The Second Challenge

A Fangirl's Dream

*Key’s POV*

My eyes fluttered open slowly. I was still half asleep and confused about where I was when I became conscious of someone’s arms wrapped around my waist. A smile found its way across my face as I snuggled closer to the individual. Suddenly it hit me and my eyes snapped open.

I turned over to see Brianna’s face in front of mine. She looked so beautiful and innocent in her sleep; her lips softly closed along with her eyes. I watched her sleep and remembered all the memories of last night. They were the best memories I’d ever made, and I knew I’d never forget them.

Brianna began to move and her eyes slowly opened. She looked at me groggily.

“Key?” she asked, propping herself up in bed, a confused look on her face.

“Hold on, it’ll come back to you in a second,” I smiled, propping myself up as well.

She sat for a minute, still looking confused and half asleep.

“Wait… why am I ?!” she shouted, pulling the blankets over her chest. Now she was definitely awake.

“Remember last night?” I asked, taking her hand.

“I… oh, yeah I remember,” she began to smile too. “That was amazing.” She brushed her hand sweetly across my cheek.

I kissed her on the forehead, “Come on; we better get going. There’s another competition today!”

“We’re gonna dominate again!” she smiled.

“Of course we are yebo.”

----------------------------- 

“Hey guys!” I waved as Brianna and I entered the clearing where the big tree was.

Everyone turned to look at us. Some were happy while some looked jealous. I was in too good of a mood to care.

“How are all of you today?” I asked cheerily as we joined the group.

“Well you’re sure peppy today,” Annie said, giving me a skeptical look. I glared back at her and rested an arm around Brianna’s shoulders.

“Okay, now that you’re all here I can begin with the directions,” the manager spoke up. “Today’s task will take place here in this clearing. As most of you have probably noticed, there is an obstacle course set up behind me. You and your teammate must make it from one end of the obstacle course to the other. Whoever does it in the fastest amount of time, wins.”

“This will be easy,” Minho smiled down at Nicole, who looked like she was about ready to die in her sweat suit of the day (http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_N3uDUJ6sTi8/Rl5oX2Cby-I/AAAAAAAAArY/ADYPwwJhbJM/s400/5197zh-j%2BbL__SX288_.jpg).

“However, there’s a catch.”

That got our attention. We were all focused on the manager now; waiting to hear what he was about to say.

“Not only do both of you have to make it through quickly, but you also have to make it through WITHOUT touching the ground.”

“WHAT?!” we all shouted.

“I promise you it is possible. But, if one of you touches the ground, only that one teammate has to go back to the beginning and start over. I have one bandana of each team’s color in the bag,” he said, holding up a black duffle. “Your order will be chosen randomly by doing this. However, Key and Brianna, since you won yesterday’s challenge, you get to pick when you want to go. But you have to choose now.”

Brianna pulled me aside and quickly whispered, “Second.”

“Why second?”

“Because then we have a time to beat and we’ll see how the other team handled it, but the course won’t be too muddy by then.”

“MUDDY?!” I shouted. Everyone turned to look at me. I lowered my voice, “What about mud?”

“Didn’t you see the mud pit? If someone falls in it, then it’s going to make everything slippery. If we go second then it should still be pretty clean.”

“Ughhh, mud,” I whined.

“Oh, it up. Mud baths are supposed to help your skin anyway!” she said, pulling me back toward the group with her. “We’ll go second,” she told the manager.

“Okay! Now I’ll draw the bandanas. The order will go from first to last,” he said, reaching into the black bag.

*Rebecca’s POV*

He shuffled his hand around in the bag, then finally pulled out a bandana. “The Blue Team, Minho and Nicole, will go first!”

“Ughhh,” Nicole groaned.

“Come on baby,” Minho said placing a hand on her shoulder. “We have to set to bar high!”

She glanced up at him with a ‘Yeah-Right-Who-Do-You-Think-I-Am-Cat-Woman?’ look on her face. I tried to contain my laughter.

“Brianna and Key you are the pink team and you’ve decided to go second,” the manager confirmed.

“Yes,” Brianna smiled.

“Now for the next team…” he reached inside the bag again.  

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~