I asked, turning toward Nicole who sat next to me.

*Nicole’s POV*

I looked over at Minho to respond… WORST IDEA EVER!!! The wind whipped around his long hair, while his bare chest rose up and down. The buttons were just low enough so that his abs were just slightly peaking out. He knew that blowing hair and abs were what , and he was totallyyy taking advantage of it.

“No, actually I think it’s quite cold… and smelly,” I turned away defiantly and stared out my own window. My heart was beating at a hundred miles an hour. I slowly wriggled in my seat, letting my dress lower itself to reveal more of my cleavage. “Well maybe it is a little hot,” I smirked to get Minho’s attention.

He looked over at me and I noticed him do a quick double take. He looked around awkwardly, trying not to look at my cleavage which was about ready to spill out of my dress.

“Oh, your dress is a little low. Here let me help you fix it,” he said, reaching over to fix my dress. He slipped his hand in my dress to pull it up, ‘accidentally’ letting his hand brush over a certain spot.

“Uh-,” I quickly stopped myself from by biting down hard on my bottom lip. I shot him a glare, but he just looked but at me with a giant smirk on his face.

“Oops,” he shrugged, fixing my dress the rest of the way before pulling back. “You’re welcome.”

This was going to be a longggg week. 

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~