EVEN THOUGH
author:anonymous
 

Here you are sprawled on your bed, pressing a pillow on your face with both hands, looking like the little dork that you are. And here I am sitting right next to you with nothing left to do but watch. Why won’t you talk to me?

I greeted you happy birthday this morning. You smiled. I smiled back as brightly as I could, but you went out that door saying you had to get to work. Okay. I understand that. No problem.

Then again, no. I don’t understand and it is a problem. We weren’t like this before, were we?

I know you’re tired and that’s why you rushed to your room to fall into the deep embrace of your soft bed. I know you’ve been feeling the pressure and I know you’re stressed. I am, too. We all are. But knowing you, I bet you’re shouldering every single drop of worry that the others have, including mine. Sometimes I wish you would stop that. I know you’re kind and you’re caring, but still, it’s your birthday today.

Here I am trying to hear you breathing, waiting for you to say something, but you don’t respond. If I were that pillow would I hear your voice? Would you share your thoughts with me? I don’t know. Maybe. But I’m sure I would feel your warm breath against my cheek as you move closer to whisper something and then end up giggling instead. You’re such a dork.

Still, here you are, lying on the space next to me with that pillow over your face. And what am I doing? Nothing. I’m just waiting. I look around your room and wonder if you feel safer in it than in my arms or is it your new roommate? I don’t even want to think about that. But if that were the case then I wish you would tell me. Lately, all I’ve been hearing from you is good morning, good night and bye. Why is that?

Not even a ‘hi.’ So I touch your hands, the ones you always use to make those little heart signs coupled with that wide smile of yours. But you don’t move. I fit my fingers in between yours like I used to and find that I miss doing this the most. I miss holding your hand and I miss you pulling me close whenever you have the chance. Now, all you do is smile, say good morning, good night and bye.

“TaeTae…”

I wish you would just open your mouth and say something. It isn’t that hard. When I say your name your face lights up. Or at least, that’s how it used to be. Right now, it seems that you want that pillow more than me. You hug it instead of me and you hold on to it instead of me. Heck, you might be kissing it instead of me, too. Why TaeTae?

I move my hands away from yours and sigh. We’ve been like this for hours so I decide to stand up and leave. Who knows? Maybe you’ve fallen asleep already. I wouldn’t know with that pillow blocking your eyes. It’s unfair, I tell myself as I get closer to the door. I love you and I know you know that. You used to tell me the same thing. I don’t know if you still remember or if you’ve flushed that out in exchange for the company of your pillow and your bed. It hurts to think about it so I turn the door knob and open the door slightly. My legs won’t move and my eyes move towards your direction to check for one last time if you’re about to go after me. To my disappointment, you’re still just lying there. Okay. Fine.

I close your door behind me and hang my head low as I walk towards my room. I turn the lights on and as soon as the darkness flees I feel more alone. I wish we could share a room just like the old days. But who am I kidding? I think I’m the only one who would want that to happen. You? I don’t know. Maybe someday you’ll tell me that you’re better off on your own. I don’t want to wait for that day, but what choice do I have? I don’t want to be the one to say it… because I can’t.

I lie down and stare at the ceiling for a few minutes to try and gather my thoughts. Not surprisingly, I fail and I get back to trying to be close to you. I grab a pillow and p