Oops

A Fangirl's Dream

*Brianna’s POV*

“Alright, the Blue Team has set the bar at… Twelve minutes and 49 seconds. Do you think you can beat that?” asked the manager.

“Ummm, yeah I think we can,” I said, eyeing Key who was staring at the mud in disgust.

“Alright, you can take your places on the starting platform.”

I grabbed Key’s hand and brought him over to the wooden block.

“Do you want me to go first?” I whispered.

“No; I’ll go first,” he said quickly.

“Okay Oppa…”

“On your mark… get set… go!”

In the blink of an eye, Key was across the wooden planks and starting the monkey bars. He swung across with ease, his arm muscles flexing beautifully. He took a deep breath before swinging across the mud pit on the rope. He landed gracefully on the other side. Who knew someone could be that afraid of mud?

Before I knew it, Key was finished and it was my turn to go. I moved pretty quickly, and I knew we were making good time. I had a little difficulty on the monkey bars because my hand slipped, but I caught myself. The rope was a breeze, and the rock wall was like stepping over a pebble. The balance beam was what gave me trouble.

“Almost there,” Key said. “Come on! Come on!”

“Shut up Key,” I threatened under my breath. The beam was insanely small! I was only a few steps away when I started to lose my balance.

“No!” cried Key.

I did the only thing I could think of; I leapt for the finishing platform. I landed with a ‘thud,’ but I made it!

“Time!” Key shouted, putting his hands up in the air.

Oh yeah, I’m kinda down here on the ground possibly hurt, but ya know, it’s all good.

“Two minutes and twenty three seconds!” the manager shouted.

“Woo-hoo! We are awesome!!!” he shouted as he jumped around like a child. “Nah nah, we did better than you, Minho!” he teased his dongsaeng.

I rolled my eyes and boosted myself up. Key really could be immature sometimes.

“Now it’s the Yellow Team’s turn!”

We all watched as Taemin hurried through the obstacle course trying to look all tough. He couldn’t fool us though; we still saw the little kid inside him enjoying it way too much. Taemin finally made it to the end and shouted for Carolyn to start.

*Carolyn’s POV*

I gently rested a foot down on one of the not-so-sturdy beams before me. I gulped as I put my whole weight on it and placed my other foot onto the second beam. I slowly made my way across. I heard someone scream and laugh, so I looked up at the other couples. Worst idea ever!

My legs began to shake along with my whole body. I started to tip to the right, but corrected myself by kicking out my foot. However, I kicked a little too hard and fell backwards.

“Ahhh!” I crashed onto the boards, but surprisingly caught myself. However, this resulted in landing on my already sore wrist.

“Ow,” I pouted.

“Come on Carolyn, you can do it!” Taemin shouted from the finishing platform. I took a deep breath before inching my way along the board. Finally I made it to the platform. I reached up for the monkey bars, but winced in pain as flaming shots of pain shot up my wrist. 

“Ow! Ugh I can’t do it. I hurt my wrist,” I finally called out. It hurt REALLY bad.

“Is it bad?” asked the manager.

I just nodded my head, trying to hold back my tears.

“All right, time out.”

“Are you okay?” Taemin was suddenly by my side, panting.

“Yeah, it just… no I’m not okay.” The tears were now threatening to spill from my eyes. I was going through some serious pain.

“How bad is it?” asked the manager as he took my wrist in his hand.

“Ow! Bad enough for you not to touch it!” I snapped.

“Oh, it’s turning colors,” Taemin said worriedly, and slightly fascinated.

“Come on, you need to have this checked out. I’ll take you there in the van,” the manager said.

“I’m coming too!” Taemin stated.

“Okay, suit yourself,” the manager shrugged. 

Like this story? Give it an Upvote!
Thank you!
Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

You must be logged in to comment
EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~