First Date or a Civil War?

A Fangirl's Dream

*Minho’s POV*

“Um, why are we at a field? Don’t tell me we’re having a picnic!” Nicole’s whiny voice just made me angrier at her.

I can’t believe that kissed me! Ewe, ewe, ewe! I need to wash my mouth!

“It’s a soccer field,” I said calmly.

“EWE! I hate sports! I’m terrible at shooting baskets anyway.”

“Um, this is soccer. You don’t use your hand-,”

“I KNOW how to play soccer,” she sneered back at me and rolled her eyes like always.

Help me…

I dribbled the ball out onto the field while Nicole slowly followed behind me. I led her to one of the goals.

“Stand in there and block my shot,” I told her.

“Whatever,” Another eye roll as she walked into the goal.

Once she was in the goal, I began to take my approach on the ball, angling myself just right.

“Ahhhhhhh!” she screamed just as my foot made contact with the ball, sending it sailing toward her.

She hit the ground as the ball sailed over her head.

“What are you trying to KILL ME?!” she shouted furiously, standing back up.

“It’s soccer. That’s how you play-,”

“Stop saying that! I know how to play!”

I just wanted to hit her; I really did. But instead, I took a deep breath and walked over to her.

“You go kick now,” I said, rolling the ball out of the goal.

So gave me a disgusted look, then kicked the ball to the outside of the goalie box with the worst form I had ever seen.

She stared at the ball for a second, walked up to it and kicked it. Her kick carried the ball…..possibly two feet?

“Um, try kicking it harder,” I suggested.

She shot me a glare, then got ready to kick again. This time it rolled about half the way it needed to go to reach the goal.

She kept going until she was about three feet in front of the goal. She kicked it as hard as she could.

“Arghhhh!” I shouted as I fell to the ground, grabbing my manhood.

“Bahahhahaha!” Nicole laughed, holding her stomach while doing so.

I rolled around in pain while she laughed at me. Girls would never understand this pain. EVER.

“Aigoo, that really hurt,” I mumbled, still holding myself because of the pain.

“ it up. Girls go through more pain than you boys anyway,” she said before walking away.

After another minute I finally stood up. I ignored the lingering pain, which had now been replaced fury. I marched over to where Nicole sat on the bleachers off to the side of the field. She had her little pocket mirror flipped open and was staring at herself. Nothing was wrong with her face, but if I did what I wanted to, everything would be wrong with it soon.

“What was that for queen?!” I shouted in her face, slamming the mirror shut and snatching it from her hands.

She looked up at me, first with fear, then anger.

“You dare call me that you dirty, sweaty jock?! Well fine! You’re probably just jealous because nobody wants to date you because you’re so ugly!”

“If you want ugly, then here!” I threw the mirror at her.

“That’s it!” She kicked me in the stomach, sending me sprawling onto the ground.

As she ran toward me, I wrapped my foot around hers, causing her to fall on her face.

“Douche!” she shouted, trying to get up, but I pushed her back down. 

“Ow! You !” I shouted back when she bit my arm, forcing me to let go for a brief second. However, it was long enough.

She pushed me backwards, but I pulled her with me, causing her to land on top of me. She tried to pin me down but I was too strong for her. I rolled our bodies over so that I was on top, holding her arms down and placing a knee on either side of her small body.

“Ow, ow, Minho that hurts!” she shouted, trying to pull her arms free. I only tightened my grip. Finally she just stopped trying all together.

“You listen to me now,” I said leaning in so close to her face that it hurt to look in her eyes. “You are here because of me. You are going to respect me and all my other friends. If I see you trying to play one of them, I will take you down, and I’m not going to go easy on you like just now. Do you understand?”

*Nicole’s POV*

His hot breath on my neck sent chills down my back. I could feel his warm body closing in against me, then releasing with each breath he took. All of this, combined with his harsh words caused me to lose what confidence I had left in me. I wasn’t unbreakable anymore. I felt powerless, weak, scared.

“I said do you understand!” His deep voice was louder this time. As he spoke the words he pushed down on my arms even harder.

All I could do was nod. I was afraid that if I spoke, the hot tears I felt hidden behind my crystal blue eyes would come pouring out.

“That’s not an answer!”

“YES!” I screamed at him. As soon as I felt his grip loosen the slightest bit I pushed him off of me.

I HATE you Minho. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~